Depression: The Great Imposter

When I heard that Robin Williams had died I wanted to write right away, wanted to make a statement. But I decided to wait for the comments of others to see if they could understand what he was going through. On a Fox News web page I ran across  the following information. Doctor Keith Ablow got it right when he wrote the following article click here.

The statements that he makes are, frankly, the best and most accurate description of depression that I have ever read.
I believe that I am going through the last of the most recent bout of the disease. I began to break it's hold on me when I inserted a phrase into the constant streaming negative comments running through my mind: these people around me are not thinking the same negative thoughts that I am thinking. I other words I worked on bringing myself back to reality. Over and over again I applied this to my thinking. Gradually reality would set in and I felt better.
As this was going on so was something else was as well and when I realized it and used it again and again reality again set in. The thing that was going on was that I realized that the time that I was enjoying laughing, feeling content, the depression ebbed. One might say, well of course! But it meant that I could control it. Just that realization set me to thinking. I said it over and over. Finally it started to work. I was fighting an Imposter. The negative thoughts (depression) were(are) the Imposter.
This is not all my own work. God had a lot to do with this pattern. I  see God as all powerful and would lay these negative thoughts on His back and realized that I would feel better. I knew the Bible was Holy and True. If the Bible said to do this, and It does, then He will follow through and take the negatives and turn them positive.
I find that one has to accept something as true and unassailable (unshakeable). To me that is God and His Word. Doubts will rise up, that is why the thought that God would help me had to be unshakeable. I realize that this pattern of thought is working. Yes, there are going to be lapses, but Hang on, strap yourself to the idea and use it time and again. It does work to break the depression. But to get to this place it am on a high level of drugs as well. But just the drugs alone were not enough to bring me to the current level of contentment.

Other Health Issues

I thought that I had, through a different type of medication( for bipolar, and not just depression) and a new doctor that I had gotten the disease under control. Well, I had always said that if I had to have pain that I would rather have physical pain and not mental.
Well, now the two are combined and that is a blow. But I have also learn in the depressed times in the past that if I get my mind off of the depression through, say, singing along with positive songs on the Christian radio station, the depression will lift. It does work.
I think that singing along with positive music does two things:

• Makes you come out of the current thought pattern(s) that you are struggling with and

• focuses your thoughts on the bigger issues in life. Like peace and the light that is in life inherently. It is there, whether you can feel it in your thoughts or not.....

Medication can make you see this more clearly. But there is a stronger presence in believing in something bigger than you.  Depression when viewed bigger than you will win over you. Ask Some One (God) to take away that pain (depression) by giving it every minute to HIM. Every time the problem (depression) comes, look towards the light and just believe that HE has taken the discontent onto HIS shoulders. HE is bigger than you. HE can handle anything. Some times it takes years to realize this. Faith wavers. Depression will come and go because it is the way you have always reacted to the situations that your life is full of. THINK ON THIS. At least it will be a different way of thinking, and depression is a selfish way of thinking. I know I still have the pattern of depressive thoughts haunting me, and it is hard. When the problems wash over me I have to give my thoughts to HIM, let HIM deal with it.
Whether you are religious or not, you have to know that there is a larger thing out in life that can lift you. You did not make nature, God did, you are selfish to turn away from what is true.

Well I know that was a rant on God, it deserves to be looked into. There is something bigger than your problems.

Locked out!

