Saavedra Notes

I seem to be having severe allergy problems. I have been tracking food sensitivities for almost two years. I had a test in Sept. and am allergic to many things, most I have already eliminated. A lot of the depression has gone. Then I  read a book written by Doris Rapp, Brain Allergies: Is this your child.  Everything fit into place. Finally I began to put many things happening to me together.

When under the exposure these are the symptoms

loss of balance, the ears fill up with liquid

    loss of spacial judgements, knocking things over easily, missing turns in car, running over curbs

    typing becomes difficult and slow

itchy skin all over

post nasal drip

blurry eyes

gas

constipation

mental stuff starts happening

loss of concentration

short term memory loss

irritation

anxiety,

depression

Once I cover my nose and mouth with a clean cloth and breathe for about 25 minutes, not talking, not eating, all symptoms are lessened. Even the depression.

Now I have already put an air purifier and de-humidifier in my bedroom, and that has helped greatly for sleep. I used to wake up in severe depression and could not figure out why.

I have started on the generic OTC antihistamines for Zyrtec and Allerga.  Went to get a shot of steroid on last Tuesday, and it helped for about two days. They said it would last for one week Now I am on 5 mg of Prednisone. It barely helps. Right now I have to be outside for the job. So I take a lot of breathing breaks. I am taking the OTC Allerga and Prednisone together. It barely helps, even in the house (out of the bedroom with the de-humidifer and purifier).

My questions

I believe it is mold.  The symptoms are severe in rainy weather.  Even in overcast weather. What other type of thing could it be?

Current medications:

antihistamines:

levocetirizine 5mg per day

Singulair 10 mg per day

Wal-trin  10 mg per day

Other:

Xanax .25 When needed

Abilify 25 mg for two days 11/29-30, started @2.5 on 11/7/11

lexapro 5 mg per day 

  Supplements

      Vit C, up to 10,000 mg daily

      Vit B 5, 2000 mcg daily

      Vit B 12 , 5000 mcg daily

      Vit D up to 10,000 IU daily

      Lysine, 4,800 mg daily

      Dindolylmethane (DIM) , 200 mg daily

      liquid Vit supplement

      fish oil 2000 IU daily

     

 Diet :

     No fried foods, no sodas, I drink, White teas, herbals water sweetened with Stevia

     95% of foods prepared at home.

     oils, fats are not hydrogenated.

     95% of foods are eaten raw

     proteins are from beans, flaxseeds,

Thought Bubbles: Rejoice Today? you Bet!

Rejoice Today!In this small prayer study that I read I ran into something most inspiring to day. It had to to with several Bible verses. I think that you would like to know about when just faced with the wall of fear, overwhelming depression and chaos:

He is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble Psalm 46:1

His is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer Psalm 18:2

a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head Psalm 3:3

fullness of joy Psalm 16:11

faithful in all His words and kind in all His works Psalm 145:13

merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness Psalm 86:15

my light and salvation Psalm 27:1

So when the fear, chaos and blind terror that is depression and anxiety keep the above in mind, sister and brothers! We will win!

Amen!

New recipe for chicken Pot Pie

In order to try to maintain a healthy diet I want to try new recipes. Because I am allergic to so many things at this time some things in the recipes must be substituted  and may change the texture a bit. but that doesn't matter. It is different! I have not tried this yet, but it should work. I am trying to find substitutes that would do well in the recipes, and would not take away from the textures the original foods would offer.

From Betty Crocker:

 

2

tablespoons olive or vegetable oil

1 1/4

lb boneless skinless chicken breasts, cut into bite-size strips(maybe substitute more kidney beans, less chicken)

1

medium red onion, chopped (about 1 1/4 cups)

2

small zucchini, cut in half lengthwise, then cut crosswise into slices (about 2 1/3 cups)

2

cloves garlic, finely chopped

2

teaspoons chili powder

1 1/2

teaspoons dried oregano leaves

1/2

teaspoon salt

1

can (14.5 oz) diced tomatoes, undrained

1/2

cup plain yogurt ( I can't have yogurt, so maybe tapioca starch)

2

tablespoons all-purpose flour (garbanzo flour)

1

box Pillsbury® refrigerated pie crusts, softened as directed on box (millet flour based dough)

1Heat oven to 400°F. In 12-inch nonstick skillet, heat 1 tablespoon of the oil over medium-high heat. Add chicken; cook about 8 minutes, stirring occasionally, until no longer pink in center. Remove chicken from skillet.

