Locked out!

I was locked out of my blogger account some months ago. It was a mix up in the information needed to log on.
I am now on 125mg of Anafranil and 300 mg of Lamictal. 2.5mg of Abilify.  Through trial and error my doctor has come to the conclusion that SSRI's do not work for me. I was weened off that type of medication and went on the above about six months ago.
It has worked wonders. The medications have actually changed the thoughts passing through the brain. It has stopped the OCD to the point that I can see things more clearly and accept that things are not as negative as I interpret them to be. One of the thoughts that I have had constantly is that I must control every little detail in my life. If I could not control it, money, bills, health etc my anxiety would multiply and then I would go into depression. These meds have brought me to a point that I can see how the OCD and depression have controlled me all my life.
Also I am on a walk with Jesus now. One thing that I know is that as I turn over the needs of my life to the Lord He gives me a sense of peace. I know the medications are working on me as well. But to have a sense of relief when I pray is getting stronger and stronger. Little things are happening to me day by day. I am beginning to turn everything over to God. And the bills are getting paid. And I am beginning to realize that I am not alone in the struggle with the disease. I am not here to be judged by others and myself and come up lacking. I am a child of God, a new creation, a unique one with no comparison to  anyone or anything else.

                               REALLY!

Low Again

I have been on Luvox for about three weeks and reducing the anafranil. I feel really low right now. I usually don't try the share the low points of this depression in order not bring others to the same point. It is to record how I feel at what point with what medications so that in the future I will make some process on this journey.
Frankly, I do not remember if after twenty years whether or not I have taken this drug before. I would remember if I have kept a blog that long ago.
I am having problems with welbutrin. I believe that it is making the sole of my right foot sore. Medications at present are

• Luvox at two hundred
• Risperdal at .5x2 per day
• Welbutrin at three hundred a day

I am also on singular and claritin as well for allergies. Sometimes I feel that what I am going through with the allergies is affected by the high anxiety I am having. Sometimes I am so fearful of accidents on the road that riding with another person driving is beginning to get on my nerves. Can't let that happen, will lose job.

Medication Dip

In the search to find the right med combination, I am frequently dealing with inadequate levels of the drugs that would slow down the rampant anxiety that I seem to have most of the time. This morning is not so bad and I can create which produces serotonin and that stabilizes me. That is the saving grace of creation, that it does produce directly the one chemical that I need, serotonin, Right now I am going up on Luvox and down on anafranil. Here are to other drugs that I am on right now:    

• Risperdal at .5 mg two times a day, morning and night.
• Wellbutrin at 300 mg once a day, morning
• Luvox, eventually a 150 once a day
• Anafranil at 25 mg once in the morning
• Claritin at 10 mg 
• Singular at 10 mg

So since the hospital visit late 2011 I have been on six different meds and am still trying to find the right  combination. I really do not think that one is available for me and this condition. But at least I am getting some relief from the above combination. I can tell, besides the anxiety and depression when the drugs are working. Dreams are different and my lower jaw is more relaxed and I am more alert.

This morning I feel like writing. I am writing a novel along the lines of an Indiana Jones plot. It is a good mental exercise and creative as well. It is the easiest way to get serotonin in the brain quickly.
Then there is sculpture. I have a bent with caricatures and I love to see them in the 3D versions in my head. So to anyone searching to manage the depression or anxiety that you are having, try being creative and lessen up on that critical eye you might have and enjoy what ever you can create whether cooking, photography, writing, sculpture. It doesn't matter the quality of the product that you create, it is the process of creating that matters. Do not be critical of what you create, it is the process of creating that is the medicine here.                  

Off Anafranil, On Luvox

I am starting on Luvox. I can't remember if I have taken it in the past 20 years.  This is the result of a conversation I had with someone at work. I was ruminating on the thoughts of the blood coming out of my wrist when I cut it accidentally. Although the cut was accidental in nature, the thought that came into my head was: that this is how a suicide would start. Then my OCD came in and I got stuck on that thought. Scary thoughts. I went in and saw the psychiatrist and she said that the anafranil was not doing the job as well as it should have been doing.
I have all these drugs in the system and the VNS as well. Somehow I don't think that the device in the chest (VNS)  is working for me anymore. However,  I don't want to turn it off and try that way either. 

OCD and Depression:My Life

I have been relatively quiet on the blog these last few weeks. Mainly assessing the diagnoses of my latest psychiatrist. And getting used to the drugs once again.

