Got through Christmas Rush

I started taking the paxil again(on Dec 3), as stated in the last post.This put me at 200 provigal,15 paxil, 60 cymbalta VNS at 1.25 every 2.5 hours). The paxil was restarted at 15mg. This increasing of the amount of serotonin stopped the migraines. During the vacation I was active and moving around more than usual. I stuffed myself daily and ate every night before bed. I began taking the restless leg syndrome drug regularly. I notice with less stress the implant seems to cause me to burn more calories. Not necessarily through action, but sped up metabolism. It also allows me to get more done, mentally as well. I am more willing to do more stuff and combine tasks, and have energy even after that. I can depend on the level of energy. This pleases me to no end.
During the vacation Cheryl called me and told me that Dr. Rivera now had all that he needed to start up therapy again. I made an appointment for Tues. Jan 13th.
As I weighed myself after the vacation, I had only gained three pounds. As I went back to work and stress increased I gained weight eating less than on vacation. So more stress decreases the effect of the implant. Dah. But I was able to handle the stress with out the anxiety and depression coming on. I worked 57 hours in six days, straight, no days off. Only tired on the last day. No depression. Before the implant and on far more medications ( 200 provigal,60 paxil, 50 thoridiazine, 60 cymbalta) I could only work 32 hours in a 5 day period.
I am scheduled to have a scan on the liver,  enzymes are denoting possible problems.
I am going to diet and exercise in the new year to stop the cholesterol and oncoming sugar problems.

Called Rivera Again, Then Cheryl Cisernos

Dr.Rivera still has not replaced the device that was lost, missed placed during storms. It is now the 4th of Dec. I called Cheryl of Cyberonics to see if she could help with this problem and this call was on the first of Dec. She said she would take care of it. I have started taking the paxil again on 12/3. 15mg a day. The migraines and muscle pain went down a tiny bit. Perhaps I should talk to Dr Figeuroa to see if I can convince him to help out. At least I can approach him and start the process.

Bad Downturn

On the 27,28,29th of November I had a bad downturn. After weeks of dental problems, then a cold that got centered in my ears I had the anxiety and depression that is usual in this kinda attack. It seems that this attack lasts about 72 hours.
Perhaps better diet, more exercise, and more sessions with the massage pillow will help slow the frequency of the attacks.
I have constant floaters now. Have for months.

Up on medication

I have started on paxil again . One half of one tablet again. Don't even remember the strength. I believe that would be 15mg.

The Reason for the Migraines

Spoke to a pharmacist last night and found out that migraines are caused by a lack of serotonin. So I need an adjustment to the device or go back up on the medications. This is only logical. I will contact  Dr. Riveria, and if necessary, Cyberonics to see what we can do to get relief from the headaches and a small amount of depression.
Another thing that is causing the stress is the amount of illnesses that I have had.
First the teeth and then the water in the ears thing. Since July I have had issues of the teeth and then the infection in the ears.
The teeth are healed, but I will go back to the dentist in Jan. to have the crown put on the tooth. The tooth that I am speaking of is the second one since July. It is drawn out do to healing time and money. I will need perhaps two more teeth fixed in the coming year. (It ended up being my entire set of teeth, upper and lower were filed down and capped with porcelain crown.-editor)
Doctor Rudiman, my gastro person, has seen blood work that he is concerned about and wants me in to take a CT of the liver. The liver enzymes again.We will work on this in Jan. (The antidepressants were constantly causing the liver enzymes to fluctuate.-editor)

Another antibiotic That I am Allergic To

I can't use Levofloxacin, an oral antibiotic because it it chemically similar to Cipro. Both of these antibiotics cause depression in me.

Caffine Aborts the Effect of Magnesium

Yep, that excess of caffeine in my diet is deleting the magnesium in the bloodstream that I have been taking to stop the migraine. And the caffeine causes the breasts to be estrogen sensitive and sore. So we are going to delete the caffeine slowly. For fear of caffeine headache. (But the caffeine was in diet coke, and in the end I gave that up completely, the aspartame was causing depression. Aspartame and MSG are similar in chemical make up. We all know that if you have a sensitivity to one, you are sensitive to the other. I am sensitive to MSG also. Causes what I call brain "Zooming". Just weirdness-editor)

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Magnesium Works!

The Tricor that was given to me for high cholesterol gave me intense migraines. I had ordered a book, a health book from Bottomline Books and in there it suggested to take magnesium. I stopped the Tricor and began to take the magnesium and slowly over a period of a week lessened the headaches. I will continue to take the mag every 2-3 hours at 500 mg and see what happens. Hopefully all symptoms will go. I have increased eating spinach and other greens as well. It has also sharpened my mind. I am down to only the Cymbalta and the Provigil now. I have not had to adjust the VNS since July.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Off of Paxil (Paraoxatine)

Today I have stopped the last of the Paxil. I will see what it does to me. I have also been on Tricor for the past Month. I stopped the Tricor on the 30th of Oct. I was having incredible Migraines. It is connected to headaches. I am supplementing with 500mg of magnesium 3 or 4 times a day. It has helped. But I have had a constant migraine since about the end of the first week of Oct. Intense.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Rivera Still can't find device and the "B" list starts

