The new setting for the VNS implant

On February tenth I had the implant turn up to 1.75 every two hours. the next day I had a dental appointment. The Dentist stayed in my mouth for one hour and ten minutes. I ended up crying and being sick for a day and a half. The next week, on the 18th he did only about 15 min of work and I skipped going on the 25th. It has been this stress that has kept me from going down further and faster from the drugs. Now the level is 60 cymbalta, 200 Provigil, 15 Paxil. When I am resting, or have relatively little stress my brain tingles. It is that feeling that I get when it know that I my brain is in a healthly zone. I can handle things better.
The teeth problems will continue for a while, so I will do the teeth appointments every other week.
(All this teeth work needed antibiotics, which caused more problems with depression because they further messed up my digestion by killing the flora in my intestines that provide for the digestion and immunity functions of the body-editor)

Back on paxil at 30mg

I am on 60 cymbalta and 200 provigil and now after this morning, thirty paxil. I have been noticing the symptoms of the disease returning. I am groggy throughout the day, I crave carbohydrates more and caffeine . I can't have the caffeine because of the fibrous nodes in my breasts. Somehow the more caffeine I have the more soreness in the breasts.
When the device is working the best I can eat very little, am more active, leave thoughts that disturb me, feel that I can get through anything. I just have a better quality of life all around.
The 1.50 at 2.5 hours worked for about 4 days as I went down on paxil. I was just taking the cymbalta and provigil. By the tenth day I was going into depression again. So I went back on 15 paxil and at times took 45mg a day this I did for about four days. Then for about a week I was fine just taking 15mg, then the down turn again getting more tired, more craving carbohydrates and so today I went back to 30mg.

Magnesium Works!

The Tricor that was given to me for high cholesterol gave me intense migraines. I had ordered a book, a health book from Bottomline Books and in there it suggested to take magnesium. I stopped the Tricor and began to take the magnesium and slowly over a period of a week lessened the headaches. I will continue to take the mag every 2-3 hours at 500 mg and see what happens. Hopefully all symptoms will go. I have increased eating spinach and other greens as well. It has also sharpened my mind. I am down to only the Cymbalta and the Provigil now. I have not had to adjust the VNS since July.

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Depression Returns

Depression hit me strong yesterday, almost, but not quite to the crying stage. I am better today, still having floaters in the eyes. I want to use the massage pillow, but I do not know if having an electronic field that close to the area ( my upper back) would bode well for the implant.
As for thoughts of depressive things, they have backed off. OCD has backed off. Teeth hurt, must be clenching my jaws in my sleep. I have bumped up the provigil to 300 mg every day, along with my other medications.(Cymbalta 120, generic paxil at 60, thyrodiazine at 50 mg) Right now I am having naps of only light sleep. but I sleep normally at night. To me this is good news.

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A call in the night

Got home last night to find the doctor's number on the voice mail. Dr. Corbyon. And a call from Cheryl. I have everything set up, but there might be a hitch some where. So today I will call.
Taking more of the medications has helped immensely but I know it will be at a cost later on. At least the thoughts of bloody knives and car accidents have stopped. Migraines are still here daily. I have stopped crying on a daily basis.
I listened to the support call on this past Tuesday. I have gained some hope.
Another thing that helps me is that I tell myself stories that I make up on the spot. I do this on the ride home from work. Stories of adventure, sci-fi, fantasy. Some are stories that mirror what is going on in my life. Some are pure fantasy. It diverts the mind, enhances the creative mind and in so doing releases serotonin. By the time I get home, I feel great. This is while I am on four meds. I can imagine what it would like without the meds. No thoughts other than horror scenes and terror screams.
I think the provigil is doing a stress number on my heart. I seem to have a little pain that I can not explain right over that area since I upped the dosage.
My upper back is in stress, all knotted up. I know that the meds help control the level of stress that I feel in the body and they control the fibermyalgia that I have because of the depression, but why, on a higher dose are the knots in the back not controlled?
I still have food cravings as well. Junk food rules, starchy, salty, anything goes.
At least I am not at the chocolate stage. When nothing helps but chocolate, God help me. Chocolate triggers, I believe, serotonin, or one of the amino acids that makes up what I need in the brain. but by the time that strikes me I am pretty low.

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Up to Deland

Today is roadtrip day.According to Mapquest it is a 55 mile trip. It sounds as if adventure is about to begin. I hope so.
Yesterday Dr Fig's office ran out of Provigil. That's another 400.00 for the meds. I told John and he will help me pay for it. But to me that is a stop gap measure. I feel so frustrated and impotent when that happens. But perhaps today will start a new episode in my treatment.It is worth the amount that it will cost, just to fight it on a new level.
I doubt that people can really understand what mental illness is.It is a blanket smothering the very essence of life. At least depression is. I notice that everything is muted and stunted when the disease is raging. Even taste is effected. I can't experience a deep sense pleasure, happiness, fullness (as in eating). I crave Reese's Peanutbutter cups when at work. And will eat two packages at a sitting. It is good as it goes down, but afterwards I am the same. Then of course I am irritable, unstable emotionally, wanting to cry most of the time. I can not concentrate, little things distract and I cannot get through a task. I want to sleep a lot, just to get away from it all. This is just the part that at this time I can write about.
As I look back at the past I belittled myself constantly, in everything I did, said, and thought about. This even included religious things. So I became one without religion, but I knew that God was still there, just waiting to punish me. No love or understanding in that relationship.

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