• Wellbutrin 300 mg
• anafranil 125 mg
•  risperdal .5 Two times a day
 

I am slowly pulling up and out of the depressive circular thought patterns. Slowly.

What happens is that I find a thought and fixate on it, make it a scary thought in anyway that I can, and then run that thought over and over again, rampping up the anxiety. Then I see no way out of the situation and go into depression.This, as I look at my life,  has always been. I am now reading David Burn's Mood Therapy. It is about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. This is what  my psychiatrist suggested that I needed to learn about and to use this therapy to pull out of the OCD.

New Mix of Medications

I was diagnosed with OCD sometime back>knew I had it for sometime. Now I am 25 pounds heavier that when I started on anafranil and risperdal and another tranquilizer. The mix is for the high level of anxiety that I am currently suffering. The risperdal will make women lactate. and the doctor  is taking me off of the drug and has put me on wellbutrin. So now I am at 125 mg anafranil and wellbutrin, at 150mg 12H.
The anafranil was causing drowsiness and I have been hitting the energy drinks hard and the chocolate for the  craving for sweets that the anafranil is giving me.
But the allergy shots for the pollen, dust, dust mites, rag weed are working somewhat. I am at the top level and when I got my first shot the other day the welt was a big a a silver dollar, then later that day as big as two silver dollars, almost 6 inches long, and 3 wide. I was told to take another antihistamine and by the next morning the crisis was under control.

Thought Bubbles: Detachment from Constance

In going through this depression and researching the different aspects of what is happening to me, I have begun to look at the depression very differently that when I started on the pills almost twenty years ago. I have learned to look at the situations that surround me with a quiet detachment. It is a way to bare the pain, stop the ostracizing that I sometimes feel when relating my depressive moments to others, who at first seem interested out of compassion, but who are really just fascinated about a story of "mental illness", glad it is happening to someone else and not them.
I met a woman in the mental hospital the second time I went in. She had far more physically wrong with her than I, and much more going on in her personal life. So I followed up the hospital with a few phone calls to her personal number. As we talked, I tried to reach her mentally, give what support that I could. At least I know what depression is, and can talk to a person about it. But I think she was reminded of the hospital and the low mental situation she suffered there (and still continues to suffer at home). But one sees so much hurting all about one's self if one chooses to only dwell on that aspect of life.
I have begun to detach from what I can't do anything about, and attach to goals that I can accomplish. More positive, more in control. Hard if you have not tried it before. Sure, we all have tried to do it before, and maybe it is the anafranil that I am on that makes it easier to be successful in these attempts at this time. Who knows?
Detachment as a survival mechanism, what a delightful answer to problems that could bring on the depression. Too much detachment is a flight from reality and bordering on apathy, just enough should save me.

And the Psychiatrist was Right!

I was on Anafranil in the 90's and then went off of it. I don't remember why, and I did not keep a log at that time. This wish for a non-depressed, non anxious state. is powerful and I am striving to understand it. NO, I do understand that one always wants happiness and will always strive for it. I mean I want to understand what causes the depression and if I can stop it naturally.
The next step is cognitive behavioral therapy(CBT) suggested by Dr. Saavedra. The therapist suggested by her is Linda Grant, a therapist in her business group. I will contact her shortly.
I had one session with her and realized that because of the expense I would not be able to continue. My co pay is 60. She wanted several in one week for starts and then less a bit later. 

Anafranil: Makes me FAT!

January first I weighed about 130, now about two weeks into the new year and the drug I am ten pounds heavier. I asked the psychiatrist about this and she agreed that it makes you crave the fat in the foods. I think it is the sugar  in the foods. I mean that I don't crave ice cream, but corn chips, popcorn, rice with butter. You get the idea. If I was more of a sweets person, I would go down that road, but I am more of a salt person, hence the chips.

The antidepressants and the side effects are not what I really want for myself, but they keep me "sane".
By sane I mean non-depression, a state that lets me handle the stresses and life without breaking down and entering in a mental hospital. This is the raw edge of life. Take a drug that makes the body react in a very unhealthy way so that the mind can cope with the stress. Catch 22? In a LOOP of POOP?

To maintain a healthy body one must have put into the body non-acidic products. Medications are of their nature, acidic. But to have a mind that is not terrorized by depressive, anxious thoughts is a priority as well. So down the road to ill health again? To being overweight and other health problems because of the way the drugs are causing me to feel and react?? The diagnosis was OCD and I can see how that applies, just in the anxiety prone nature of this post.