I called Dr Rivera on Tuesday the 14th and found out that he still has not found the device to adjust the VNS unit. It was last adjusted July 23rd. I have reduced the drugs again starting on the 15th and this time had very little problems. I stopped the restless leg syndrome drug. That drug Ropinirole (Requip), seems to be another mind drug and I would rather not start taking it and stay on it for years and years. I have had my ups and downs. But on the whole I seem better. More alert, more able to do art when coming home after working all day. I can enjoy life more.
One thing I do notice is that anger and the deepness that I experience it takes so much out of me that I almost feel sick, weak, after an episode. I will have to counter with anger management techniques. Only one person makes me that mad at the present. That is Bruno. I will just call him that. I will keep a record here of what he says and does that starts me off. After all this is part of the depression. Intense anger.
This has been going on since April 08. Luckily we do not work together much.
Last week within one hour of arriving on shift he insults me 3 times. I can only remember him calling my order instructions chicken scratch and saying he could not help me because he could not read them. So instead he stands around while I am busy and the orders are piling up. He did ring me up. And helped frame current orders. Then he said that most people don't mind waiting for me{you are soooo slow} (insinuating that it was ok for them to wait while he stood around. The third thing that he said I can't remember now).
Today he comes in early, while I am busy, doesn't offer help, just stares at me, and starts to stock the cart. It did not need stocking. Not at that time. Then he complains that it took me 15 min to glue down and frame three silhouettes. It was way more than that. five singles and a triple. And dating on eight cards.
Maybe if I write this stuff down, I can get a perspective on it and maybe learn to deal with it in a better way. (This type of anger was common when under the depression, a kind of blind OCD rumination of problems and disgruntlement-editor)

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Migraine, Again

A migraine, with quite shocking visual affects in the left eye started full blast seven days after the reduction of the medication. And has continued for, as of this date, 13 days. The dull pain in the neck has lessened, but the floaters have maintained. Although they have lessened in the amount in the visual field over the same time. But there is no depression at this time. There was some panic at 4 days after the reduction, a little of depression for 1/2 day. Then the depression ceased, but the headache continued.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Ropinirole: Compounding Migraines?

I am still having migraines, but constantly now. Dr. Karabatos has told me to stop the Ropinirole (Requip), which was prescribed to stop the restless leg problem, and see if the migraines are helped. He took my blood pressure an it was very low. Since ropinirole can make a person dizzy and faint, this might be adding to the problem. I wonder if potassium is needed. Or sodium.
I have passed the reduction of the paroxitine (Paxil). I was going into depression and the implant pulled me up at least twice these past two weeks. I seem to be getting stronger in that aspect as the days go by.
Doctor Karabatos as changed my thyroid med to .150mg Synthyroid and I will start taking it tommorrow. He has added a new cholesterol drug in hopes of bringing down the bad cholesterol. It is not generic and will cost at least 50 bucks (I expect). Dr K wants me to have a lower abdomen CT scan to check the liver. I have a high liver enzymes and perhaps the drugs are causing some sort of damage.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Lower dose without increase to VNS

Because of the storms Dr. Rivera could not increase the VNS therapy today because he could not find the device to do so. It is the size of a remote control for a TV.What with the flooding and the moving of his office furniture he has misplaced it. Had I known this I would not have gone up there to his office. It is not that I needed it this time, but I shortly will. He wants me to go down 15mg in the paroxitine (Paxil). I am having migraines that I forgot to tell him about. The migraines are not constant, and not fullblown. But I am having tense upper back soreness. I am using the massage pillow that John gave me.We will see, and I will start the lower dose tomorrow.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Storms

The recent summer storms have caused a big problem for me. Dr Rivera is in Orange City, which is about 40 miles north of here and that area was severely flooded. His office was inundated and everything was ruined. I don't know if the device that controls my happiness is damaged of not. Right now I am doing more than fine.
I am more creative in every way. I can leave old ways of thinking behind by thinking around the problem.
I have also been able to accept that I need my time. My time to create, relax, read, contact old friends. I seem to love myself more. And in that can give more to others when they need it. Things seem more OK.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Another Downturn

The last adjustment on the implant was about a month ago. Many stressful things have happened since then. The first two weeks I was feeling the tingling in the brain most of the time. (Tingling in the lower left rear quadrant of the brain has happen for many years. It now happens after prayer, singing, using traction on the neck, all releasing chemicals, perhaps serotonin-editor) Then I had a period of time that I was constantly on the move and did not have a minute to myself for about two weeks. Then the tiredness started, it lasted for two days and then the anxiety came full blown and then the depression. I will say that the depression was not as deep. This was the first time since the implant was turned on that I had a full blown episode. but at least I knew that with the implant it would decrease within hours. Knowing that really helped. I still am not totally back, but it is much better with each day. If I get stressed during the day the anxiety comes, but I can control it with my thoughts.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Off of Thoridiazine

I am at 1.25 at 2.5 hours. I have been taken off thoridiazine all together. We will wait and see what happens. Dr. Rivira said that other patients have had the same reaction to Cipro. I am going off the erytromycin today. We will see what happens. I had the root canal done two days ago. The area is still sensitive. I have pain pills just in case.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Antibiotics are Bad

It seems that the two antibiotics (erytromycin and cipro) that have been tried cause me to shift into depression. I have a new way to calm down my restless sleep. I am telling myself to sleep peacefully, to sleep deeply. This is new, so I have to test it for sometime before I know if it is working in all circumstances. (I studied hypnosis in the early 90's, meditation later, this is one technique from both disciplines. -edtior)(Antibiotics were a part of the problem, they destroyed the digestion and immunity in the system, driving me into the depression deeper and deeper. I also may have been having an allergic reaction to the drugs as well.-editor)

