True Inner Happiness is Rare

In the search for what will make me happy, I have done many things. (Don't we all). But I don't mean just material things, even spiritual things, I mean I want to laugh. Over silly things. It seems that that doesn't happen very often. A really deep sense of happiness and silliness. I did have a small amount last night. Listening to silly ringtones. I was laughing like crazy!  Serotonin was surging and for about an hour I was silly/happy. I think with all the stress in today's world and the seriousness of the state of things more silly things are called for. Not demeaning, just let loose silly things.

I have to learn to let go, and back off of ruminating thoughts. This is after 9 months on medications. and eight different ones at that. Any thought can become ruminating. Most are negative, and full of anxiety. But if I can just dwell on the words "Drop it and back off!" The feeling of control of the thoughts empowers me. Even just a little bit. So if I can replace the thoughts with silly things on intention, it does help.

Depression lingers from the accident

I have been in and out of depression more often since the car accident.
Before the accident I would go into depression perhaps every other week. A mild depression, to be sure, but now it is getting to be daily. I thought as the body healed from the bruised and sprained back and neck, the depressions would be less. So far not. But I am hopeful that if I can get a grip on the reality of the situation, that I will get better, that I can have the happiness that I had before.
I had no target before my past improvement. I did not know what happiness could be. I had surrendered to the depression because I knew nothing else. Now I know I have been happy just last month.
I will get better.
God says that he will perfect all that concerns me. (Psalm 138:8). I have to keep this in the forefront as I heal.
There is more to life than depression. Most people would say duh. But when it is in your face 24/7 you get so deep into your pain that you can not see around it. Replace thoughts that are depressive with thoughts of God's love and the depression lessens. For He truly does love us. Really.

Thought Bubbles: This New Life

This booklet, published by Daugherty Ministries out of Tulsa, Oklahoma is amazing. It gives me strength in ways that I never knew before. It makes plain how Jesus is proved to be God. It states how much He loves us. Really. Then the Bible. Each time I read it something new comes to me. I have had it read to me, I have read it many times, but each time now that I read it something new comes from it. It says that the Holy Spirit is working on me as this happens.
Let me tell you that I had run, legs pumping as hard as they could to escape  the tyranny of God, the Holy Spirit. And yet He worked on me for years to pull me back.
As I would lie in bed, tears in my eyes from the unknown source of the depression, He was there giving me the will to survive. To find happiness. As I walked the service areas of work,  art projects and my husband's face pulled me through. Suicide was ever present,  ever behind the art projects and faces of my family. God gave me the art projects, the family to hold on to. If not, I would not be here today to share  this with anyone who reads this blog.
Now when I feel I need the strength to go on, well, He is there in Person. Inside me, as I have now asked Him to be. It has, and continues to be an up hill battle to maintain what I call sanity.
This health problem, sanity from depression, has run in my family for possibly about 100 years. I don't know the length, but my relative in some ancient photos (1880's) is know to have been in and out of mental hospitals. She may have been the same person that wanted to die after a horse kicked her in the chest, stomach area. I have another aunt (M) that suffers from the disease, and she is in her mid eighties. My niece that died in Oct 2010 at thirty had at one time been on medications for it. Most of her family suffers from allergies, or has had cancer.
But the fight goes on, and we will survive to tell others, to love them in the best way we can.

Up to Deland

Today is roadtrip day.According to Mapquest it is a 55 mile trip. It sounds as if adventure is about to begin. I hope so.
Yesterday Dr Fig's office ran out of Provigil. That's another 400.00 for the meds. I told John and he will help me pay for it. But to me that is a stop gap measure. I feel so frustrated and impotent when that happens. But perhaps today will start a new episode in my treatment.It is worth the amount that it will cost, just to fight it on a new level.
I doubt that people can really understand what mental illness is.It is a blanket smothering the very essence of life. At least depression is. I notice that everything is muted and stunted when the disease is raging. Even taste is effected. I can't experience a deep sense pleasure, happiness, fullness (as in eating). I crave Reese's Peanutbutter cups when at work. And will eat two packages at a sitting. It is good as it goes down, but afterwards I am the same. Then of course I am irritable, unstable emotionally, wanting to cry most of the time. I can not concentrate, little things distract and I cannot get through a task. I want to sleep a lot, just to get away from it all. This is just the part that at this time I can write about.
As I look back at the past I belittled myself constantly, in everything I did, said, and thought about. This even included religious things. So I became one without religion, but I knew that God was still there, just waiting to punish me. No love or understanding in that relationship.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

In the Mean Time

Happiness was short lived. I haven't been this down in a long, long time. My period came, first in 6 months. But both in the same week. Let's get back to the VNS info. I found a site that offers info on medical grants. It is a pay site, so I paid and haven't used it yet. I also found a site vnsdepression.com This last site has a message board and is documenting the VNS implant of several persons. Meanwhile I have faxed Dr. Figueroa the information that I need to get started. He is going on his annual vacation so I don't think much will be done. I will follow it up later.
Internally I having been praying, asking God to bless this Quest. An undertaking to stabilize the depression and increase the quality of life. Annie, my Christian friend, was right, that I should think of others. But at this stage all I can do is email more of them and let them know that I think of them.
I just noticed that the other day that I no longer cook much anymore. Part of it is that I have changed to salads, but it is getting to much for me to cook.Even grilling. I used to love to grill. Now I could care less. Just another thing that I cared for.
I can count many things that I cared for once, but now just don't care for anymore.
I am looking forward to getting some of that back sometime. ***%$# this depression has robbed me! I shall fight on!

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com