Today is roadtrip day.According to Mapquest it is a 55 mile trip. It sounds as if adventure is about to begin. I hope so.
Yesterday Dr Fig's office ran out of Provigil. That's another 400.00 for the meds. I told John and he will help me pay for it. But to me that is a stop gap measure. I feel so frustrated and impotent when that happens. But perhaps today will start a new episode in my treatment.It is worth the amount that it will cost, just to fight it on a new level.
I doubt that people can really understand what mental illness is.It is a blanket smothering the very essence of life. At least depression is. I notice that everything is muted and stunted when the disease is raging. Even taste is effected. I can't experience a deep sense pleasure, happiness, fullness (as in eating). I crave Reese's Peanutbutter cups when at work. And will eat two packages at a sitting. It is good as it goes down, but afterwards I am the same. Then of course I am irritable, unstable emotionally, wanting to cry most of the time. I can not concentrate, little things distract and I cannot get through a task. I want to sleep a lot, just to get away from it all. This is just the part that at this time I can write about.
As I look back at the past I belittled myself constantly, in everything I did, said, and thought about. This even included religious things. So I became one without religion, but I knew that God was still there, just waiting to punish me. No love or understanding in that relationship.
Yesterday Dr Fig's office ran out of Provigil. That's another 400.00 for the meds. I told John and he will help me pay for it. But to me that is a stop gap measure. I feel so frustrated and impotent when that happens. But perhaps today will start a new episode in my treatment.It is worth the amount that it will cost, just to fight it on a new level.
I doubt that people can really understand what mental illness is.It is a blanket smothering the very essence of life. At least depression is. I notice that everything is muted and stunted when the disease is raging. Even taste is effected. I can't experience a deep sense pleasure, happiness, fullness (as in eating). I crave Reese's Peanutbutter cups when at work. And will eat two packages at a sitting. It is good as it goes down, but afterwards I am the same. Then of course I am irritable, unstable emotionally, wanting to cry most of the time. I can not concentrate, little things distract and I cannot get through a task. I want to sleep a lot, just to get away from it all. This is just the part that at this time I can write about.
As I look back at the past I belittled myself constantly, in everything I did, said, and thought about. This even included religious things. So I became one without religion, but I knew that God was still there, just waiting to punish me. No love or understanding in that relationship.