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Falling Out of Bed

I have run out of a medication that the doctor had given me. It is for restless leg syndrome. It helps me to not fall out of bed, and to sleep deeply and soundly. I have been rolling around and out of bed. Again. I am a walking pill factory now. But I must have something that will help me sleep soundly. Apparently it is another part of the depression. So I will get a script for it. Another possible 50.00 a month. Arrrrugh. But I need not to roll around and fall out of bed. I am still fighting this teeth thing. It has been about three weeks. Any stress brings out the depression. I will be ok, I just need to hold on for another few weeks. Weather will change. Teeth problems will go away. I will take a small vacation to Rhode Island.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Aunt Martha's health

A letter to Bonnie, my cousin. Martha, her mother has been diagnosed with bi-polar disease.
Bonnie,
I was told late last year that medications could no longer help me in my struggle with depression. So I decided, after much prayer and research to go with VNS therapy. I had been following the developing technology since 1999. This is for depression, and bi-polar problems. The original application was for epilepsy and when epileptics began to feel better more research was done. I was implanted 2/26/08 and the device was turned on two weeks later. I have been steadily improving since. There have been down times because of stressors (teeth problems) and heat (working out in it) that have effected me. But overall my medications are being decreased and I am doing much better. Thinking, motivation, being almost normal once again. The device gets better with time. Most people do not respond as rapidly as I did. But it truly has been a miracle for me. My migraines are less powerful, depression is gone most of the time. Emotions, though right below the surface, are more controllable and I can deal with everyday things more effectively. It was the quality of life that I went for. Maybe that is what we should all look for in the treatment of the mentally ill.
Now back to my comments.
The oral antibiotic Cipro through me for a loop. It increased the depression to suicidal thoughts. Once it was stopped, and the blood level decreased, the depression went away. The infection in the tooth has decreased and I feel much better overall. It still is there, but less painful. I am going to have more teeth problems and I think that knowing that that will effect the depression gives me strength to endure it. (Knowing where the depression was coming from started the come back from it.-editor)

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Restless Nights, Anxious Days

I am at 1.0 and 2.5 hours for 30 seconds. This level was set yesterday. I have been under more stress lately. Working in the heat has not helped either. Teeth problems consisting of a root canal. I am not sleeping well. Grinding of the teeth, nightmares, falling out of bed, all on the increase. The doctor put me on a restless leg syndrome drug. I took the first dose last night. No change, don't expect any until the drug increases in the blood. Floaters are back after a small decrease. I have fears of some thing flying into the car windshield and killing me. This is a new feeling. Doesn't stop me from driving. One day at a time.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

First Real Down Turn

I have been living from day to day, ever increasing the amount of activity and of course stress. And I have to say that I have been doing quite well. Instead of crashing after an early shift, I can do things, which is way cool. Until the past three days. Now on the forth day I am much better. Heat, dress codes at work, despising people's actions at work, higher gas price, medical bills, yadah yadah, yadah. One gets the picture.
I have found that my creativity level is up.Way up, migraine, much lower. Still see floaters. That maybe just a part of my vision anyway. I am still on the first level of drug reduction. So I think the whole process will take two or three years. We will be patient. (It is now 3 years later, and I am continuing to find the roots of the depression and the VNS keeps plugging along, the depression is linked to allergies, hormones, spinal maladjustment, digestive problems, immunity, toxicity as well-editor)

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Reaction from New level

My incision area started to hurt yesterday, as did the area that the lead attaches to the Vagus Nerve. The sensation lasted about half an hour and then a head ache on that side of the head. The next stimulation period the same pain, but much less, with no headache. But I am up again. More motivated to paint, sculpt, and to move about, as in yard work.
The hospital has not billed me yet and it has been since Feb. 26th. I did contact them and apparently they are resubmitting it to the insurance company and that takes about a month to six weeks to do.
Meanwhile I notice that I can think around problems better. I can see them as less threatening. I can move off the ruminating thoughts and on to other, more creative ones. I believe that it has helped in my OCD. I am not locked into certain behaviors as much.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

A new adjusted level (3)

I spoke to Tish (my sister-in-law, a pharmacist ) about the implant. And because she works with diabetics she was very interested to know about the device. I feel as if I am in limbo about my weight. I seem to be more active, but I am not motivated to exercise more. I thought I would be. I still crave carbs somewhat. I am going through a peanut butter phase.
On the 14th, just two days ago, I got the implant adjusted up again. I believe it was for .75 at 180 minutes. Dr. Rivera felt I should not take an increase in the stimulation, but continue to let the drugs decrease. He gave me the increase in the stimulation, and let the drugs continue at the same level.
My reaction was a little different. A slight bit of anxiety came, then went. Then the depression free state returned. I had more energy. I even had motivation to get things prepared to begin an oil painting. That is amazing after working out in the sun all day. (I had always been so incredibly tired that I could not even be the least bit creative or motivated to create after such a long day.-editor)

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Certain Strangeness

For the past two days I've been tremendously tired and feeling disconnected from reality.A kind of pushed to the limit, let me rest type of feeling. Am I going into depression, or is the implant going to save me? It is just that the disconnect feeling is staying around too long. I am falling back into the redundant pit with problems at work. Over and over in the brain. So much stuff. Yuck! Struggle to break free. If brain was not in this state, troubles at work would be blown off. I can see it now. Very clearly.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Return to New Normal