I was locked out of my blogger account some months ago. It was a mix up in the information needed to log on.
I am now on 125mg of Anafranil and 300 mg of Lamictal. 2.5mg of Abilify.  Through trial and error my doctor has come to the conclusion that SSRI's do not work for me. I was weened off that type of medication and went on the above about six months ago.
It has worked wonders. The medications have actually changed the thoughts passing through the brain. It has stopped the OCD to the point that I can see things more clearly and accept that things are not as negative as I interpret them to be. One of the thoughts that I have had constantly is that I must control every little detail in my life. If I could not control it, money, bills, health etc my anxiety would multiply and then I would go into depression. These meds have brought me to a point that I can see how the OCD and depression have controlled me all my life.
Also I am on a walk with Jesus now. One thing that I know is that as I turn over the needs of my life to the Lord He gives me a sense of peace. I know the medications are working on me as well. But to have a sense of relief when I pray is getting stronger and stronger. Little things are happening to me day by day. I am beginning to turn everything over to God. And the bills are getting paid. And I am beginning to realize that I am not alone in the struggle with the disease. I am not here to be judged by others and myself and come up lacking. I am a child of God, a new creation, a unique one with no comparison to  anyone or anything else.

                               REALLY!

Thought Bubbles: Unexpected Blessings

I WAS UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WHEN A FRIEND SENT THIS   




GOD SPEAKS

The woman whispered, "God, speak to me" and a meadowlark sang.

But, the woman did not hear.

So the woman yelled, "God, speak to me" and the thunder rolled across the sky.

But, the woman did not listen. The woman looked around and said, "God let me see you." And a star shined brightly. But the woman did not see. And, the woman shouted, "God show me a miracle." And, a life was born. But, the woman did not notice. So, the woman cried out in despair, "Touch me God, and let me know you are here." Whereupon, God reached down and touched the woman. But, the woman brushed the butterfly away . and walked on. I found this to be a great reminder that God is always around us in the little and simple things that we take for granted ... even in our electronic age.. So I would like to add one more: The woman cried, "God, I need your help!" And an e-mail arrived reaching out with good news and encouragement. But, the woman deleted it and continued crying . Don't miss out on a blessing because it isn't packaged the way that you expect.  Have A Beautiful Day! With God, All Things Are Possible. Mark 10:27

Thought Bubbles: Holley's blog

I take inspiration from where ever I can get it. Here is a blog that I read almost every morning: It Is by Holley Gerth

I don't know exactly where you are at this moment.

But I know this...

You are loved.

You are surrounded by grace.

I'm not sure what's ahead of you in the days to come.

But I'm sure of this...

You will not face it alone.

You already have victory in the ways that matter most.

I may not see every detail of your circumstances.

But I see this...

You have a God who watches over you with tender care.

And wherever you are, He is already there.

As you begin your week, my friend, know that you're in my thoughts and prayers!

Who in your life needs to hear this today too?

--Holley

She says things so lovingly and graciously that I am hesitant to write anything afterwards. But  I am reminded that the world does go on around me as I struggle with the battle within. To pull myself up out of the stifling, overbearing river of depression and breathe again the breath of life, that is my goal! How can one do so without the guidance of a God, of friends, of family.

Thought Bubbles: Character development?

My continued suffering of this disease is developing several character traits that I have shortage of. Namely, I have suffered enough from the inside sources of my pain, I will not accept others trying to judge me, or cause me guilt. After all it is my acceptance of that guilt that makes it legit. And it is that way with the inner pain as well. We are getting there.

Another is, I am in this for the rest of my life. A fight to the end and I will fight. It challenges me. I take that challenge and run with it. 

No one, nothing, except God knows what I have suffered as I lay crying, drove crying, tears streaming down my face. So I have that quite power that gives me strength. 

Now I must learn to defuse from the whole concept of "depression is me". It is just a part of a splendid person that I have become. 

Thought Bubbles: Stone God?

My degree is in art history. I always thought that the stone images of gods from the stone age all the way to modern times-primitive tribal art- were quaint, but really gave no more thought to them. Maybe a study of the form, or how the artist and the style merged to create that piece of art.

Then, well, this relationship that I am - or God is- developing in me, speaks of intimacy that far outstrips the feelings of a dead piece of stone, wood or plastic, or metal. Of course those "gods" survive in the present in the form of plastics (credit cards), wood (household furnishings), stone,( representing buildings, homes) metal (cars). All things that the true God has made, so why not seek a true relationship with Him?

