I am still up and more even in moods. I am not as up as the first week, but not as down as the second. Emotions are more controlled and not out of line. Crying is not as frequent. I let things go more readily, and am more hopeful about things. Every day I measure small things to see if things have changed, even minutely. Sometimes, most times now, things are positive.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Still up
The intensity of the senses after the implantation of the device is telling here. (editing addition)Still up and eating my weight in to diabetes. Just everything tastes so good now. And when I get finished eating I feel so good physically, but guilty for eating like a horse. I will have to be more disciplined with myself.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Things Much better
I feel much better, less tense, mood is up, migraine lights ring my vision. Maybe I am bipolar? Or maybe stuff just over loads me and I go down about every 7-10 days? I am back up and am singing and concentration is better. It seems to come over me once every 7 to 10 days and it has been doing this for years.
My goal is to limit my sleep to just what ever I get at night. Eliminate the nap.I know that it is a small goal, but I have done it before and feel I can do it now eventually .
I am constantly battling the depression and the OCD, and would like to break out of the mold and start thinking of others more. But I am in so much pain mentally. It has been better since the implant. The way I like to describe the pain is what one feels when one has a romantic break up, but multiplied about 100 times. Or what one feels when one can't remember a happy moment, ever.
My goal is to limit my sleep to just what ever I get at night. Eliminate the nap.I know that it is a small goal, but I have done it before and feel I can do it now eventually .
I am constantly battling the depression and the OCD, and would like to break out of the mold and start thinking of others more. But I am in so much pain mentally. It has been better since the implant. The way I like to describe the pain is what one feels when one has a romantic break up, but multiplied about 100 times. Or what one feels when one can't remember a happy moment, ever.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Depression Returns
Depression hit me strong yesterday, almost, but not quite to the crying stage. I am better today, still having floaters in the eyes. I want to use the massage pillow, but I do not know if having an electronic field that close to the area ( my upper back) would bode well for the implant.
As for thoughts of depressive things, they have backed off. OCD has backed off. Teeth hurt, must be clenching my jaws in my sleep. I have bumped up the provigil to 300 mg every day, along with my other medications.(Cymbalta 120, generic paxil at 60, thyrodiazine at 50 mg) Right now I am having naps of only light sleep. but I sleep normally at night. To me this is good news.
As for thoughts of depressive things, they have backed off. OCD has backed off. Teeth hurt, must be clenching my jaws in my sleep. I have bumped up the provigil to 300 mg every day, along with my other medications.(Cymbalta 120, generic paxil at 60, thyrodiazine at 50 mg) Right now I am having naps of only light sleep. but I sleep normally at night. To me this is good news.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
The Meaning of Quality
I am noticing a better quality of memory. I can remember song verses better when I sing along with the radio. I eat more because the food tastes better. I smell all things more. More intensely. I hear things differently, louder, so loud that it almost hurts. I am sleeping more deeply than at the first. But naps are at times short, shorter than in the past. At least most of them. Still have floaters in the eyes and lights on the visual edge. Noticing the breeze and temperature more. Laughing deeper, loving deeper.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Dreams
I am having a dream life that I have never had before. Just weird stuff, some nightmares, some just working stuff out. But so many of them. And I am sleeping throughout the night now.
I am very happy at work, singing along with the nearby music, even dancing to it. I have never been this happy, consistently. Migraines are still here. The silent ones, with the floaters. The visual stuff seems worse in the mornings. No big splitting headaches.
I want to exercise all the time, to move my limbs in time with nearby music. To sing to it. It is joyous.
I am very happy at work, singing along with the nearby music, even dancing to it. I have never been this happy, consistently. Migraines are still here. The silent ones, with the floaters. The visual stuff seems worse in the mornings. No big splitting headaches.
I want to exercise all the time, to move my limbs in time with nearby music. To sing to it. It is joyous.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Post Turn On of VNS
It is now day four.The first day I was exhausted and I slept quiet well. The next night I slept only 5 hours and last night I slept with nightmares. I was moaning in my sleep and my husband woke me but then I went straight back to sleep and slept until eight AM. So the sleep pattern is already back.
I have more energy and more motivation already. Migraines about the same.
I have more energy and more motivation already. Migraines about the same.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
The implant is On!
I now have a new psychiarst, Dr. Riveria, in Orange City, FL (editor). The implant can be set at many different levels and times between stimulations my settings are now.25 at 30 seconds on and 180 minutes off.
I held the control device directly on my chest above the chest incision. When the doctor turned on the device it felt as if someone was pinching my breathing tube shut. Then it released. The doctor set the device at the above settings.
I felt it working in that it would produce a strange feeling in my throat and then go away.
Results: Sleepiness. More than usual. But it could be from the anticipation and the lead up emotions. Don't know. Will see if the sleepiness continues. I guess I will be having more coffee than usual.
I held the control device directly on my chest above the chest incision. When the doctor turned on the device it felt as if someone was pinching my breathing tube shut. Then it released. The doctor set the device at the above settings.
I felt it working in that it would produce a strange feeling in my throat and then go away.
Results: Sleepiness. More than usual. But it could be from the anticipation and the lead up emotions. Don't know. Will see if the sleepiness continues. I guess I will be having more coffee than usual.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Bandages off today
The waterproof bandages the doctor applied on the day of surgery have worked fairly well.The incision on the neck is hard to deal with because that one moves the most. I have two incisions, one on the chest, under the collar bone, and one on the neck. It is irritated with the seatbelt, collars, and every turn of the head. The throat was sore for a few days and is at times, ten days later, still tender. The incision in the chest was way easier to handle, although the left pectoral muscle was sore the first five or so days.
I have been taking more of each antidepressant. Since I have four medications I take five extra of each and put them in a separate pile and out of that pile I choose a med and take one extra dose every day. I do best on the extra dose of Provigil. But when I change back to the generic paxil I really do well for about four days, then back to cymbalta for four-five days. And so on. This is not a good way to handle the problem, but I was going into depression and was seriously thinking about staying home from work to lay in bed all day long, and that would not work.
At the present time migraines are everyday, silent at first with the vision disrupted, and then if not medicated it goes full blown. Thankfully I only need OTC stuff.
I have been taking more of each antidepressant. Since I have four medications I take five extra of each and put them in a separate pile and out of that pile I choose a med and take one extra dose every day. I do best on the extra dose of Provigil. But when I change back to the generic paxil I really do well for about four days, then back to cymbalta for four-five days. And so on. This is not a good way to handle the problem, but I was going into depression and was seriously thinking about staying home from work to lay in bed all day long, and that would not work.
At the present time migraines are everyday, silent at first with the vision disrupted, and then if not medicated it goes full blown. Thankfully I only need OTC stuff.
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