2Heat remaining 1 tablespoon oil in skillet. Add onion and zucchini; cook and stir about 6 minutes or until zucchini is crisp-tender. Return chicken to skillet (discard chicken juices). Stir in garlic, chili powder, oregano and salt. Cook and stir 2 minutes. Stir in tomatoes; cook until thoroughly heated. Remove from heat.

3In small bowl, beat yogurt and flour with wire whisk until blended; stir into chicken mixture. Spoon into ungreased 9-inch glass pie plate.

4Unroll pie crust over hot chicken mixture. Fold excess crust under and press to form thick crust edge; flute. Cut slits in several places in crust. Place pie plate on cookie sheet with sides.

5Bake 25 to 30 minutes or until crust is golden brown (sauce may bubble slightly over crust). Let stand 5 minutes before serving.

The Reality of the Thing.....

As I lay in bed yesterday afternoon in terror of another panic attack a unique thought occurred to me.
The words "The Reality of  the thing is......" popped into my head. I began to I began to challenge the automatic negative thought (ANTs) patterns with the present. With the present. Not only with positive affirmations that I learned about in the PHP (partial hospital program) that was the therapy part of what I call the "lock up" noted in the blog earlier, but what was happening right then. Thought watching, cognitive thought watching. It worked. Calmed anxiety, brought back an amount of sanity that was just enough to build on.


I went out to Disney to visit my husband as he worked and we watched and fed the squirrels that are his buddies as he works. I am sleeping strange hours now, writing in the very early hours of the mornings, listening to Z88.3 Christian Radio, or yesterday, Warner Brother cartoons. So, I try to go an be with hubby when I can. Miraculously after all of this my husband of 34 years loves me still. We live for each other and crave each other. Thank God for that. A tear slips down from the right eye. He sleeps in the other room because of my strange sleep patterns. 


That is the REALITY OF THE THING......

upped Abilify this morning

Called K and told him I am almost sucidial. upped med to 25 mg.

Call to Cyberonics

A couple of days ago I recalled Cyberonics to get more information on MRIs. They said that they would have to speak to the tech personally just before the procedure to discuss the shielding that would be necessary to protect the device and me, the implanted patient.
I also asked what it does to metabolism and they said that they had no information on that. I personally think that they can not comment on that because the FDA has strict rules on what a company can claim that their device can or can not do until the device is tested for that purpose. But I have heard through the Internet that it has the same effect on others and that some people may have it implanted for the purpose of weight loss. Think about that. A device that would let you eat anything and still lose weight, but this time not quackery. For that is what it is doing for me. And the other benefit is to lessen the depression.

Hey Cartoons to the Rescue!

Feeling down in  dumps? After giving some thoughts to the advice of a friend to change my thought patterns and that that would help. I started noticing how many negative thoughts I was having upon awakening. Sure enough, as I counted it seemed that if I wanted the positive thoughts to win out in this game I had better bring in some help. Usually it is the Bible. Today it was Tweety Bird, the Warner Brothers little bird.

Laughter of any kind brings on serotonin. Cartoons are so short and can played over and over and one not get that tired of them. Purpose is to laugh long and hardy in the morning. More ideas

Road Runner

Porky Pig

Bugs Bunny

You get the idea. Just laugh, on purpose. It is healing.

MRI Is Being Discussed

After all these years, Therapist Sheldon is suggesting an MRI. Since the VNS is super sensitive to the magnetic fields that this test would put out, I called Cyberonics who makes the device and discussed, in limited terms what, and how that could be done.  They stated that they needed to talk directly to the MRI tech so that the machine set correctly and the shielding could be done correctly. If it is not, it could ruin the device and hurt me. But I have faith that they have done these types of things before with other implanted electrical devices.

I also asked about the increased metabolism that has almost plagued me since implantation. Early on, it was great, for I had so much of the wrong foods in my system that the device would just stimulate and I would not feel it so much, but as I cleaned the body out, it became more painful, and worked on the metabolism so much the more. It keeps me up at night and keeps me eating constantly. I want to turn the device down, but fear to do so for the depression, which is only reduced, not banished, may return full force.

