Locked out!

I was locked out of my blogger account some months ago. It was a mix up in the information needed to log on.
I am now on 125mg of Anafranil and 300 mg of Lamictal. 2.5mg of Abilify.  Through trial and error my doctor has come to the conclusion that SSRI's do not work for me. I was weened off that type of medication and went on the above about six months ago.
It has worked wonders. The medications have actually changed the thoughts passing through the brain. It has stopped the OCD to the point that I can see things more clearly and accept that things are not as negative as I interpret them to be. One of the thoughts that I have had constantly is that I must control every little detail in my life. If I could not control it, money, bills, health etc my anxiety would multiply and then I would go into depression. These meds have brought me to a point that I can see how the OCD and depression have controlled me all my life.
Also I am on a walk with Jesus now. One thing that I know is that as I turn over the needs of my life to the Lord He gives me a sense of peace. I know the medications are working on me as well. But to have a sense of relief when I pray is getting stronger and stronger. Little things are happening to me day by day. I am beginning to turn everything over to God. And the bills are getting paid. And I am beginning to realize that I am not alone in the struggle with the disease. I am not here to be judged by others and myself and come up lacking. I am a child of God, a new creation, a unique one with no comparison to  anyone or anything else.

                               REALLY!

Mood Disorder

Since last writing I have been given the go ahead to try lamictal. It is a drug that I am severely thankful for. It melts on your tongue and so it is in your system far sooner than any other drug that I have been on. I am also on abilify and wellbutrin.
My psychiatrist says it is a mood disorder, but did not mention bipolar. Maybe it is not as severe as the latter. But it is helping me to get things off my chest and calm things down emotionally and give me some peace. I am now not so anxious about my putting my foot down about certain things and not to much ruminating on it afterward. The things have bothered me emotionally for some time. As I am feeling less anxious about things in general, I feel that it has helped me greatly to have this drug. 

ACCEPTANCE IS HARD

Since going on Abilify insomnia is a constant companion. I messed up and took a tranquilizer at the wrong time of day at the wrong dosage. In an effort to get some 'useful' time out of the day, I took a risperdal in the late after noon. WRONG! Thing to do. 36 hours later my body is still messed up. 
The risperdal caused insomnia, causing over tiredness causing a weakness that started an anxiety attack. 
When the attack happens, it is not a panic attack. It starts with a feeling in the chest that feels like heartburn. If I start in with slow deep breaking the anxiety can be delayed. If I start with this(anxiety) in the morning by early afternoon I will have depression. The chemicals in anxiety will push the brain into depression.
I think that I am developing agoraphobia. I am safe inside the house,that is if the house doesn't fall in on me. But safer here than all the other places and scenarios in my life. I still dwell and ruminate on horrific (at least to me) things. 
The Chiropractor says that my atlas bone is severely out of place. It is twisted and possibly tilted. We do not know if this is from the 5/5/11 accident or if I had it before. No x rays at that angle to determine that were taken before the accident. The X-rays before the accident were taken at a certain angle, not the angles of these latests shots. That is the difference. I can not prove that the accident has worsened the depression through external tests, but it did and has.. But I signed a waiver and can't get any more money. Acceptance of the way that this disease effects me is the worse part of this disease right now. 

In the mix!

It seems that the mixture of all the drugs seems to be slowly working. I am more productive in the artwork, writing and blogging. I have a good level of energy through out the day for projects in the evening and in the mornings as well. A reminder of what the mixture is here
http://draft.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=3729535059627039435#editor/target=post;postID=137343103729171494
I realize that I go up and down in this battle. I am not bipolar, just that I go in and out of depression. Certainly as well in anxiety, It is just that when I am up I have several projects I would like to do.
Projects in art , writing and sculpture (see last post!)

The Abilify is working.

The last time I took Abilify I suffered greatly from the sleeplessness. But now it seems that I am doing fine. Creativity has really blossomed and I am sculpting. I am organizing an-epub. for IBooks for the Children's Historical Fiction Nick Anderson:Timeflyer  the American Revoloution. Then I will go to Amazon to do a Kindle version in color.

nickanderson@gmail.com

And I have started to write again I and am almost ready to publish it and do so to IBooks. Three novelettes. The third one is being written right now.
They are about an archeologist that suffers from anxiety and depression.

