Locked out!

I was locked out of my blogger account some months ago. It was a mix up in the information needed to log on.
I am now on 125mg of Anafranil and 300 mg of Lamictal. 2.5mg of Abilify.  Through trial and error my doctor has come to the conclusion that SSRI's do not work for me. I was weened off that type of medication and went on the above about six months ago.
It has worked wonders. The medications have actually changed the thoughts passing through the brain. It has stopped the OCD to the point that I can see things more clearly and accept that things are not as negative as I interpret them to be. One of the thoughts that I have had constantly is that I must control every little detail in my life. If I could not control it, money, bills, health etc my anxiety would multiply and then I would go into depression. These meds have brought me to a point that I can see how the OCD and depression have controlled me all my life.
Also I am on a walk with Jesus now. One thing that I know is that as I turn over the needs of my life to the Lord He gives me a sense of peace. I know the medications are working on me as well. But to have a sense of relief when I pray is getting stronger and stronger. Little things are happening to me day by day. I am beginning to turn everything over to God. And the bills are getting paid. And I am beginning to realize that I am not alone in the struggle with the disease. I am not here to be judged by others and myself and come up lacking. I am a child of God, a new creation, a unique one with no comparison to  anyone or anything else.

                               REALLY!

What Wiki pedia says

Just shortly ago my doctor diagnosed me with mood disorder. Shortly before that it was OCD both faces of one disease. This depression has more than one face. In fact many faces. When people tell you to snap out of it and you can, that probably is 'the blues'. Not to be laughed at in itself the 'blues' are a minor form of what I have, and many others have. This form of depression can not be snapped out of.

It is major depression associated with anxiety. But there are ways to use to help one survive.
But back to what the title of this blog.

Specific treatments for depressive disorder

Many forms of treatment are available. Treatments may include cognitive-behavioral therapy, music therapy, art therapy, group therapy, psychotherapy, animal-assisted therapy (also known as pet therapy), physical exercise, medicines such as antidepressants, and keeping a gratitude journal. A more holistic approach is required to address the problem of depression and mood disorder.

I have not tried cognitive-behaioral therapy, but all others. The blog is a gratitude journal, a record of medical things going on with me dealing with the depression. The VNS has not helped me as I thought it would. But I think brain stimulation in some what will help. The VNS does work somewhat, but not to the freeing from the depression.

Insulin Resistance

From the Hypoglycemic Health Association Of Australia:

OCD is a sub-class of anxiety attacks. Both OCD and anxiety attacks are marked by excess adrenaline production mainly caused by unstable blood sugar levels that can easily be tested by medical tests, such as the test for hypoglycemia as explained here.

The real question is why is the body overproducing adrenaline and at the wrong time and circumstances? The answer lies in the the function of adrenaline. Adrenaline apart from being a fight/flight hormone is also a hormone that converts sugar stores in the body (glycogen) into glucose. (See image) Glucose is the brain’s major source of energy. It requires about 70% of glucose to fuel the biochemical machinery of brain cells. Without that energy brain cells will soon die. Thus whenever the brain senses energy starvation it will trigger the release of adrenaline so as to feed the brain again with energy. For the effects of insulin resistance on the body see here.

The next question is: why is the brain starved of energy with all that sugar being consumed in our society?

The reason is that a person may have a physical disorder that prevents the conversion of sugar sources in food (carbohydrates) into biological energy called ATP. That energy is essential in the production of feel good (relaxing) neuro-chemicals, such as serotonin. Without it we will feel anxious, insecure, in danger and panicky without knowing why.

This is usually the case when a person suffers from Insulin Resistance. Insulin Resistance is usually associated with the development of Diabetes Type II. Most doctors can test this, but they appear to have problems testing for pre-diabetic insulin resistance, because they have not been trained for this. We have a test for hypoglycemia at our web site. This condition is called “The Hypoglycemic Syndrome” which is characterized by unstable blood sugar levels, going up and down. Unstable blood sugar levels, due to insulin resistance, causes the body to release stress hormones, such as adrenaline and cortisol. Whenever there is a sudden drop in brain sugar levels, adrenaline kicks in to attempt the redress the imbalance. One immediate remedy to stabilize blood sugar levels is by taking Glycerine as one tablespoon mixed in glass of water and mixed with a dash of lemonade to improve taste.