These are Janet’s other sites:

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Mobil blogging-Sweet!: Coordination

I have not tried this before! This mobile thing.

I will have to start letting Doctors know a bit more about what is happening to me. I have always separated the doctors out and kept the weird symptoms that I could not coordinate together out of the conversation. Now I realize that that was wrong. But I will speak of them now. And when they know the full story maybe they can point me to the right answer. Dr Karabatos never knew about most of the symptoms. Dr Anderson can not put them all together either. Even though I have given him a list. I will make a list for Dr. Karabatos and Dr. Saavedra., and nurse practitioner Hang in Dr. Sadek's office.

Could I Use SNRIs?

I have used these drugs before:

• Duloxetine (Cymbalta)
• Venlafaxine (Effexor, Effexor XR)

And found out that they worked for a while then quit. Here is an article by the Mayo Clinic:

• 
  

Serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs)

Antidepressant SNRIs help relieve depression symptoms, such as irritability and sadness. Here's how these antidepressants work and what side effects they may cause.

By Mayo Clinic staff

SNRIs are a class of medications that are effective at easing depression symptoms. SNRIs are also sometimes used to treat other mental health conditions such as anxiety.

How serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors work

Serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs) ease depression by affecting chemical messengers (neurotransmitters) used to communicate between brain cells. Most antidepressants work by changing the levels of one or more of these naturally occurring brain chemicals.

SNRIs block the absorption (reuptake) of the neurotransmitters serotonin (ser-oh-TOE-nin) and norepinephrine (nor-ep-ih-NEF-rin) in the brain. They also affect certain other neurotransmitters. Changing the balance of these chemicals seems to help brain cells send and receive messages, which in turn boosts mood. Medications in this group of antidepressants are sometimes called dual reuptake inhibitors.

Serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors approved to treat depression

SNRIs approved by the Food and Drug Administration to treat depression, with their generic names followed by brand names in parentheses, include:

• Duloxetine (Cymbalta)
• Venlafaxine (Effexor, Effexor XR)
• Desvenlafaxine (Pristiq)

As with some other antidepressants, venlafaxine is available in an immediate-release form that requires two or three doses a day and in an extended-release (XR) form that allows you to take it just once a day.

Sometimes, SNRIs are used to treat conditions other than depression.

Side effects and cautions

All SNRIs work in a similar way and generally cause similar side effects. However, each SNRI has a different chemical makeup, so one may affect you differently than does another.

Side effects of SNRIs can include:

• Nausea (particularly with duloxetine)
• Dry mouth
• Dizziness
• Insomnia
• Sleepiness
• Constipation
• Increased blood pressure (with venlafaxine)
• Excessive sweating
• Reduced sexual desire or difficulty reaching orgasm
• Inability to maintain an erection (erectile dysfunction)
• Increased heart rate
• Heart palpitation
• Difficulty urinating
• Tremor
• Headache
• Agitation or anxiety
• Changes in appetite
• Abnormal vision, such as blurred vision or double vision
• Muscle weakness

Nausea is less common with the extended-release form of SNRIs.

If you want to read more of the article, just click the link below in right corner.

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Allergic to Olive Oil?

I did a hot oil treatment to my hair this morning. Putting olive oil on the hair, then a shower cap and wrapping it up in a towel. After about 30 minutes my lips started to swell, my depression came, stomach in butterflies (anxiety), gums started to swell. I washed what I could out and ran to get my second antihistamine for the day,  Xyzal, for I had already taken my Wal-itin, a generic store brand of Claritin, about two hours before. What would have happened if I had not taken the stuff before the treatment?
I have been eating olive oil for years, and thought I could tolerate the stuff. Apparently not in this amount, in this way, on the skin. 

Allergic Friends

In fighting depression, allergies or whatever. I have seen the support of people around me grow as I speak of the diseases. Now sometimes I become fused with the idea that I am only an allergic, depressed person, but this fusion is what is part of the problem. I am many things. One is a friend to others suffering. As I get information that others are suffering the illnesses then I begin to have hope that I can survive the constant brain whizzing and brain farts.
Erica, a friend at work is about, or more, allergic than I to things.  Her insights support me in this battle that I fight on a daily basis. She has the same balance problems that I have. Same weird thought placement. Trouble spelling, typing, even speaking when the allergies are in abundance. To know this is happening to someone else and they are willing to share the information with me is very supportive.  

