True Inner Happiness is Rare

In the search for what will make me happy, I have done many things. (Don't we all). But I don't mean just material things, even spiritual things, I mean I want to laugh. Over silly things. It seems that that doesn't happen very often. A really deep sense of happiness and silliness. I did have a small amount last night. Listening to silly ringtones. I was laughing like crazy!  Serotonin was surging and for about an hour I was silly/happy. I think with all the stress in today's world and the seriousness of the state of things more silly things are called for. Not demeaning, just let loose silly things.

I have to learn to let go, and back off of ruminating thoughts. This is after 9 months on medications. and eight different ones at that. Any thought can become ruminating. Most are negative, and full of anxiety. But if I can just dwell on the words "Drop it and back off!" The feeling of control of the thoughts empowers me. Even just a little bit. So if I can replace the thoughts with silly things on intention, it does help.

Rivera Still can't find device and the "B" list starts

I called Dr Rivera on Tuesday the 14th and found out that he still has not found the device to adjust the VNS unit. It was last adjusted July 23rd. I have reduced the drugs again starting on the 15th and this time had very little problems. I stopped the restless leg syndrome drug. That drug Ropinirole (Requip), seems to be another mind drug and I would rather not start taking it and stay on it for years and years. I have had my ups and downs. But on the whole I seem better. More alert, more able to do art when coming home after working all day. I can enjoy life more.
One thing I do notice is that anger and the deepness that I experience it takes so much out of me that I almost feel sick, weak, after an episode. I will have to counter with anger management techniques. Only one person makes me that mad at the present. That is Bruno. I will just call him that. I will keep a record here of what he says and does that starts me off. After all this is part of the depression. Intense anger.
This has been going on since April 08. Luckily we do not work together much.
Last week within one hour of arriving on shift he insults me 3 times. I can only remember him calling my order instructions chicken scratch and saying he could not help me because he could not read them. So instead he stands around while I am busy and the orders are piling up. He did ring me up. And helped frame current orders. Then he said that most people don't mind waiting for me{you are soooo slow} (insinuating that it was ok for them to wait while he stood around. The third thing that he said I can't remember now).
Today he comes in early, while I am busy, doesn't offer help, just stares at me, and starts to stock the cart. It did not need stocking. Not at that time. Then he complains that it took me 15 min to glue down and frame three silhouettes. It was way more than that. five singles and a triple. And dating on eight cards.
Maybe if I write this stuff down, I can get a perspective on it and maybe learn to deal with it in a better way. (This type of anger was common when under the depression, a kind of blind OCD rumination of problems and disgruntlement-editor)

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