Dreams

I can usually tell when the drugs I am taking are either not the right strength, or are not working. I have awoke to dreams that seem terror filled. And yet the actual subject matter is benign . I wake up to feelings of It has happened again.
At three in the morning I awake. Again I am trying to use suggestions, positive affirmations to help de-program my overly tired brain. I am trying to come off of Colonapren and down on risperdal simultaneously . Not a great picture.  Half a sleep when I write, but do so anyway to get angst out about the early risings .
I have restless movement of trunk and legs as well . Try to sleep, does not relieve the problem.  Seems to me that this was the same problem the last time.
The the naggings of the Chiropractor come to mind. Put anything into the body and you affect it's normal function.

I decided very shortly afterward that I would go back up on the tranquilizer and the risperdal. I am  happier, less frightened, though I still go through bouts of anxiety. It is as if my brain once it has walked down the path of anxiety and depression has trained itself to run down that path when I am reacting to most anything. But there are certain things that trigger it more than other things.
Travel, especially in cars, and working doing my job. Both things I have done all my life. So what is it? The psychiatrist says that I need to have my mind filled with creative happy thoughts. When driving I am better when distracted with singing with the radio or just listening to it. When it is slow at work is when the anxiety is worse.

Thought Bubbles: Holley Gerth says it Again!

I think that God has sent this lady to help many. Here are her words

On the way to a crazy 50 mile bike ride with my husband I text back and forth with my wonderful friend. Our conversation sounds kinda like this: Me: Why am I doing this? Friend: I have no idea. Me: Because I like a challenge? Because my hubby wants me to? Because there will be free snacks along the route? I can’t put my finger on the motivation. I turn from texting to the screen of my Kindle. These words from Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard jump off the page at me… “We essentially ask ourselves three questions when we have a decision to make: Who am I? What kind of situation is this? What would someone like me do in this situation?” –Chip and Dan Heath We think we make decisions based on facts and rational thinking. It turns out a lot of times our decisions are based on our identities–both who we believe we are now and who we aspire to be in the future. I was doing that 50 mile bike ride because I wanted to be the kind of wife who does stuff like that with her husband. Huh. That identity push was powerful enough to get me up at the crack of dawn and take me through 50 miles of riding. Why does understanding this matter? Because it means if our identity is based on untruth then we will make decisions that are out of line with God’s best for us. If I believe I’m someone with nothing to offer then I’ll hold back. If I believe my life doesn’t have a purpose then I’ll be more likely to live without intention. If I believe God should have made me different than I will be hesitant to use the strengths and gifts He’s placed within me. On the other hand… If I believe I’m who God has created me to be and He’s given me what I need to accomplish all He’s called me to do then I will make decisions that move me forward in His purpose for my life. Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. Heb. 12:1-2 What hinders us? Often it’s what we believe about who we are. Do we all struggle with this? Of course. And we will until the day we’re home in heaven forever. But we can stand at the starting line of a new day together and say, “This is who God says I am. And because of that, I will be different today.” Let’s persevere in our race, friend. Are you ready to move forward together? You just finished reading Why who you think you are matters ! Consider leaving a comment! Would you like to subscribe by email? {yep, it's free} Book: You're Already Amazing {e}coaching: I'm the girl to know when you're ready to grow.