Investigating SSI

Social Security income. Well, I am investigating. Andrea Sheldon thinks that I might have a neurological condition that has gone undiagnosed and could be getting worse. If this is so than that with 20 years under
psychiatric care and not being able to be outside in the weather for the allergies that I suffer to do the work that I have been able to do in the past may be enough to start the ball rolling. So I will be getting the insurance and doctor's records together to get the process started.

Norepinephrine

It seems that a clue has been laid on my doorstep. I mean I have severe allergies, probably always have. Now, in this senerio I have depression worse when the allergies are in full swing, Now enter in the epi-pen, a device that shoots adrenaline into the blood when I encounter severe reactions. Could the mere spelling be there as only a coincidence, or is there another reason? Norepinephrine  Here is an article on the neurotransmitter.


From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Norepinephrine (INN) (abbreviated norepi or NE) is the US name for noradrenaline (BAN) (abbreviated NA orNAd), a catecholamine with multiple roles including as a hormone and a neurotransmitter.^[3] Areas of the body that produce or are affected by norepinephrine are described as noradrenergic.

The terms noradrenaline (from the Latin) and norepinephrine (derived from Greek) are interchangeable, with noradrenaline the common name in most parts of the world. However, to avoid confusion and achieve consistency medical authorities have promoted norepinephrine as the favoured nomenclature, and this is the term used throughout this article.

One of the most important functions of norepinephrine is its role as the neurotransmitter released from thesympathetic neurons affecting the heart. An increase in norepinephrine from the sympathetic nervous system increases the rate of contractions.^[4]

As a stress hormone, norepinephrine affects parts of the brain, such as the amygdala, where attention and responses are controlled.^[5] Along with epinephrine, norepinephrine also underlies the fight-or-flight response, directly increasing heart rate, triggering the release of glucose from energy stores, and increasing blood flow toskeletal muscle. It increases the brain's oxygen supply.^[6] Norepinephrine can also suppress neuroinflammationwhen released diffusely in the brain from the locus coeruleus.^[7]

When norepinephrine acts as a drug it increases blood pressure by increasing vascular tone (tension of muscles) through α-adrenergic receptor activation. The resulting increase in vascular resistance triggers a compensatory reflex that overcomes the direct homeostatic effect of that increase on the heart, called thebaroreceptor reflex, which otherwise would result in a drop in heart rate called reflex bradycardia.

Norepinephrine is synthesized from dopamine by dopamine β-hydroxylase.^[8] It is released from the adrenal medulla into the blood as a hormone, and is also a neurotransmitter in the central nervous system andsympathetic nervous system where it is released from noradrenergic neurons in the locus coeruleus. The actions of norepinephrine are carried out via the binding to adrenergic receptors.

Turning off the VNS

It has occurred to me that the VNS device maybe hindering the quality of life. I still suffer the symptoms, depression and anxiety are still there, but constant hunger is there, immensely. The VNS device causes that when there are mitigating circumstances, meaning that when there are food allergens and other chemicals that are affecting me, then, yes it works. It always puts out the shock that puts serotonin into the brain. It is how the body receives the  extra serotonin with other factors involved. Other factors

• medications, 
• food,
• psychological preconceptions of fear of what has happened in the past,
• environmental things.

Maybe I need norepinephrine instead. And I have a problem with histamine. I found this link to a Canadian lab. Why American doctors, mainstream are not offering this test is beyond me.

Return to Work

I return to work today after one month off. I want this job, for the creativity and interaction with people and kids that I need. It may come to the point that I have to go for SSI and will find out soon if I can get that. Therapist Sheldon will let me know more on the 29th.
I can only hope that I can get some help, sometime, if not now in the future, hopefully before I lose it all, the house, the job, etc. But you know, I don't fear the worse, because somehow I know that dwelling on that would cause more sickness. I must just get through just that next couple of hours. Just that, the rest will take care of it's self.