Thus now we have an explanation how excess adrenaline can cause OCD, and for that matter many other so-called “mental” illnesses.

Allergic reaction: Adrenals

From what I understand when you eat what you are allergic to adrenaline is pumped into your system. Same thing with stress be it emotional or physical, adrenals are called into action. Now from what I have been reading,  too much adrenaline can cause anxiety. The anxiety can cause OCD which will lead to depression. Anxiety and depression are linked chemically in the brain. When too much anxiety occurs the brain kicks it over to depression.
Now let us go on from there. If one has hypoglycemia which is low blood sugar the adrenals are constantly turned on to give one energy one usually gets from normal blood sugar. So one has to monitor what one eats and eat high protein and low glycemic fruits and vegetables. About every two hours. No caffeine either. Screen out the foods one is allergic to.

Screen out the foods one is allergic to.

OCD : Subclass of Anxiety

OCD is a sub-class of anxiety attacks. Both OCD and anxiety attacks are marked by excess adrenaline production mainly caused by unstable blood sugar levels that can easily be tested by medical tests, such as the test for hypoglycemia as explained here.

The real question is why is the body overproducing adrenaline and at the wrong time and circumstances? The answer lies in the the function of adrenaline. Adrenaline apart from being a fight/flight hormone is also a hormone that converts sugar stores in the body (glycogen) into glucose. (See image) Glucose is the brain’s major source of energy. It requires about 70% of glucose to fuel the biochemical machinery of brain cells. Without that energy brain cells will soon die. Thus whenever the brain senses energy starvation it will trigger the release of adrenaline so as to feed the brain again with energy. For the effects of insulin resistance on the body see here.

My Psychiatrist said that I will have a bout with OCD then go into depression. If I drink  a protein drink  with complex carbs, than I feel much better. In my case I will drink about six tablespoons of protein drink every two hours, keeping my sugar a bit higher and I will kill the depression. I had low blood sugar. Not in all the years that I have had this problem and all the psychiatrists that I had, not one suggested to eat protein  and complex carbs for depression. But if one or ones family has hypoglycemia  then one should put oneself on this regime  to see if it works. Did it yesterday, and I felt great all day. Remember the protein drink can not be high in sugar. That would defeat the purpose.

Hypoglycemic Problems Could cause OCD

I have been noticing that I have worse OCD symptoms when I drink caffeinated drinks, or eat highly sugary fruits-bananas. Simple carbs slow me down. Drops in blood sugar will trigger an adrenaline response. This will trigger anxiety, and then go into depression.
One should take the time to review the information at this website: click here and here

The Australians are up to par on info on this subject. And I respect their knowledge.
Check out their suggestions for a diet:

In brief the nutritional treatment of the hypoglycemic condition consists of:

1) Avoidance of sugar, coffee, strong tea, nicotine if possible, refined carbohydrates, such as white bread, white rice, cakes and sugary drinks, candy bars, colas, cookies, ice cream sweetish fruits such as bananas, grapefruit, melons, honey and dates (these fruits may be reintroduced at a later stage in moderation) etc.

2) High protein + complex carbohydrates snacks every three hours or sooner, to provide a slow release of glucose, and to prevent the hypoglycemic dip. A high protein breakfast must be considered the most important meal of the day. Good sources of proteins are eggs, white meat as in chicken and fish. Eat plenty of green vegetables and fruits and the more varied the diet the better it is.

3) Supplementation of diet with Anti-stress vitamin B-Complex tablets, including vitamin B6, B3, B12, chromium picolinate, magnesium, zinc + Vitamin C, and fishoil (omega-3 fatty acids), vitamin D. For a fuller list of nutrients, deficiency of which can be responsible for mood disorders see: R Hemat, 165 See 6 studies in support of omega-3 fatty acids for Depression and Bipolar Disorder.