ACCEPTANCE IS HARD

Since going on Abilify insomnia is a constant companion. I messed up and took a tranquilizer at the wrong time of day at the wrong dosage. In an effort to get some 'useful' time out of the day, I took a risperdal in the late after noon. WRONG! Thing to do. 36 hours later my body is still messed up. 
The risperdal caused insomnia, causing over tiredness causing a weakness that started an anxiety attack. 
When the attack happens, it is not a panic attack. It starts with a feeling in the chest that feels like heartburn. If I start in with slow deep breaking the anxiety can be delayed. If I start with this(anxiety) in the morning by early afternoon I will have depression. The chemicals in anxiety will push the brain into depression.
I think that I am developing agoraphobia. I am safe inside the house,that is if the house doesn't fall in on me. But safer here than all the other places and scenarios in my life. I still dwell and ruminate on horrific (at least to me) things. 
The Chiropractor says that my atlas bone is severely out of place. It is twisted and possibly tilted. We do not know if this is from the 5/5/11 accident or if I had it before. No x rays at that angle to determine that were taken before the accident. The X-rays before the accident were taken at a certain angle, not the angles of these latests shots. That is the difference. I can not prove that the accident has worsened the depression through external tests, but it did and has.. But I signed a waiver and can't get any more money. Acceptance of the way that this disease effects me is the worse part of this disease right now. 

True Inner Happiness is Rare

In the search for what will make me happy, I have done many things. (Don't we all). But I don't mean just material things, even spiritual things, I mean I want to laugh. Over silly things. It seems that that doesn't happen very often. A really deep sense of happiness and silliness. I did have a small amount last night. Listening to silly ringtones. I was laughing like crazy!  Serotonin was surging and for about an hour I was silly/happy. I think with all the stress in today's world and the seriousness of the state of things more silly things are called for. Not demeaning, just let loose silly things.

I have to learn to let go, and back off of ruminating thoughts. This is after 9 months on medications. and eight different ones at that. Any thought can become ruminating. Most are negative, and full of anxiety. But if I can just dwell on the words "Drop it and back off!" The feeling of control of the thoughts empowers me. Even just a little bit. So if I can replace the thoughts with silly things on intention, it does help.

Writing is a therapy for depression

I have found that the journaling of my experience with the VNS and depression is in itself therapy. This latest mix of drugs and doing my creative things has given me more serotonin  and other calming brain chemicals. I have been writing some novelettes about an archeologist an her beaux who is in the same business as she. Just to put words to the keyboard and letting things flow keeps my mind off of the anxiety and depression. Replaces the negative with adventure, with other's thoughts, with others problems and then I solve them. Something, the solving part, I have not been able to do very successfully in my own fight with anxiety and depression. It seems that I am developing a type of agoraphobia. just another face of the sickness.

In the mix!

It seems that the mixture of all the drugs seems to be slowly working. I am more productive in the artwork, writing and blogging. I have a good level of energy through out the day for projects in the evening and in the mornings as well. A reminder of what the mixture is here
http://draft.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=3729535059627039435#editor/target=post;postID=137343103729171494
I realize that I go up and down in this battle. I am not bipolar, just that I go in and out of depression. Certainly as well in anxiety, It is just that when I am up I have several projects I would like to do.
Projects in art , writing and sculpture (see last post!)

The Abilify is working.

The last time I took Abilify I suffered greatly from the sleeplessness. But now it seems that I am doing fine. Creativity has really blossomed and I am sculpting. I am organizing an-epub. for IBooks for the Children's Historical Fiction Nick Anderson:Timeflyer  the American Revoloution. Then I will go to Amazon to do a Kindle version in color.

nickanderson@gmail.com

And I have started to write again I and am almost ready to publish it and do so to IBooks. Three novelettes. The third one is being written right now.
They are about an archeologist that suffers from anxiety and depression.

I have to do these things while I am "up" 

which usually lasts just a few months.

Some are projects that have taken months to get to 

this stage. And when I am capable  of doing it, up enough I go hell

bent for leather.

Kinda a Catch 22. Work hard, stress, then depression. This time I have a new

doctor and perhaps with her knowledge I will remain up longer this time.

I have the VNS implant as well as 5 different medication for the depression.

One other thing!

Hitch Hiking Ghosts!

I am bloging about the artwork that I do at a local Orlando theme park. Some of the work is for sale at this famous World class park. And all my work will be for sale on

www.thesilhouetteshop.blogspot.com

jkmatthews@cfl.rr.com