I have been to Dr. Figueroa, and he tells me that my insurance will not cover the VNS procedure. I had prepared myself for this and I am now going to work with the insurance specialist at Cyberonics.I signed a medical release form yesterday and faxed it to Dr. Figueroa. Now he will release the records to Cyberonics so that the insurance specialist will have a starting point to work with to get the ball rolling. I have been feeling better. It has been seven weeks since Dr. Figueroa upped the medications. I now look forward to work, I can remember happy times. I have been over to a friends house, something I would not have interest in before the medications were increased. I will enjoy the moments now, because in the future they will be hard to find. but if I write about it, I will remember how long I remain up and when I go down.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Friday, July 13, 2007
Cognitive Therapy
I am perusing my library and have come up with David Burn's Feeling Good, and I am hopeful that reading through it again will help me pinpoint the negative thoughts that I seem to have, almost all the time.This surprised me because I thought that I had been through this some time ago. Surprise, I found all sorts of negatives floating around in the gourd on my shoulders. This is the basis of cognitive therapy. Thought watching. I an do this. I will work on this.
(This is the basis of the work by Sally-Anne McCormick Stop the ANTs. ANTs are automatic negative thoughts -editor)
(This is the basis of the work by Sally-Anne McCormick Stop the ANTs. ANTs are automatic negative thoughts -editor)
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Hanging in There
The upgrade to my medications has not really worked yet. It's been 14 days now. I feel as if I am living in a hole, with no lights and slippery sides and I can't get out. I lay in bed and think how angry I am. A smoldering soul eating pain. I blog less, create less, enjoy less and all my thoughts center around me and how I am being cruelly used to further this restricting pain. Can I climb up the side of my hole and peak out, even for just one minute?
I will, by the nature of it being a job, get involved with people at work. This will help and I will climb to top of the hole and teeter on the brink, giving out my "happy work smile" to the people who are there. It is not a fake smile, at least not the one given to the tiny kid. The one that really did try hard to do what I told them to do. Don't I contribute to my own mixture of blackness, by concentrating on it? Uh! What a mixture of **%%#*% and !!**@arrrraugh!
Now that's enough. Was prayed for by one of my Christian friends.
I will, by the nature of it being a job, get involved with people at work. This will help and I will climb to top of the hole and teeter on the brink, giving out my "happy work smile" to the people who are there. It is not a fake smile, at least not the one given to the tiny kid. The one that really did try hard to do what I told them to do. Don't I contribute to my own mixture of blackness, by concentrating on it? Uh! What a mixture of **%%#*% and !!**@arrrraugh!
Now that's enough. Was prayed for by one of my Christian friends.
Friday, July 6, 2007
Family's Reaction
I had hoped that of all the people in my circle that would understand my plight would be my brother, John. I love and respect him and honor the fact that more than likely he will always be there for me. He has steadily maintained that if I just eat right, exercise, and pray and learn to balance stress that everything would be OK. To a certain extent I can see his point. I have been doing that very thing for the last six months and over the years that this has affected me I, have tried all sorts of combinations of food, meditation, medications, prayer, exercise and psychotherapies that I could afford. I am by no means perfect in following all these programs either when they are combined or separate. But, I'm going through yet another down turn at this time.
I just would like to point out if I had a viewable handicap instead of a deficient brain that it would be socially inexcusable to ask me to carry on as if everything is normal. This treatment of "just buck up","hunker down", or any such advice is frustratingly constant. I guess because I am not lying under covers and crying constantly (which did happen about three years ago) that I can cope with life, and I better well stop my quest for living a higher quality of life. Ah, that is the quest, the quality of life, the feeling of a happy memory that can be recalled at any time, an ability that most people have. It is the difference between living the life that God intended, or existing as a shell. A shell pumped full of drugs.
I just would like to point out if I had a viewable handicap instead of a deficient brain that it would be socially inexcusable to ask me to carry on as if everything is normal. This treatment of "just buck up","hunker down", or any such advice is frustratingly constant. I guess because I am not lying under covers and crying constantly (which did happen about three years ago) that I can cope with life, and I better well stop my quest for living a higher quality of life. Ah, that is the quest, the quality of life, the feeling of a happy memory that can be recalled at any time, an ability that most people have. It is the difference between living the life that God intended, or existing as a shell. A shell pumped full of drugs.