Therapist Sheldon: A blessing

This therapist was a blessing. I prayed that

• what ever I was to tell her that it would come out correctly,
• that it would be perceived correctly,
• that I would hear the answer correctly, not jumbled up in my antidepressant mind
• that I would hold whatever she told in skecpticism until proven elsewise.

But she taught me an energy balancing technique that I had heard in massage about 18 years ago called tapping. Also I know that she has been in many different situations and worked with many illnesses to warrant what she says maybe the truth. In dealing with this illness over the years I have run into so many people who did not understand that yes, it was affecting me mentally with depression and anxiety, but it had physicality as well. She understood the link, right away. Thank God! So many people think that the physical is a psychosomatic response from the sick individual, instead of it being all one illness.

Weather Change:Mold Allergies?

The weather has moisture in it again. When this happens above about 50-60% I hit depression big time. Now the allergist says I don't have mold allergies and will not include the antigen in the allergy shots. More research is needed. Here is an excerpt from a book, then an article. First the link to a book excerpt:The Molds and Man Now the article, below:

Make sure your detoxification support is adequate. It is best to work with an experienced health care provider knowledgeable in the genetic SNPs that impact detoxification pathways and experienced in determining:

• organic acid tests

• hair tests

• fecal metals

• urine toxic metal tests and other important labs

This is because not everyone is able to detoxify different things efficiently, and a good percentage of the population are non-secretors!  Some individuals are more compromised in their ability to detoxify metals. This has a significant impact upon the levels of pathogenic molds, bacteria and mycotoxins in the body. Other individuals have immune system interference in their detoxification pathways that impact their ability to excrete mycotoxins and therefore have severe reactions to the die off of pathogenic molds and additional environmental molds. Future articles will attempt to discuss the complex subject of evaluating one’s detoxification pathway and what things to look out for when detoxifying certain things from the

body.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cholestyramine

the above is about a drug to kill the mold.http://www.immunematrix.com/

https://www.immunematrix.com/store/product.php?productid=16263&cat=264&page=1

SKU: SKU16263.

Above is the information for a stool test

This test will culture and identify the strains of good probiotics in your intestines, culture pathogenic bacteria, mold, candida and other yeast and identify prescription and non-prescription products that are tested as effective against your strains. Eliminating all pathogenic molds, candida strains and yeast, will reduce their excretions, the mycotoxins that wreck havoc on the body. This can be a significant source of toxic exposure outside of environmental mold exposure.

Notes to the Therapist: Sheldon

Current symptoms now physically:

When under the exposure these are the symptoms

loss of balance, the ears fill up with liquid

    loss of spacial judgements, knocking things over easily, missing turns in car, running over curbs

    typing becomes difficult and slow

itchy skin all over

post nasal drip

blurry eyes

gas

constipation

mental stuff starts happening

loss of concentration

short term memory loss

irritation

anxiety,

depression

Once I cover my nose and mouth with a clean cloth and breathe for about 25 minutes, not talking, not eating, all symptoms are lessened. Even the depression.

Now I have already put an air purifier and de-humidifier in my bedroom, and that has helped greatly for sleep. I used to wake up in severe depression and could not figure out why.

I have started on the generic OTC antihistamines for Zyrtec and Allerga.  Went to get a shot of steroid on last Tuesday, and it helped for about two days. They said it would last for one week Now I am on 5 mg of Prednisone. It barely helps. Right now I have to be outside for the job. So I take a lot of breathing breaks. I am taking the OTC Allerga and Prednisone together. It barely helps, even in the house (out of the bedroom with the de-humidifer and purifier).

My questions

I believe it is mold.  The symptoms are severe in rainy weather.  Even in overcast weather. What other type of thing could it be?

What types of drugs and treatments are available for this?

What strengths are  the upper limits and can be considered safe.?

I see the allergist on Wednesday and want to have a little knowledge about what to expect on the issue.

Thanks, and I hope to see you in about 10 days!

Current medications:

      Prednisone, 5 mg

      Digestive enzymes, zenpep 10,000 units, 3 to 5 caps before each meal

      Supplements

      Vit C, up to 10,000 mg daily

      Vit B 5, 2000 mcg daily

      Vit B 12 , 5000 mcg daily

      Vit D up to 10,000 IU daily

      Lysine, 4,800 mg daily

      Dindolylmethane (DIM) , 200 mg daily

      liquid Vit supplement

      fish oil 2000 IU daily

     

 Diet :

     No fried foods, no sodas, I drink, White teas, herbals water sweetened with Stevia

     95% of foods prepared at home.

     oils, fats are not hydrogenated.