Any relationship takes so much to develop. Time, patience, feelings, emotions are involved with every relationship. He doesn't expect perfection, that is what He sent Jesus for. We, we get the benefit of that relationship that Jesus has with his Father. To believe in Jesus, God, and the Spirit, well it is like being adopted by the most loving, forgiving family that could ever be. But it is a relationship, you have to be honest, true and caring with God, so that you get the benefit that God wants to give to the relationship.

Much more than a stone sculpture from the past. Much more than the empty pursuit of chasing after material things.

Thought Bubbles: Hugs

Thought Bubbles:  Hugs

In this, what I call a "lock up" there're no hugs.

We can't even reach out and touch a human, with what we know would comfort them.  That most shocked me. That and the scalding pot, looking glass that God dropped me into.

I met a young woman, who like me, grabbed her Bible as she ran from one confused situation to another. if we could all grab that book, and  plop it open and search for the comfort that it brings.  letting the Spirit drift into the soul. And like a sponge searching for living water, soak it up.

Her name was Meghan. I hope I find you friend. The times we shared the verse that we should cast our cares on the Lord for he careth for you. Or the one about eagles wings.

This lock up was a place were people go who are in crisis.  Drug withdrawals,  medicine imbalances.. When you go in you are desperate. Very.  You are stripped of all electronic devices.  Our toys,   But our connections to the outside world as well. Everything that could harm you, yourself, or anyone else. Is taken. When we totally give ourselves to God I think it is like that.

Thought Bubbles

What Makes Me Believe!!!

I get inspired by the way God paints! Yeah! 

Throws the paint down to the earth in the form of flowers, grass,

 The rolling clouds are His fingers as He sculpts His domains.

Shadows play along the leaves and 

weave patterns of delight

to my eyes!

He is truly here with us. 

Silence the soul and open the your

eyes to Him.

art work copyright Janet Matthews and available at

bubbledreams

Different antihistamine

Started a different antihistamine on the 6th of October. The previous was generic for Zyrtec.10 mg per 24 hrs.  This is generic for Allerga 60 mg every twelve hours. Last night after the second dose I thought it was giving me an allergic reaction. Scary thoughts. But I concentrated on positive bible passages. I think fear of the unknown sometimes triggers more allergic-like reactions than what would normally occur.
Same day 7:15 pm
Amazing day. As the symptoms came on I asked God to take them, just to take them. They would disappear. My mood was amazing. No depression. At all. Combination of positive Christian based thought:
The Lord makes perfect all that concerns me. Proverbs 138:8.
(yesterday, as I picked up the new allergy OTC drug I met a woman that was running the register who had the same problem as I do: allergy triggered depression. We traded notes, and I gave her a card. The real stunning part: she had my same first name. I had wondered if I should even go into WALGREENS to purchase the allergy OTC. Some thing or some One told me to do it at that time and to share a bit of what was happening to me. There are no coincidences. Just to make sure I got the message that she was there to let me know that I do not suffer alone, I am not crazy, she had my same first name. There are no coincidences in life.)
And today I am amazed that I can sit out in the rain and endure. On only three doses of an OTC.?! Yesterday I would run out of the work area, which 
Is located outside when it was just moist and cloudy, just a little rain. Today,rain for most of the day. A Blessing.?
You bet, an encounter of the Holy kind? You judge!

Thought Bubbles: Cloud Kisses

I see Gods hands in the clouds as they form and the wind as it moves the branches of the trees.
As the wind caresses my skin. As the light sparkles in the leaves.
Sometimes the clouds form His hands as He reaches down to caress my face.
 He is everywhere. And as big as He is He loves me. me little me..
Ain't that neat?


www.thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com  for silhouette art work
www.nicktimeflyer.com    for tea party history for kids

Thought Bubbles: God and Prayer

God may not answer prayer for these reasons:

• Your relationship with God has been neglected, you have focused on carnal things, refocus on Him.
• Timing is not right for Him to answer:other plans, other people's minds and thought must be brought into line with His plans.
• He wants develop patience and faith in me. Having me look for his response is one of those ways.
• Also maybe my reasons for what I want are not the correct reasons for wanting that thing.