4) Other supplements that could slow down the absorption of glucose (thereby avoiding blood sugar peaks and the release of stress hormones) are: Psyllium Seeds Husks (1 tbsp per day), Glucomannan including pectin (follow instructions on bottle), Grapefruit and Cinnamon. Also see “Herbs with Hypoglycemic Effects “ at:Research Evidence for Hypoglycemia

The Hypoglycemic diet aims at normalizing blood sugar levels, thereby normalizing stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol, that are thought to be responsible for the symptoms of mood-swings, depression, anxiety, phobias, alcoholism and drug-addiction.
Such a diet needs to be adjusted to the individual needs and nutritional biochemistry. It needs to take into account the influence of allergies.

I was doing a heck of a lot better when I did a diet like this. I also need to pay attention to eating every three hours and see what that does for me.

Another Night

The psychiatrist upped the strength of the Luvox to 200 mg. The Horror Dreams have stopped. Most of the healthy habits that I have developed over the past two years are down the drain as I rebel against a life style that reminds me of compulsive and obsessive behavior patterns. This is not good for the other aliments that plaque me. I am angry that I have given up most everything in the line of food that was fun to eat in fear that I was allergic to it. And somehow that the depression was linked to the allergic reaction. I am constantly wanting a reason for the depression. I think that is logical, but it isn't when you deal with a scatalogical disease like this depression.

• There is a song written with these lyrics that talk of God: You must think I am strong to give me what I am going through. It keeps running through my head these days.

Off Anafranil, On Luvox

I am starting on Luvox. I can't remember if I have taken it in the past 20 years.  This is the result of a conversation I had with someone at work. I was ruminating on the thoughts of the blood coming out of my wrist when I cut it accidentally. Although the cut was accidental in nature, the thought that came into my head was: that this is how a suicide would start. Then my OCD came in and I got stuck on that thought. Scary thoughts. I went in and saw the psychiatrist and she said that the anafranil was not doing the job as well as it should have been doing.
I have all these drugs in the system and the VNS as well. Somehow I don't think that the device in the chest (VNS)  is working for me anymore. However,  I don't want to turn it off and try that way either. 

Relief at last!

Dr Saavedra diagnosed me with OCD and Depression about 6 weeks ago. In my research for OCD I found a site that deals with these two mental illness through homeopathy. Since one can take these products with any medicines that are currently being used I am first trying the OCD product called Compulsin. It seems to be working. Working so well that I slept with out the guard for my teeth grinding for the first time in a long time last night.

OCD and Depression:My Life

I have been relatively quiet on the blog these last few weeks. Mainly assessing the diagnoses of my latest psychiatrist. And getting used to the drugs once again.

• Wellbutrin 300 mg
• anafranil 125 mg
•  risperdal .5 Two times a day
 

I am slowly pulling up and out of the depressive circular thought patterns. Slowly.

What happens is that I find a thought and fixate on it, make it a scary thought in anyway that I can, and then run that thought over and over again, rampping up the anxiety. Then I see no way out of the situation and go into depression.This, as I look at my life,  has always been. I am now reading David Burn's Mood Therapy. It is about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. This is what  my psychiatrist suggested that I needed to learn about and to use this therapy to pull out of the OCD.

Anafranil: Makes me FAT!

January first I weighed about 130, now about two weeks into the new year and the drug I am ten pounds heavier. I asked the psychiatrist about this and she agreed that it makes you crave the fat in the foods. I think it is the sugar  in the foods. I mean that I don't crave ice cream, but corn chips, popcorn, rice with butter. You get the idea. If I was more of a sweets person, I would go down that road, but I am more of a salt person, hence the chips.

The antidepressants and the side effects are not what I really want for myself, but they keep me "sane".
By sane I mean non-depression, a state that lets me handle the stresses and life without breaking down and entering in a mental hospital. This is the raw edge of life. Take a drug that makes the body react in a very unhealthy way so that the mind can cope with the stress. Catch 22? In a LOOP of POOP?