     95% of foods are eaten raw

     proteins are from beans, flaxseeds,

Work done in CFBH

Sort of scared straight? There are others out there that are far worse. But before I went in I was not on medications for close to two years. Now I need that medication more than anything to hold on to the job that is outside. 

In therapy we covered how I am fused to the depression and how if I can see myself seperate from that disease, then the healing begins. Also we covered ANTs. Automatic Negative Thoughts, and I have ordered the book on the subject by Sally-Anne McCormick.

Would like to deal with in therapy here with Ms. Sheldon:

How to deal with this all together and not go deeper into the abyss 

Many food allergies,

• wheat,
• milk products
• nuts
• peanuts
• citrus
• fermented food give me problems
• plants of the mustard family, broccoli, cabbage, spinach.
• seeds
• tomatoes
• garlic
• fish
• beef
•  to the point that I cook all things for myself.
•  When eating out It has to be at a place that does not use MSG in any form.
• aspratame  can not be tolerated, only Stevia
• sugar easily grows some kind of thick spit on the tongue-so even fruits are out, so are potatoes and yams
• foods that are left must be eaten in a sort of rotation. Hard on me to do. Need help there.

Environmental

• dust
• dust mites
• grass
• pollen
• possible mold
• chemicals
• on antidepressants '93 to 1/25/ 2110, off until 10/26/2011

Started allergy shots on 11/15/11 for the top 4 in above list, 4th is still unproven.

Thought Bubbles: Character development?

My continued suffering of this disease is developing several character traits that I have shortage of. Namely, I have suffered enough from the inside sources of my pain, I will not accept others trying to judge me, or cause me guilt. After all it is my acceptance of that guilt that makes it legit. And it is that way with the inner pain as well. We are getting there.

Another is, I am in this for the rest of my life. A fight to the end and I will fight. It challenges me. I take that challenge and run with it. 

No one, nothing, except God knows what I have suffered as I lay crying, drove crying, tears streaming down my face. So I have that quite power that gives me strength. 

Now I must learn to defuse from the whole concept of "depression is me". It is just a part of a splendid person that I have become. 

Upped the Medications

I boosted the Xyzal up by half a pill on the 19th of November. I noted a great increase in balance, mood, and energy, a lessening of itchy skin. I take the half pill on arising, which is about 4 am these days.

The chiropractor's new adjustment with the traction collar device has helped greatly. I notice the difference almost immediately. He was adamant that I not return to medication. I thought that I had to to maintain hours at the job. Period. He doesn't know what the pain of anxiety and depression does on income. I am concerned about the poisoning of my body by the chemicals that I have decided to put back into the body, but I have to pay the mortgage.

Thought Bubbles: ANTs

What is an ANT? some small creature?Please remember that this creature is far stronger than his size and can carry many times his weight. So can Automatic Negative Thoughts. This concept was discovered by Sally-Anne McCormick out of Australia.
This is a thought process that we have trained our brains into over many years. It starts when the parent is trying to be corrective in the formative years. But over usage and focusing on these thoughts can cause depression and anxiety.

I turned to a devotional prayer book this morning: Prayers for Emotional Wholeness by Stormie Omartian and one of the first prayers I turn to was on page 158. A sentence jumped out at me.

                 You are Lord over my life, and I invite You to be Lord over my thoughts as well.
                 Replace the negative with positive, Christ affirming thoughts.
Every thought. Do it as an exercise. Repeat scripture, replacing a negative thought. Repeat positive affirming thoughts, Christian, or secular. But do it, and after 28 days it becomes a habit. You are more positive and your esteem and mental health come up higher than before.

Thought Bubbles: Stone God?

My degree is in art history. I always thought that the stone images of gods from the stone age all the way to modern times-primitive tribal art- were quaint, but really gave no more thought to them. Maybe a study of the form, or how the artist and the style merged to create that piece of art.

