Medication misshap

Apparently the last time I had my paxil refilled they gave less than half of the amount for one month and I have no recourse but to pay full price for another month's worth of the medication. At a time when I can least afford it. But if I don't have it I will have a bad Christmas and lay abed and moan all day and cry. All this over the fact that some tech can't count.. I guess I must count every pill that I get right at the counter.
Dave says "why do druggists screw with mentally ill patients medications". Medications that I can not do without.
I went Doctor K for a referral for the surgeon for the implantation of the VNS. He usually will not go for new things in the medical field. But with the chance that the psychiatric drugs that I have been taking will destroy my liver and kidneys he told me to go ahead with the implant. He ordered blood tests that should help the surgeon determine if I can do the procedure.

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Peggy's response suggest the NIMH

Have you had any contact with NIH, they have a mental health also. It is very close to us. That is where Bob went for his cancer. They are wonderful people and because it is govt. it is free. There ia also Johns Hopkins in Baltimore. Talk to your Drs and see if there is a chance you could get into either place.

Peggy,
thank you for your reply and comments on the constant monkey on my back. I am looking into this implant right now, and we will see what it does for me. I am writing about it on my blog. Keeping correspondence and recording what actually takes place when one goes through this problem.
time to view this situation from the personal view of the mentally ill person. I can write about it as a record of when I am down, and the different patterns of thought as I go down, then maybe I will be able to grasp it's triggers. This is what I am concentrating on. I am well enough at this time to do this. In the future...... we will leave that time to the future, and not worry about it now.

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To Edna about daughter Elaine.

About Elaine:
Mysterious aches are probably not in her head. She maybe very sensitive to stress and the stressors bring on the depression, moodiness, irritability and This is biological in nature. Her body and mind maybe trying to adjust to the stressors, but she may not have the amount of serotonin that she needs to soothe over the aches and pains that she has from the stress. She is not crazy. Just let her know that no matter what is wrong with her that I still believe in her. What she perceives as pain is real pain and is coming from her ability to be sensitive to aspects of life that the rest of us can't even perceive. This point must be brought up and discussed. It is, if I am right, a disease that will carry on for life. It is how she is. Period.
If I am right, she should be on a steady flow of antidepressants. Or she may be able to change up her diet to help. But just diet and exercise may not be enough.
That's all for now.

(Elaine passed away October 12-13 2010, unknown causes-editor)

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Letter to Misao

Depression wise I am looking into getting a pace maker for the brain. It is a therapy known as VNS. It sends pulses to the brain and stimulates it in the mood area. It is hopeful to help with the long term treatment of the illness. As it is now I am on the highest amounts of 4 drugs and I still have bouts of depression..It stems from stress. When under huge amounts of stress, the migraines come and so does the depression. Only problem is that I can withstand very little stress before the depression starts. Even loud noises are stressors. So, I await this new procedure and will see what it can do. I can not just give up on life because it stresses me too much. I have to try to manage the disease and put myself in charge of the stressors and eliminate them the best way I can.

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Letter to Edna

Thank you for your last email.
I walk every day and eat more fruit and veggies each day. Only one day at a time and no "it could have been, or should have been, or would have been" comments about anything in life. Life is just that. The "now" and how one perceives it. One can't become consumed about thoughts of bloody knives and family members in in tragic accidents, for as scary as this is, and it comes unbidden, it has happened before and nothing has come of it. So what if I cried all day and stopped just the hour before, I may be exhausted emotionally and can even feel spent physically from the emotional out pouring, but it is over with and get on with life. I can't become consumed with the past I must live now.
John gave me a massager pillow that I just adore. I over did it and am sore. But it does help to rid the body of stress.
You get on with your bad self in your musical endeavors. It trains your brain to think creatively. This helps in everything your do. It also releases serotonin in the brain, because, believe it or not, I can feel it when it happens to me. That is why artists love to create things.