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com for silhouette artwork

www.nicktimeflyer.com tea party history for kids!

Thought Bubbles: Your Birth was not a Mistake!

I have just finished reading Rick Warren's The Purpose Driven Life. I have read it before but this time it speaks to me so much more. When I wake up depressed-from breathing mold, or a reaction to foods eaten, or to chemicals used the day before, I have to keep in mind what I read on page 22.




                                    YOU ARE NOT AN ACCIDENT
YOUR BIRTH WAS NOT MISTAKE OR MISHAP, AND YOUR LIFE IS NO FLUKE OF NATURE........
YOUR PARENTS MAY NOT HAVE PLANNED YOU,
                              BUT GOD DID.




Yes, God did. He is developing me like an old time photo. Pieces of me making sense, developing, a little at a time. In the "dark room" of life a truly amazing piece of artwork is developin' :me! I am here for Him to develop. All that I ask of Him is to tell me the food, mold, chemical that has cause the current problem, and I will trust Him that It is probable that that is the culprit. 
For years I could not believe that I could be affected by so many things. But  if I leave the substance alone and then retry it later and the same thing happens, well, what am I to think? It does develop trust in God, in one's self and in the science of I have tried this and this is the result. It develops character to endure through the depression, ear popping, loss of balance, weird thoughts, itchy skin and blurry eyes. It shows me that even if I have all of these and more, it could be worse. 

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

www.nicktimeflyer.com

jkmatthews100

Depression lingers from the accident

I have been in and out of depression more often since the car accident.
Before the accident I would go into depression perhaps every other week. A mild depression, to be sure, but now it is getting to be daily. I thought as the body healed from the bruised and sprained back and neck, the depressions would be less. So far not. But I am hopeful that if I can get a grip on the reality of the situation, that I will get better, that I can have the happiness that I had before.
I had no target before my past improvement. I did not know what happiness could be. I had surrendered to the depression because I knew nothing else. Now I know I have been happy just last month.
I will get better.
God says that he will perfect all that concerns me. (Psalm 138:8). I have to keep this in the forefront as I heal.
There is more to life than depression. Most people would say duh. But when it is in your face 24/7 you get so deep into your pain that you can not see around it. Replace thoughts that are depressive with thoughts of God's love and the depression lessens. For He truly does love us. Really.

Stress, Self Esteem, Trust

In order to stabilize myself and run my life I have to realize that things are as stressful as I permit them to be. I can dwell on them, repeating them in my mind and I get more and more depressed. Toxic thoughts cause stress and are hard to control unless one deliberately replaces the negative thoughts with the positive. A favorite bible passage usually works. The Lord will perfect all that concerns me (Psalm 138:8). Fill your mind with it. Every negative thought must be fought. Refuse to dwell on the situation and the situation diminishes.
Another way to handle stress is to have a quiet time with God. In times past work and it's rewards were more important than God. Family time was left unattended to. Yes,  run run run, and all for the promise of what, a paycheck ? Yes we all do it. We are to have balance as well.  I did it for all the regular reasons, house,car, food (lol). Dread of being  unemployed, etc.
God says develop a relationship with Him and He will provide--for everything.  That is what the quite time with Him is for.
Being creative is another way to stop stress. One must take that time to create. Cook, paint,  write, sculpt.  Any creative thing. It is as important as eating correctly.
Exercise, each day. It eliminates toxins, oxygenates the brain. I couldn't get any benefit from it for the longest time because I had no energy from eating the wrong foods all the time.  Allergic reaction to foods and the increased inflammation  from that caused and still causes fatigue.
God has given me the message that I am to take care of my physical health first and right next to that, not below it, my closeness to Him. If I do this and not worry about anything else He will provide and I will proser.
Self esteem is related to stress in that the amount of things that I get done, the higher my self esteem sores. But the more I get done the more tasks I  take on.   Pushing myself to do more causes more stress.    Catch 22. That is what I am working on constantly. Why do I have to obtain self love from working myself to death. Knowing that I am alright with out the always run run attitude is the answer. God says that I am more than all of this. He loves me and has a plan just for me, and He will put the plan in place at the time of His choosing.
Trust is another component in the mixture. Trust God to do what He says He will do.  He will protect you, loves you, wants only good for you. After prayer, discussion with friends, you must trust yourself, your vision, and when God answers you, trust that answer.