To maintain a healthy body one must have put into the body non-acidic products. Medications are of their nature, acidic. But to have a mind that is not terrorized by depressive, anxious thoughts is a priority as well. So down the road to ill health again? To being overweight and other health problems because of the way the drugs are causing me to feel and react?? The diagnosis was OCD and I can see how that applies, just in the anxiety prone nature of this post.

OCD in on the mix?

In a email to my sister Edna.


Thanks for the encouragement and ideas. Once I am stable, and I am getting there, I will continue to move on with projects and dreams that I still have. The psychiatrist has said that my OCD, which is what I have had for 40 years causes the depression. She has changed the medications once again, and will connect me with a cognitive behavioral therapist. One that will teach me how to combat the constant negative thoughts that come to me. I blow things completely out of proportion to the negative and this leads to the depressions. Taking the anti-anxiety drugs for the past week and I do feel much better. Things are not as overwhelming as before this current stay in the hospital. 

Work will be another challenge, which I am facing daily. Talking to management and upper management. I hope that I  have not worn out their ears with my problems. I don't think so. They know of the depressions and what kind of things I have done to negate the problems that they may have caused the business over the years. We will see by this morning, and by tomorrow when the new schedule comes out. One day at a time.

First Chapters of Clean by A. Junger

The first chapters of the "Clean" book are amazing. It hits the mark perfectly. As I am reading I am still eating the same stuff that I have been for the past few months. I have come far, but still suffer so I constantly compare what I eat, come in contact with in the environment and rate how I feel.
In the first few chapters Junger is laying out the premise of his thoughts.  Before I even get to the program of what to do, I notice that what he says is true. I eat  a package of goat cheese from Whole Foods. It takes about three days to do this for it is the large package. The cheese is

• not cow's milk, so no lactose
• organic
• high in protein, which is good, now that I don't eat meat 

So the cheese is OK, right?  OH! Nooooooo! It causes mucus and contributes to inflammation. Anyone that has read this blog knows that inflammation causes depression. I  thought that this reaction-that the cheese causes problems-was lactose involved. Not so, so I will stop even goat cheese, which has no lactose protein. I am started suffering two days ago, about one day into the cheese feast. Yesterday irritability and OCD reigned for the afternoon. Slowness in thought and loss of focus. Chattering negative rambling in the brain. My poor co-worker, he is ever-bearing, as is my husband. And ackkkkk! Just spilled my salad! (loss of focus!)

Junger states that the toxins in the body causes the body to produce mucus and that the body does this to surround the toxic substance in the body so to separate the toxin from the body. So to stop the mucus, one must stop the toxins, and clean the body of the toxins that are in the body.

.

Rivera Still can't find device and the "B" list starts

I called Dr Rivera on Tuesday the 14th and found out that he still has not found the device to adjust the VNS unit. It was last adjusted July 23rd. I have reduced the drugs again starting on the 15th and this time had very little problems. I stopped the restless leg syndrome drug. That drug Ropinirole (Requip), seems to be another mind drug and I would rather not start taking it and stay on it for years and years. I have had my ups and downs. But on the whole I seem better. More alert, more able to do art when coming home after working all day. I can enjoy life more.
One thing I do notice is that anger and the deepness that I experience it takes so much out of me that I almost feel sick, weak, after an episode. I will have to counter with anger management techniques. Only one person makes me that mad at the present. That is Bruno. I will just call him that. I will keep a record here of what he says and does that starts me off. After all this is part of the depression. Intense anger.
This has been going on since April 08. Luckily we do not work together much.
Last week within one hour of arriving on shift he insults me 3 times. I can only remember him calling my order instructions chicken scratch and saying he could not help me because he could not read them. So instead he stands around while I am busy and the orders are piling up. He did ring me up. And helped frame current orders. Then he said that most people don't mind waiting for me{you are soooo slow} (insinuating that it was ok for them to wait while he stood around. The third thing that he said I can't remember now).
Today he comes in early, while I am busy, doesn't offer help, just stares at me, and starts to stock the cart. It did not need stocking. Not at that time. Then he complains that it took me 15 min to glue down and frame three silhouettes. It was way more than that. five singles and a triple. And dating on eight cards.
Maybe if I write this stuff down, I can get a perspective on it and maybe learn to deal with it in a better way. (This type of anger was common when under the depression, a kind of blind OCD rumination of problems and disgruntlement-editor)