I have to do these things while I am "up" 

which usually lasts just a few months.

Some are projects that have taken months to get to 

this stage. And when I am capable  of doing it, up enough I go hell

bent for leather.

Kinda a Catch 22. Work hard, stress, then depression. This time I have a new

doctor and perhaps with her knowledge I will remain up longer this time.

I have the VNS implant as well as 5 different medication for the depression.

One other thing!

Hitch Hiking Ghosts!

I am bloging about the artwork that I do at a local Orlando theme park. Some of the work is for sale at this famous World class park. And all my work will be for sale on

www.thesilhouetteshop.blogspot.com

jkmatthews@cfl.rr.com

New Drugs

Current Drugs
Abilify at 2.5 mg
Luvox at 300 mg
wellbutin at 300 mg
clonazepam at .5 mg
risperdal 2.5

I am going to try abilify again. I told Saavedra that I had trouble last time, just a few months ago.

Abilify SuckS!

New doctors orders to reduce and come off Abilify: ending up in insomnia, terror in thoughts, jerking awake, horrible. As you notice, not spelling well goes with not sleeping well as well. Going back on cymbalta at 30 mg for one week, then 60 for three weeks,
What I hate most is the drugs ability to make one like a drug addict. Craving it, have to have it for sanity. Hating that control it has over you.

Then there is the panic that you can not get it because of the insurance for some reason. Just horrible. So that is why I went to the VNS but it does not do it all.
I have to survive to tell people about this hideousness.

These are Janet’s other sites:

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Vindicated!!!!!!!

If you want a great  psychiatrist in the Orlando area, Dr. Lillian Saavedra is the one to go to. She said that allergies are the cause of depression! That when one is undergoing a bad about of allergies to use the anti depressants, then get off of them! That one does not have to be a slave to the drugs! She will be where I will stay in this current about of allergy flare up. Why go anywhere else? She said that the current administration of allergy shots and the VNS should be fine for me. She switched up the medications and the timing of them. We will try this new way of doing things.

Singular in the morning, Xyzal in the noon time, no more antihistamines after about 2pm. She took me off the Abilify and Lexapro, and put me on Cymbalta. Gave me a schedule of how to get off Abilify. We mentioned me going to Steven Spieser for treatment, however Lillian is about only two miles away from me. I had Spieser twenty years ago. He may have changed in all that time, but I like her more than him because she the drugs are not to make you a slave to them, he was different on that tack. But more information has come out in twenty years.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

VNS, Xanan, Abilify

The VNS device is at 2 mhz every two hours and the metabolism is crazy. The Abilify,  makes me increadibly hungry, and the VNS just burns it off. Perfect combo. But to get the balance just right is the hard thing.

It could be that the antihistamines (Xyzal, Singular) are what the body really needs and as the depression leaves, which it mostly has, the VNS seems to work overtime at the same setting. I noticed this as the food sensitivities or allergies were clearing out. It maybe that as the allergy shots build the tolerances to pollen, grass, dust and dust mites the VNS, or the Abilify could be cut down. I think the VNS and Abilify both, a little at a time.

New Drugs

11/10/11

Current medications:

Xanex@ .25 was added on nov 1
Singular 10 mg on Nov 2
Xyzal 5 mg on oct 26
Abilify 5mg on Nov 7 Monday this week

VNS @2.25 @2 hour. Seemed to increase anxiety, don't know. shut off the device three times yesterday. 11/10/11

Digestive enzymes, zenpep 10,000 units, 3 to 5 caps before each meal

Supplements

      Vit C, up to 10,000 mg daily

      Vit B 5, 2000 mcg daily

      Vit B 12 , 5000 mcg daily

      Vit D up to 10,000 IU daily

      Lysine, 4,800 mg daily

      Dindolylmethane (DIM) , 200 mg daily

      liquid Vit supplement

      fish oil 2000 IU daily