Thought Bubbles:Connection with God

 I think that to be successful in fighting depression I must have connection with God. Not just a mouthing of it, but a true heartfelt trust that I am truly loved by Him. Forgiven, cared for, strengthen by Him. That I am more than the problems that I face.
I have to have a support system around me.
Spiritual relationship with God
Physicians that want to heal me, not just sustain me on drugs.
Family that understands that it isn't just the blues that I am fighting.
I fight everyday.

Closing in on God

I think that to be successful in fighting depression I must have a connection with God. Not just a mouthing of it, but a true heartfelt trust that I am truly loved by Him. Forgiven, cared for, strengthened by Him. That I am more than the problems that I face. 


Stress can be fought by keeping in mind that God will perfect anything, anything that concerns me. This does not mean that He will make it always to my liking. No, but that how ever it turns out it will be God's will. And I know that He loves me and will care for me always. This reduces stress greatly. To feel love instead of stress brings peace to me. 


The Lord will perfect that which concerns me. Psalm 138: 8


Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you. Hebrews 13:5


There is the truth that whatever you think of most becomes your reality. So if I dwell on negativity then I feel weak, depressed, sluggish and sick. However if I feel my mind with the above and things like it, well the stress and depression lifts.

Thought Bubbles: Distance of God

When the depression rages, say after eating wheat, well God seems distant. He seems not to talk to me as much. Oh, He talks alright. Through conversations, music, comments etc. But when I am depressed, well He seems furthest away.

Thought Bubbles:The Healing Moment

It was on Nov. 22 that I asked God to heal me. In the car in the parking lot at my employee parking. Immediately in my head I heard a voice that said you've never asked. And my head started tingling. I mean tingling. This feeling of tingling is not new to me. Every time the depression had lifted, even for a few minutes, my brain, in some area would tingle. Picture a ball, the brain on the interior, and the skin of the ball is where the tingling would happen. This tingling in the past would occur randomly and a I could see no pattern, no connection to thoughts, food, meds, herbs, etc.
But here lately when I think of the full acceptance of God's love, well sometimes it happens. Just the watching of the brain and how it reacts to all of this is a part of this blog. It tingled for about 10 or 15 minutes, the full skin all over the head. This had never happened like this before. I have not been depressed in two weeks. God had responded in seconds.
(Yes, the depression returned, but it gave me the hope that God is there, but that I was not ready for the healing. This sounds weird, but shortly after this incident I heard another message that patience was needed, Three different times, one time on three different days in a row,-editor)

Spiritual Things continue

I seem to be realizing that God is more than a white bearded Man on a throne. He is everything. The wind, the light, the emotions of light, airiness, hope, the things that are not seen, but are happiness. We are creatures of God and have only to accept Him to thrive in Him. He is always here, but until we accept that, then we are in darkness. Darkness is pain, the devil, evil. Note that a "d" precedes evil in the word devil?
Well thoughts like this and more have been occuring to me these last few days. The darkness of depression is away from light, from God, to believe that He is here is to make oneself whole.
Pretty heady stuff. I will write more later.