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Reaction from New level

My incision area started to hurt yesterday, as did the area that the lead attaches to the Vagus Nerve. The sensation lasted about half an hour and then a head ache on that side of the head. The next stimulation period the same pain, but much less, with no headache. But I am up again. More motivated to paint, sculpt, and to move about, as in yard work.
The hospital has not billed me yet and it has been since Feb. 26th. I did contact them and apparently they are resubmitting it to the insurance company and that takes about a month to six weeks to do.
Meanwhile I notice that I can think around problems better. I can see them as less threatening. I can move off the ruminating thoughts and on to other, more creative ones. I believe that it has helped in my OCD. I am not locked into certain behaviors as much.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Things Much better

I feel much better, less tense, mood is up, migraine lights ring my vision. Maybe I am bipolar? Or maybe stuff just over loads me and I go down about every 7-10 days? I am back up and am singing and concentration is better. It seems to come over me once every 7 to 10 days and it has been doing this for years.
My goal is to limit my sleep to just what ever I get at night. Eliminate the nap.I know that it is a small goal, but I have done it before and feel I can do it now eventually .
I am constantly battling the depression and the OCD, and would like to break out of the mold and start thinking of others more. But I am in so much pain mentally. It has been better since the implant. The way I like to describe the pain is what one feels when one has a romantic break up, but multiplied about 100 times. Or what one feels when one can't remember a happy moment, ever.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Depression Returns

Depression hit me strong yesterday, almost, but not quite to the crying stage. I am better today, still having floaters in the eyes. I want to use the massage pillow, but I do not know if having an electronic field that close to the area ( my upper back) would bode well for the implant.
As for thoughts of depressive things, they have backed off. OCD has backed off. Teeth hurt, must be clenching my jaws in my sleep. I have bumped up the provigil to 300 mg every day, along with my other medications.(Cymbalta 120, generic paxil at 60, thyrodiazine at 50 mg) Right now I am having naps of only light sleep. but I sleep normally at night. To me this is good news.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Another contact

Jennifer Bette called me today and stated that the out of pocket expense would be about 5000 dollars and there were some other costs that she has to nail down. There would be at least 1000 dollars in deductible to pay as well. for me anything under 10000 would be a go. Of course, the less the better. So it took a month to get this information. And it came with a stipulation that there are a few more costs as yet unknown. I swear that I almost went to the newspaper and was going to let them know that the hospital staff was uncooperative, and ineffective at best. We shall see.
I called Cheryl and let her know that Jennifer finally called and thanked her for help. We still have to get through the implantation and activation of the device.
Dr. Corbyons appointment is for 2/14/08. He will at that time go over a few more things, and then we will set the appointment for the procedure. I am not so sure about why this appointment is necessary, we will see.
I am trying to realize that this procedure will not be a panacea for the thought patterns that persist. I have OCD thoughts, thoughts of terrible sins for which I will be rejected from heaven(?) Just plain stupid continuous thoughts, but they are not there when I am up. So I know somehow that they are connected. Whether it is caused by lack of serotonin or one of the other nerotransmitters, OCD thoughts are insidious and just a part of the condition.
Also memory is impaired. I can write to someone on one day and completely forget about it just the next day. This happens everyday all day long with just about everything in my life. Perhaps this procedure will help the memories come back.
I can see a movie and not remember any of it just a few weeks afterwords. Maybe this is common when the movie is a dud. But this happens almost with every thing I engage in.
Self esteem has always been a problem, and now at 52 it seems that I have developed a compassionate inner voice that is at times small, but it is growing. this is important, for if you can not accept that your mind, your mental part is deffective your self esteem falters. And you crumble. People on the outside can not see that you are incompassitated, for physically you are whole. So there can't be anything wrong with you. If you appear "up" in your dealings with people it doesn't matter that you
are on 5 different medications just to get along,so that you can work, and not cry and not dwell on suicidal thoughts all the time.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com