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
In the Mean Time
Happiness was short lived. I haven't been this down in a long, long time. My period came, first in 6 months. But both in the same week. Let's get back to the VNS info. I found a site that offers info on medical grants. It is a pay site, so I paid and haven't used it yet. I also found a site vnsdepression.com This last site has a message board and is documenting the VNS implant of several persons. Meanwhile I have faxed Dr. Figueroa the information that I need to get started. He is going on his annual vacation so I don't think much will be done. I will follow it up later.
Internally I having been praying, asking God to bless this Quest. An undertaking to stabilize the depression and increase the quality of life. Annie, my Christian friend, was right, that I should think of others. But at this stage all I can do is email more of them and let them know that I think of them.
I just noticed that the other day that I no longer cook much anymore. Part of it is that I have changed to salads, but it is getting to much for me to cook.Even grilling. I used to love to grill. Now I could care less. Just another thing that I cared for.
I can count many things that I cared for once, but now just don't care for anymore.
I am looking forward to getting some of that back sometime. ***%$# this depression has robbed me! I shall fight on!
Internally I having been praying, asking God to bless this Quest. An undertaking to stabilize the depression and increase the quality of life. Annie, my Christian friend, was right, that I should think of others. But at this stage all I can do is email more of them and let them know that I think of them.
I just noticed that the other day that I no longer cook much anymore. Part of it is that I have changed to salads, but it is getting to much for me to cook.Even grilling. I used to love to grill. Now I could care less. Just another thing that I cared for.
I can count many things that I cared for once, but now just don't care for anymore.
I am looking forward to getting some of that back sometime. ***%$# this depression has robbed me! I shall fight on!
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Cymbalta strikes again
In leu of nothing much to say Cymbalta is sweeping me away. My dreams are back, colorful and wacky as they should be. Another sign is that I could forgo my nightly chow down of beef jerky. I am getting motivated again to keep to my diet. When "down" comes around Reeses peanut butter cups seem sound. I am much more creative in everything I do. It is as if life is worth living again instead of just existing through. I am going to see if there is any type of medical grant than can be applied for. Because of the newness of the VNS therapy and the general cost of the procedure I think that I must have all options available to fund it. The reason that I feel that I must at least try to obtain this therapy is that I can at least tell myself with all due truth that I tried to do the best for myself.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Trying to Talk to Friend
I am documenting my dealing with depression in order to let others know just what this disease is about and how other people in my circle deal with what I tell them. I mention that I have had a medication failure. And my friends know that this occurs about once a year. I have a "down" time. This is a time of intense deep depression and frustration. A period of why is it here again, what can I do to stop it. I think that I have some part of depression always. I don't have memories that are incensed with pleasure. In fact my memory is so bad that I can't remember much of what happens from day to day. People say, that memory problems are experienced by every one. But I can not remember pleasurable things when the depression is at its deepest. And if I remember anything, on a day to day level, pleasure is not at all intense.
On to other's reactions. My Christian friend, Annie, says that I am at fault by not trusting God enough. I must trust Him to heal me in His own time. I should get involved with others and my own problems will seem small as I open myself to others. Well, this is good advice, but when I look at no motivation, no energy, and a black pit surrounding me, it gets harder.
On the other extreme, the other friend, who is bi-polar, Vanessa, says that how can I do anything, I am depressed. Period. She has at least suffered the depression that I have.
But I do not want to wear it as a badge. But everyday comes the challenge to do my best.
On to other's reactions. My Christian friend, Annie, says that I am at fault by not trusting God enough. I must trust Him to heal me in His own time. I should get involved with others and my own problems will seem small as I open myself to others. Well, this is good advice, but when I look at no motivation, no energy, and a black pit surrounding me, it gets harder.
On the other extreme, the other friend, who is bi-polar, Vanessa, says that how can I do anything, I am depressed. Period. She has at least suffered the depression that I have.
But I do not want to wear it as a badge. But everyday comes the challenge to do my best.
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