Then, well, this relationship that I am - or God is- developing in me, speaks of intimacy that far outstrips the feelings of a dead piece of stone, wood or plastic, or metal. Of course those "gods" survive in the present in the form of plastics (credit cards), wood (household furnishings), stone,( representing buildings, homes) metal (cars). All things that the true God has made, so why not seek a true relationship with Him?

Any relationship takes so much to develop. Time, patience, feelings, emotions are involved with every relationship. He doesn't expect perfection, that is what He sent Jesus for. We, we get the benefit of that relationship that Jesus has with his Father. To believe in Jesus, God, and the Spirit, well it is like being adopted by the most loving, forgiving family that could ever be. But it is a relationship, you have to be honest, true and caring with God, so that you get the benefit that God wants to give to the relationship.

Much more than a stone sculpture from the past. Much more than the empty pursuit of chasing after material things.

VNS, Xanan, Abilify

The VNS device is at 2 mhz every two hours and the metabolism is crazy. The Abilify,  makes me increadibly hungry, and the VNS just burns it off. Perfect combo. But to get the balance just right is the hard thing.

It could be that the antihistamines (Xyzal, Singular) are what the body really needs and as the depression leaves, which it mostly has, the VNS seems to work overtime at the same setting. I noticed this as the food sensitivities or allergies were clearing out. It maybe that as the allergy shots build the tolerances to pollen, grass, dust and dust mites the VNS, or the Abilify could be cut down. I think the VNS and Abilify both, a little at a time.

Recent Health Crisis Started after car accident

This is what I posted in May, just three weeks after the car accident:

5/31/11

I have been in and out of depression more often since the car accident.

Before the accident I would go into depression perhaps every other week. A mild depression, to be sure, but now it is getting to be daily. I thought as the body healed from the bruised and sprained back and neck, the depressions would be less. So far not. But I am hopeful that if I can get a grip on the reality of the situation, that I will get better, that I can have the happiness that I had before.

I had no target before my past improvement. I did not know what happiness could be. I had surrendered to the depression because I knew nothing else. Now I know I have been happy just last month.

I will get better.

God says that he will perfect all that concerns me. I have to keep this in the forefront as I heal.

There is more to life than depression. Most people would say duh. But when it is in your face 24/7 you get so deep into your pain that you can not see around it. Replace thoughts that are depressive with thoughts of God's love and the depression lessens.

11/18/11

It has been tracked that the health crisis with the intense allergies that I have suffered started to that time period. The very reading of the above brought tears to my eyes. To realize that I signed a wavier that I can not get any more money from the insurance company for the recent down turn starts the flow of the fountain of pain that wells to the surface. Let it go......or pursue?

Thought Bubbles: Hugs

Thought Bubbles:  Hugs

In this, what I call a "lock up" there're no hugs.

We can't even reach out and touch a human, with what we know would comfort them.  That most shocked me. That and the scalding pot, looking glass that God dropped me into.

I met a young woman, who like me, grabbed her Bible as she ran from one confused situation to another. if we could all grab that book, and  plop it open and search for the comfort that it brings.  letting the Spirit drift into the soul. And like a sponge searching for living water, soak it up.

Her name was Meghan. I hope I find you friend. The times we shared the verse that we should cast our cares on the Lord for he careth for you. Or the one about eagles wings.

This lock up was a place were people go who are in crisis.  Drug withdrawals,  medicine imbalances.. When you go in you are desperate. Very.  You are stripped of all electronic devices.  Our toys,   But our connections to the outside world as well. Everything that could harm you, yourself, or anyone else. Is taken. When we totally give ourselves to God I think it is like that.

Lock Up Blog-CFBH log

11/4/11
I have come to a mental hospital by Seaworld.  Scary at first. Very,very scary. locked in. Every door is under lock and key.
Residents are all sitting in a line of chairs in front of the TV. Some zoned out, other more alert and attentive.
Tough night, and possible wheat or aspartame reactions in the morning from the juice,which was .a crystallite or HONEY NUT OATS  I had for breakfast.
11/5/11
Dr. Hasheez put me Effexor .75. Dr K put me on Xanax .25x3, the singular 10mg, Xyzal by allergist.  I will cancel the allergy shots for now. It-the shots were to start the eight if Nov....I have postponed the Chiropractic for now. The chiropractor was adiment that I not take drugs. That could not not be possible and hold a job. So let that be. I suffered enough. I will maintain about as healthy a life style as I can.
11/5/11
I pray that I have a job to go back to when I get out of here. John says that he would like to help us with our finances, and wants to review how we spend our money. That sounds good right now. Eases the worry.