The day after the nightmare incident I was anxiety prone. But by the end of the day I was better, and on the 29th and now the 30th I am fine. More than fine. I went out on the 29th with Edna to the Orlando Museum of Art and I was fine, and came home tired, but not depressed. I worked on sculpture, and as aways it was a therapeutic experience. I want to get into caricature images. I feel much more motivated to do art now than before the implant. Some other things I notice are related to self improvement. The weight issue still remains. I believe that I am burning more calories since the implant, because I am eating about the same carbs and am not gaining as easily. But other things are happening. I can let go of anger now. I am less judgemental of people. I enjoy more fully the little things that happen, like birds interacting with each other, like shadows and how they take shape. Tiny things, but things all around me now interest me. This is only part of what the implant has done for me. (Enjoyment of everyday things is happening here, first time in my life I felt true joy,-editor)

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Decent Into Withdrawal

Night before last I had nightmares galore. Calling out David's name, falling out of bed and skinned knee. This only happens when there is not enough medications. Anxiety in the morning, waning in mid afternoon. I ate carbs until the anxiety felt better (wow wee zowwee on the weight). But no nightmares last night. This AM better, much so. It takes about two to three weeks for a drug to wash out of your system, so I am now feeling the effects of the first drug draw down. I am feeling a little of fibermyalgia, late yesterday, a little less today.This is the first nightmare sequence that I have had in a long time. It happened on the night of the 26th morning of the 27th.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Back Up to Snuf

Last week I was constantly tired through my days off and only started feeling alive two days after I returned to work. But at least I can say that I regained my feelings of wellness and did not go into depression. I worked 46 hours and was very busy during that time. I did have a slight feeling of anxiety, but did not go into depression. I am three weeks into reduction of thoridiazine by half down to 25 ml a day and down on paxil by one quarter from 60 to 45 ml. I feel great. Migraines are less. I am using a massage pillow on my neck, but only since two days ago. So most of the time I have been depending on the implant to help and I believe it has. I am back up to 40+ hours at work.
I called the hospital to ask where the bill was, since it has been almost two months since the procedure. They said that they have resubmitted it to Aetna and that I should get it shortly, within the next two or three weeks.
Meanwhile I have told many people about it. It seems amazing and God sent. I actually feel good.
I am trying to lessen the amount of food I intake, and I think that is coming into focus as well. I gained at first, because everything tasted so much better. Carbs just don't mean that much to me any more. I thought I would never say that. Exercise is down a bit, mostly because of more time spent at work.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Constantly Tired

The last few days I have been constantly tired, which is not as usual since the implant. So, maybe I am pushing it to much. I have taken on more hours at work and maybe to soon. We need the money after buying the car, paying off the truck and the VNS surgery deductible. It's just me, I like to have a cushion. Sleepiness again. More coffee is needed, regardless of the stomach acid. The deep depression has not returned. But the grogginess, well that is the pits.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Update on.50/180

I am now working 46 hours this week and experienced a down turn yesterday. It has been 9 days since the increase on the implant. I now am 9 days on the decrease in the medications as well. I felt the tinge of anxiety, the anger and loss of patience that usually happens when I begin to have a down turn. This morning I am groggy and sleepy, even after having 8 hours of sleep. But the depression did not come,, not yet at least. Must get more caffine. I am drinking more than 144 oz of caffine. each day, and some days can't stay awake. I am taking to caffine. again, fresh brewed.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

New setting

New setting is .50/180min. I feel the mechanism a little more when it stimulates. But I compensate by slowly breathing out. A relaxation technique I learned while studying meditation. I went back on a full work week this week and that included OT . I have a few floaters in the eyes. No migraine yet. The symptoms of the oncoming migraine are still there, but the migraine has not come. The muscles in the upper back have not been barthering me so much. Not tensed as much. Mood is very good. Weight down just one pound.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Second Visit to Riveria's Office

The implant was changed to .5mhz /180 min. This means for 30 seconds the VNS device stimulted at .5mhz and then was not stimulating for 180 minutes. (eiditor). And the medications are starting to come down. First the weakest, thoridiazine and paxil. From 50mg thoridiazine to 25mg. Paxil from 60 to 45mg. So we shall see. I went 1/2 a day without the provigal and made it through, just fine.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Happiness Remains.

I am still up and more even in moods. I am not as up as the first week, but not as down as the second. Emotions are more controlled and not out of line. Crying is not as frequent. I let things go more readily, and am more hopeful about things. Every day I measure small things to see if things have changed, even minutely. Sometimes, most times now,  things are positive.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Still up

The intensity of the senses after the implantation of the device is telling here. (editing addition)Still up and eating my weight in to diabetes. Just everything tastes so good now. And when I get finished eating I feel so good physically, but guilty for eating like a horse. I will have to be more disciplined with myself.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Things Much better

I feel much better, less tense, mood is up, migraine lights ring my vision. Maybe I am bipolar? Or maybe stuff just over loads me and I go down about every 7-10 days? I am back up and am singing and concentration is better. It seems to come over me once every 7 to 10 days and it has been doing this for years.
My goal is to limit my sleep to just what ever I get at night. Eliminate the nap.I know that it is a small goal, but I have done it before and feel I can do it now eventually .
I am constantly battling the depression and the OCD, and would like to break out of the mold and start thinking of others more. But I am in so much pain mentally. It has been better since the implant. The way I like to describe the pain is what one feels when one has a romantic break up, but multiplied about 100 times. Or what one feels when one can't remember a happy moment, ever.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Depression Returns