Poor David, he has seen the down turn in my health,  and now the separation that this lock up causes. Visits are only twice a week for one hour, phone calls are limited to only when others are not using the two phones that are set out when phone access happens three times daily. The access is shared by about 16 women.

The pencils are short golf pencils so people can no use them to stick them into themselves or others. The night I saw a TV show there at the lock up on how someone did that,  well it almost liquidifed my innards.
They won't allow me my watercolor brush, so I wrap a small piece of cloth around the tip of a pencil and use that.  With it my art survives.......it will always help me to survive.
They dose me up on the antihistamines and Ambien to help me sleep. Only thing is these antihistamines don't induce sleep.

I find that when I have a stressful allergic day, as in cleaning, the lymph glands hurt and the VNS does not keep me awake as much.   It is as if the toxins in the body are slowing the effect of the VNS. It does not physically stop it, just slow the affects on the body.  When I am away from the house with all of its dust mites, and then come to the house to sleep, then it has the affect that it gives me too much energy...as if I  drank a lot of caffeine in the late afternoon.  So I am going to try this strategy : cut it down as I can remember during the day, let it decrease it's affects during the day when the body has less to fight and then let it rip at night when I am at home.  The magnet will let me do this. It shuts off the device for that one stimulation and the device will pick up again two hours later. That is how it is set up.

11/6/11
I upped the VNS before I came to this lock up.  Thank God, for it has really helped me in many respects. I am realizing that I must come at this from a different aspect.  They have offered me to visit the therapy program that is attached to this facility. I will do it, if we can do it with out incurring more costs.  It would involve 5 hours of therapy-group therapy.

11/7/11
We work with affirmations here at the PHP side of the lock up. It is a mirror reflection of what is happening to me.. I was locked in my location in the other area in this facility, locked in the depression, hopelessness and anxiety. Here it seems that I am unlocking thoughts that caused some of the depression.


11/8/11
Most of the TV shows that are shown here in the lock up are extremely violent. Amongst the constant bouts of dramas on the phones, residents attacking staff, people in constant hideous emotional states, if one wasn't unstable when they came in,  they are now.  What ever I was going through at home, it was far less than what is going on here. Abilify started at 2.5 mg.

11/9/11
Meds now:Abilify upped to 5mg


11/10/11
Knowing how to stop the automatic negative thoughts that I have programmed into the brain over the years. ANTeaters : thought reprogramming to stop the negativity.

VNS Turned Up to High

11/3/11
In an effort to stem the raising anxiety and depression, I had the VNS turned up to 2.25 mhz. It was way to much. Pulled me out of the depression, however I had to eat constantly around the clock. Every 1.5 hours. And I was in a losing battle. I  kept losing weight and that was not good. Weight at 124 was not good. I went in to the lock up and decided that since it was a hospital, and if I had some kind of reaction, well, I was in the right place. The first day I had foods that I had not had in a long while. Had a interaction with aspartame. It was in some kind of juice product.
But I learned other things. I could eat

• potatoes
• chicken
• tomatoes 
• rice
• promise breakfast spread
• bananas
• unfiltered water (lol)
• pork
• ham

So some foods that I had been avoiding because I wanted to have less starch, less inflammation, less Candida growth, less gas in general, I could eat it, just sparingly.

New Drugs

11/10/11

Current medications:

Xanex@ .25 was added on nov 1
Singular 10 mg on Nov 2
Xyzal 5 mg on oct 26
Abilify 5mg on Nov 7 Monday this week

VNS @2.25 @2 hour. Seemed to increase anxiety, don't know. shut off the device three times yesterday. 11/10/11

Digestive enzymes, zenpep 10,000 units, 3 to 5 caps before each meal

Supplements

      Vit C, up to 10,000 mg daily

      Vit B 5, 2000 mcg daily

      Vit B 12 , 5000 mcg daily

      Vit D up to 10,000 IU daily

      Lysine, 4,800 mg daily

      Dindolylmethane (DIM) , 200 mg daily

      liquid Vit supplement

      fish oil 2000 IU daily