Depression hit me strong yesterday, almost, but not quite to the crying stage. I am better today, still having floaters in the eyes. I want to use the massage pillow, but I do not know if having an electronic field that close to the area ( my upper back) would bode well for the implant.
As for thoughts of depressive things, they have backed off. OCD has backed off. Teeth hurt, must be clenching my jaws in my sleep. I have bumped up the provigil to 300 mg every day, along with my other medications.(Cymbalta 120, generic paxil at 60, thyrodiazine at 50 mg) Right now I am having naps of only light sleep. but I sleep normally at night. To me this is good news.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

The Meaning of Quality

I am noticing a better quality of memory. I can remember song verses better when I sing along with the radio. I eat more because the food tastes better. I smell all things more. More intensely. I hear things differently, louder, so loud that it almost hurts. I am sleeping more deeply than at the first. But naps are at times short, shorter than in the past. At least most of them. Still have floaters in the eyes and lights on the visual edge. Noticing the breeze and temperature more. Laughing deeper, loving deeper.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Dreams

I am having a dream life that I have never had before. Just weird stuff, some nightmares, some just working stuff out. But so many of them. And I am sleeping throughout the night now.
I am very happy at work, singing along with the nearby music, even dancing to it. I have never been this happy, consistently. Migraines are still here. The silent ones, with the floaters. The visual stuff seems worse in the mornings. No big splitting headaches.
I want to exercise all the time, to move my limbs in time with nearby music. To sing to it. It is joyous.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Post Turn On of VNS

It is now day four.The first day I was exhausted and I slept quiet well. The next night I slept only 5 hours and last night I slept with nightmares. I was moaning in my sleep and my husband woke me but then I went straight back to sleep and slept until eight AM. So the sleep pattern is already back.
I have more energy and more motivation already. Migraines about the same.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

The implant is On!

I now have a new psychiarst, Dr. Riveria, in Orange City, FL (editor). The implant can be set at many different levels and times between stimulations my settings are now.25 at 30 seconds on and 180 minutes off.
I held the control device directly on my chest above the chest incision. When the doctor turned on the device it felt as if someone was pinching my breathing tube shut. Then it released. The doctor set the device at the above settings.
I felt it working in that it would produce a strange feeling in my throat and then go away.
Results: Sleepiness. More than usual. But it could be from the anticipation and the lead up emotions. Don't know. Will see if the sleepiness continues. I guess I will be having more coffee than usual.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Bandages off today

The waterproof bandages the doctor applied on the day of surgery have worked fairly well.The incision on the neck is hard to deal with because that one moves the most.  I have two incisions, one on the chest, under the collar bone, and one on the neck. It is irritated with the seatbelt, collars, and every turn of the head. The throat was sore for a few days and is at times, ten days later, still tender. The incision in the chest was way easier to handle, although the left pectoral muscle was sore the first five or so days.
I have been taking more of each antidepressant. Since I have four medications I take five extra of each and put them in a separate pile and out of that pile I choose a med and take one extra dose every day. I do best on the extra dose of Provigil. But when I change back to the generic paxil I really do well for about four days, then back to cymbalta for four-five days. And so on. This is not a good way to handle the problem, but I was going into depression and was seriously thinking about staying home from work to lay in bed all day long, and that would not work.
At the present time migraines are everyday, silent at first with the vision disrupted, and then if not medicated it goes full blown. Thankfully I only need OTC stuff.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Next Appointment is post-op

The next time I see the surgeon is next week on Thursday. That will be for removal of the bandages and wound inspection.I can see my progress now almost hourly. However I contracted a cold while there. So I am coughing up stuff already. Maybe a trip to Dr Karabatos for antibiotics will be in order. Lots of Vitamin C perhaps.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

It's done!

We rode north 50 miles in the relatively traffic free pre-dawn hours of the 26th of Feb.
It only took an hour and the weather was great.
They put me under general anesthesia and I slept on whilest they cut me. I woke up in the recovery room with David right beside me.
Soreness in the upper left chest, a sore throat, real pain when I was lifting myself out of a sitting position. Slept most of the day, and woke up every two hours throughout the night.
the implant of the device was right under the collar bone and the wire that connects the device to the Vagus nerve snakes up the left side of my neck and wraps itself around the nerve about half way up the neck.
The nerve will be stimulated for a few seconds then off for some time. But that can vary, as the doctor adjusts the implant to meet my needs.
At last it is done, now on with the rest of the drama.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Medication failure, again

I can't believe I am going through this again. I am on all this medication and I still have this urge to cry. I pull my thoughts together and made myself remember the happiness that I experienced while I was in California for my 30 anniversary, made myself remember last week when I was on that road trip to Deland. The urge subsided somewhat. But what caused it? Just everyday life stresses. I am trying, without much success, to get a handle on it. Menopause is almost over, but then again it might only be about half way through.
Just about up to here with it all.
Crying has become a common reaction, on a weekly basis, to just everyday life. I always have a feeling of I am not doing enough to warrant me relaxing. It is a Catch 22. I have to realize that I can, with the mental capacity that I have, only do so much. And that what ever I do it has to be enough. Period. No more judgements on that part.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Lapse in Cymbalta

The latest headline in the tumultuous life of the medicated. With silent wavering the mind continues to withdrawal from the one of the two leaders of the drug cocktail that I daily consume. I am coming off of Cymbalta at this time. Awaiting the turn on of the implant.  Dizziness, odd sensations of reality shifts, I mean can I really read peoples minds? Sometimes I believe I can, most of the time the information from what I believe is mindreading is picked up from the minute things said or done by the person I am "mindreading". I think that's it.
I am now having silent migraines on a daily basis, floaters and visual outages, sensitivity to noise. And the need for caffeine is beyond huge.
Still trying to lose some weight, and the different levels of the drugs sometimes speeds up the metabolism. I don't know how else to explain it. Cram peanut butter down my food hole and I should fear revenge from the fat god. But I survive that assault and I continue to bloat my way through life. On a happy note from the instrument that is my life the implant is reported to help food cravings to stop. Heh, heh, we'll see.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Now I wait

I am waiting now for the surgery to occur. The pre-op is about two weeks before surgery. I editing the blog I found nothing under this title. Still going into depressions.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Great Day

I left early in the morning yesterday for the road trip that turned into a great day.
The people at the hospital were kind, and chatty to boot. I was allowed to see the doctor before my time because I was only touching base with him. He talked to me for about five minutes and they charged me the co-pay of 50.00. Maybe he, by standards, has to see me again just to "nail things together".(Or to collect another fee?)
Changed my time to have the procedure to 6 am. I begged for a more saner time, but they said no.
The tech that drew my blood and pre-admitted me said that some how the VNS slows things down. I will ask Cheryl about this. I want to know a little more of what to expect, and how it will work. I know know the basics, but I am always exhausted and I don't need to slow things down any more. We will see.
Also Cheryl said that ECT  (ElectroConvulsive Therapy) can be used after the implant, if needed. The unit must be turned off while the electricity is surging through the brain. I really don't want ECT.
Dr Figueroa said I would (could) lose creativity if I used ECT. Now, as an artist I don't want to go down that path, but if it would give some kind of happiness, then if this doesn't work, I will consider ECT.
I think that David, my beloved husband, is afraid that the ECT will totally change my personality. Could possibly. So could VNS, but maybe to the good? Haven't heard about changing personality to the negative in any support information that has been given to me (or found on the internet).We will see.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

The Non Communication

The non communication between the surgical and the operational part of this setup is now starting. I paid 894.00 to the surgeon yesterday. Insurance deductible. Now the hospital thinks they are to get this amount. And of course, I can't speak to a person directly, only through messages. So a message was left. Now I wait.
Writing about it as it happens seems to help the frustration.

Dr. Corbyons Appointment Nurse, Pam

Pam has given me the skinny. She said that she forgot to write it down in the book that we had changed it. She said that she would take care of it. I gave her my credit card number and she will hand it off to the billing person.
Next step is a one o'clock appointment for out patient pre-op, then another appointment at the surgeon's office at 3:30. Since I had to wait for ever the last time I saw him, I will take a book and artwork to keep me busy. This doctor has no concept of other people's time. Period.
Now I will look up how to get to the hospital (Deland, FL) and to the outpatient area at the hospital.
Extreme fatigue and drowsiness.  One eye on the computer,  the other eye closes in a state of fatigue.

Scheduling screw-up

There has been some kind of scheduling mishap with the surgeons office and I am endeavoring to straighten it out. Called them this morning and got put into the voice mail system. So hurry up and wait.
Medication failure yesterday. No motivation to do anything. Slept for 3 hours. Ate nothing but cereals and cookies and chocolate. What a bummer to the diet. Today I will have another go at it.
I believe that the job itself is very stressful. Noise beyond belief, crying babies, fireworks all combine to make it very loud and aggravating. Distractions and interruptions as well. Over the years I have tried to develop a tolerance for the situation, but it has not worked and I need to address this problem. I think that the situation would be nearly the same in any other job. Different place for work, different stressors would emerge and I would have that environment to deal with.
Maybe after the implant I will see things a bit differently, don't know, and really don't expect it.

Information mix up

I returned the call from Corbyon and there is a mix up with the scheduling of the pre-op. Also I will need to pay the deductable of 892.86 before pre-op. The person I was talking to, Pam, was off this week. So I will follow through with her on Monday, up coming. Keeping one person as your link to a problem has always helped me in the past.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

A call in the night

Got home last night to find the doctor's number on the voice mail. Dr. Corbyon. And a call from Cheryl. I have everything set up, but there might be a hitch some where. So today I will call.
Taking more of the medications has helped immensely but I know it will be at a cost later on. At least the thoughts of bloody knives and car accidents have stopped. Migraines are still here daily. I have stopped crying on a daily basis.
I listened to the support call on this past Tuesday. I have gained some hope.
Another thing that helps me is that I tell myself stories that I make up on the spot. I do this on the ride home from work. Stories of adventure, sci-fi, fantasy. Some are stories that mirror what is going on in my life. Some are pure fantasy. It diverts the mind, enhances the creative mind and in so doing releases serotonin. By the time I get home, I feel great. This is while I am on four meds. I can imagine what it would like without the meds. No thoughts other than horror scenes and terror screams.
I think the provigil is doing a stress number on my heart. I seem to have a little pain that I can not explain right over that area since I upped the dosage.
My upper back is in stress, all knotted up. I know that the meds help control the level of stress that I feel in the body and they control the fibermyalgia that I have because of the depression, but why, on a higher dose are the knots in the back not controlled?
I still have food cravings as well. Junk food rules, starchy, salty, anything goes.
At least I am not at the chocolate stage. When nothing helps but chocolate, God help me. Chocolate triggers, I believe, serotonin, or one of the amino acids that makes up what I need in the brain. but by the time that strikes me I am pretty low.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Support Group conference call

I dialed in to the support line at Cyberonics and now I have questions that I did not have before. Do I have to come off of the drugs before hand? because that is impossible. But it also gave me hope as well.
The interviewee was questioned very well, and I think the questions that I have can be answered by Cheryl.
I am still taking the drugs in a rather haphazzard kind of way. Just to get through until I see Dr. Rivera, the guy in Orange City.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Dr. Rivera

Finally, I have a doctor to see after the implantation. Now I will quiz the mapquest site and see where he is located. He will be a road trip away, and maybe I can use the trips to snag a few photos. You know, old houses, colorful flowers that sort of thing. So the week ends well. On to the next step.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

No, we don't take that insurance

Why would a company,in this case, Aetna, approve a procedure and not have a doctor in the area to follow through. I guess that is the way of things. Just because it is approved, does not mean the doctors in the area care to get certified to do it. So I may have the implant but not have the doctor to adjust it. Right now I have given my insurance information to a doctor in Orange City. That is about 30 miles north of here.
In reality,if I go even once a month, big deal. I go 48 round trip miles to work 5 days a week. I am glad that I thought to try to set up this follow up visit now. The information that I got from Cyberonics as to which doctor to call was old and out dated. The office help did not even know what VNS therapy was, or if they did they would not take the insurance that I have. O.K. time to roll up the ol' sleeves and, like a pitbull, hold on tight. That means if I have to educate, plead and beg, I will.
I must take that tack for now. Yesterday I melted to tears after four negative phone calls. Dr Fig will not get certified, so he's out. In a way good. Start anew.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Finding a doctor

Cheryl at Cyberonics is an angel. Every number I called this AM led down to a dead end, wrong number, can't take your type of insurance. At first I told myself, what's the use to have a procedure done and the only doctor to deal with it is in Daytona? almost 45 miles away? By the forth or fifth negative ending call, I was in tears. So when it comes to dead ends I turn to Cheryl. She said she will try again. May be a neurologist will do the dosing, and I can stay with Dr. Fig. I don't like it, but for the start it could be done.
There is another thing that I have been doing. Knowing that doctor Fig decided that He would not prescribe any more drugs, and I was still going into depression, I decided to
take more of what I have. I know that this will possibly harm the liver, and make me run out sooner than I should. But I can refill my scripts on the fifth day before they are empty. This gives me more meds. I can only take 1/2 a dose of any that i take, and that will help me get through. I don't want to do that, but I don't want to slip into the depression.
I think it maybe time to look elsewhere for a doctor. I think Dr. Fig doesn't know what the hell to do for me.
I am having constant migraines now. Taking OTC med for that. but Migraines can be helped by the implant.
I will wait and pray. but the prayer thing, well, I don't know about it. I still do it,and we will see.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Caroline at Aetna Behavior Health

A bubbly voice who's owner's name is Caroline called and left her number. After four return calls I wonder if the bubbly is in her head. She has left the line dangling. I am proceeding as if all is cool. I called Dr. Fig and told him that I had to go up to 150ml of the drug Cymbalta. He said that I could not do that and to return to the 120ml level. I asked what I should do once the depression returns. He said I would have my ups and downs. I am fed up with a doctor that has never had depression before. down means images of bloody knives, accidents, relatives dying, anger, irritability, floods of tears and much concern over sanity. So I upped the dosage of another drug. Just a wee bit. I can hide it better. Yes this is not right. But when is the desire for sanity not right. Possible liver damage. But relief from the bizarre thoughts and the crushing"brain hurt".
Brain hurt is a term that I've come to use to describe the get me outta here, this is insane, @#$%& it's here again feeling. It's much more than the last sentence can describe. It's hopelessness that nothing can do anything for me, it is anger that people close to me can not see it. They see me after the tears are dry, once a week for an hour or two. Yes, I can hide it too. Specially to people who don't want to hear about it anyway. I take more medications, and the pit moves away, for a little while.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

I Awaits

I called Corbyons office to see if they could combine the pre op visits so I did not have to drive 88 miles and spend 5 hours three different times. No response yet.
Aetna has called me and left a message, I will return the call today.
I was on the web to see what else the VNS implant could do. I ofcourse have done this before and I am convinced that this is the way to go.
Voice mail tag.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

The call from Jennifer Bette

We finally made contact with each other.It has been fully one month since I made contact with the hospital to ask the question of how much. She said that the surgery would be 5000, but she had a few more costs to nail down. This is a way for her not to be pinned down to the figure of 5000.
Maybe I'm wrong. But for it to take this long to get a price, and that price not really complete, well, can we say that she knows I have to go through her hospital to get it through insurance so she has me hooked anyway. Boy what great customer service.
I called Dr. Corbyon's office to schedule the next appointment. This means a road trip on Feb. 14th for another consult and then the surgery on the 26th of that same month.
The cocktail of drugs that I am on just barely keeps me going. Wanting to cry sometimes, for no reason, seeing in my thoughts a paring knife slitting my arm and blood, are just some of the thoughts. I also dwell on family members dying. And what if senarios that drive me nuts. I back off and mentally know that I can't live like that. What happens, happens. It's the blood and crying, and the wanting to run away from it all that gets me.
I know I have it good. On the outside. Good family, and work, and friends. On the inside I go through the blood, the desparate scenes of devastation, and the loss of hope for any change. The lag time for a return call and information on the price is just typical of how the drugs treat me. They lag and come up short when under stress. So I have to try to eliminate as much stress as possible. This is hard, because everything is a stressor of some sort.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Another contact

Jennifer Bette called me today and stated that the out of pocket expense would be about 5000 dollars and there were some other costs that she has to nail down. There would be at least 1000 dollars in deductible to pay as well. for me anything under 10000 would be a go. Of course, the less the better. So it took a month to get this information. And it came with a stipulation that there are a few more costs as yet unknown. I swear that I almost went to the newspaper and was going to let them know that the hospital staff was uncooperative, and ineffective at best. We shall see.
I called Cheryl and let her know that Jennifer finally called and thanked her for help. We still have to get through the implantation and activation of the device.
Dr. Corbyons appointment is for 2/14/08. He will at that time go over a few more things, and then we will set the appointment for the procedure. I am not so sure about why this appointment is necessary, we will see.
I am trying to realize that this procedure will not be a panacea for the thought patterns that persist. I have OCD thoughts, thoughts of terrible sins for which I will be rejected from heaven(?) Just plain stupid continuous thoughts, but they are not there when I am up. So I know somehow that they are connected. Whether it is caused by lack of serotonin or one of the other nerotransmitters, OCD thoughts are insidious and just a part of the condition.
Also memory is impaired. I can write to someone on one day and completely forget about it just the next day. This happens everyday all day long with just about everything in my life. Perhaps this procedure will help the memories come back.
I can see a movie and not remember any of it just a few weeks afterwords. Maybe this is common when the movie is a dud. But this happens almost with every thing I engage in.
Self esteem has always been a problem, and now at 52 it seems that I have developed a compassionate inner voice that is at times small, but it is growing. this is important, for if you can not accept that your mind, your mental part is deffective your self esteem falters. And you crumble. People on the outside can not see that you are incompassitated, for physically you are whole. So there can't be anything wrong with you. If you appear "up" in your dealings with people it doesn't matter that you
are on 5 different medications just to get along,so that you can work, and not cry and not dwell on suicidal thoughts all the time.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

What is the problem?

This is getting ridiculous! and I am about ready to give up. But I won't. It has now been one month since I have seen the specialist in Deland. I can't get any information from the hospital as to the cost of the procedure. What I would like to do is contact a reporter, or other media person and see if they can mention the problem in print or in video.
Is this the result of no one caring for the little gal, the person that can't do much to call attention to the problem? It is time to apply myself. I doubt that I can do anything because if I want the procedure I have to go to them. Is there some kind of state regulation protecting the consumer? I would like to find out. Is it the fact that if they come out with a price that they can not tack on more costs later? What is the problem?

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Finally, contacted!

Jennifer Bette and I connected and she is working up a price. I can pull about 15000 dollars together, but I do not want them to know just how much. Jennifer said that the price she will give me will include the discount that the hospital has negotiated with the insurance. Even if I give them a lump sum they will not cut the price any more. I will want to call Dr. Corbyons soon, after I get the amount from Jennifer. At that time I will schedule the proceedure, ask for time off and time off for David. He will need to be with me in the fact that I can not drive home, and we usually take a winter vacation at this time anyways.
If we can't take a full week, then anytime together will help. Gad! 44 miles and all day to see the doctor. No doctor closer.

(I found a closer doctor later.-editor)

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

The billing supervisor

Ann called me at work and let me know to watch out for a call from a woman by the name of J. Bette. I did not catch her first name. This was on Friday the fourth of January. Ann said that she would follow up to see if this person calls me.
It gives me hope to have someone help me "run the rapids". This hospital seems to be the huge giant and I the small ant. It indeed seems that way. I don't want a huge debt after this operation. Making the decision to fund this from my retirement fund is chancey enough. It don't need a bill every month draining my peace of mind and my savings. Maybe if we can find a price and offer full up front payment I could get a better deal. We shall see.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Getting through the Holidays

It has been a stressful two or three weeks. Mom went into the hospital because she did not feel right. Good thing too, for she found out that she has a problem in her kidneys and the veins in her neck are too narrow for good health. She would not have found this had she just gone to the doctor. So, it was a stressful new year. She is back home today.
Now the billing supervisor for the Deland branch of the Florida Hospital still has not called back. It has been two weeks. Ann Stefurak, the regional Cyberonics person has called me today and left a message. I called back and told her the story, once again, about no information from the Hospital.
I am having problems getting my Cymbalta. Usually the doctors office has had it when needed, but not this time, so I requested a scrip for the med. I must have it or in two days time I probably can't work. I feel crippled by the need for this med, but I can not do without the stability that it gives me. That is the life I lead, and I feel if I make to much of it, the people around me feel that my problem is self administered. That if I were strong enough that I could just make myself stop crying, make my depression go away. I get that feeling from that lack of concern that prevades the relationships around me. Perhaps that part is all in my mind. Don't know for sure. Maybe the meds, when they work, allow me to be very near to normal, and in so doing the seriousness of the problem is not readily seen. But long term kidney and liver function is in question and the quality of life is not there.
Hey the medical office of Dr. Fig has just called, and the Cymbalta is waiting for me. The drama continues.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com