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A letter to Peggy, my cousin

Thank you so much for your support and prayers. I think the more people that we have sending petitions to the Guy upstairs the better off we are.
Depression is not the once and while moody down in the dumps that we all experience. It, in part, is the malfunction of certain brain chemicals. Terrorizing scenes of bloody knives and car accidents come unbidden. Sudden crying spells come in uncontrollable bouts, incredible anger pounces on me out of nowhere. Lack of motivation plagues my every ambition. At first I criticized myself constantly, for could, or shouldn't , I be able to control this bewildering behavior?
Then the research began. Surely just a few re-ordering of priorities and more discipline will pull me out of the quagmire, but all to no avail. I sought talk therapy, and that helped with some issues. You know, we all have issues. Then I began to realize that when depressed I viewed everything differently. Good memories of happy times, could not be found anywhere in the storage bin in the ol' brain. When forced to remember, the memory seemed to be black and white and spots of the memory where not viewable. This memory was a happy memory. When the medications work and the level of stress is low I can remember that same memory, but vividly and in full color and in full high definition, with sound and feelings. So it comes down to the fact that I can not experience pleasure as a normal person does.
I have tried to rid my body of the medication six different times. All to no avail. Crushing despair and hospital visits resulted.
The medications are enabling me to work, but only 32 hours a week and eventually it will get worse. I can not endure stress of any kind, for it triggers, even while on meds, a deep dive into the frothy waves of an unsettled mind.
This is mental illness. This and much more.

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More Letters

Hi Janet,
The only assistance program available at Cyberonics is for indigent patients
who do not have insurance. I am currently working with Dr. Figueroa to find
a surgeon and hospital. Once we have that information for you, you may
certainly speak with the surgeon to see if a rate can be negotiated or if
there is a payment plan at that office. You can also speak with the
hospital's business office regarding a payment plan if you desire. I will
call you as soon as I have the surgeon information.

Thank you,
Cheryl

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Support and response for request for prayer

Donna,
Thank you for your support. Yes it is hard. I have tried every thing I know of. My sugar is borderline at last check, before I lost some weight. I still battle with cravings, but I have re-added exercise to the regimen. When I get moving about I am better mentally. I have done the vitamin route, the Omega 3 route, am on thyroid med and cholesterol path. I have kept what works. Eating fresh veggies and fruit every day. I admit I am addicted to caffeine, but I can do without if necessary.
John suffers from migraines when stressed. Mine are every day at this point. Some days worse that others. I am on the most amount of drugs that I have ever been on. The depression is lifting at this time, how ever this has happen sixteen times before. The meds last a few weeks sometimes a few months then they stop working, and on to another one. I am on a 32 hour week at work, any more and I get sick with anxiety and depression attacks. As it is with a low grade migraine almost every day something needs to be done that is more permanent .
Yes I intend to call you.
Thanks for the prayers too.
Janet


Janet,
I am sorry to hear of the troubles you are having. I know it must be very hard. Give me a call when you get a chance. You know depression is common with diabetes too. My brother Michael struggled for years and years. I am off next week Nov. 19, all schools are out. You like to be well educated about an illness like I do, nothing is ever the same after surgery. I just had surgery on my right hand Nov 5 for a trigger thumb. I tried 4 alternatives before that. Have you tried vitamin and mineral therapy and chiropractic adjustments?Tri Vita has a gluco balance to cut carb cravings and balance blood sugar. I am taking many of the vitamins and 3 diabetic medicines and am getting better control now with my last A1C test. 18009917116. M. and I will be praying for you. Please give me a call after 5 one day when you get a
chance.

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Questions have shown up

John, my brother, has asked how long will the effect last.It has occurred to me that he was asking about the VNS device's length of effectiveness and I must ask about this factor. But the thought that this device is much like a heart pace maker has occurred to me as well. The device may not last as long as is profitable for the initial investment.Or will I have to come up with a large amount of money every, what, seven to ten years? Not to mention the cost of the insurance to replace the batteries every five years.
But if it gives me renewed hope for life and renewed motivation to do things. Even for just those few years. Would it be worth it? How much for a replacement device? How much for the replacement of batteries? What kind of warranty do I get. I mean if they put it in and it, God forbid, malfunctions. But a pace maker could malfunction as well. Questions to be answered.

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Before Initial Consult

The surgeon is Dr. Thomas Corbyons out of Deland, about fifty miles north of here. I will set up a consult and see if I can proceed from there. This gives me a sense that I am doing something about my health.. A good feeling, even if it doesn't work. At least I tried. Let's look at the positive side of the experience. If it does work, so much will change.
I think that the new motivation that I should feel will help towards getting more art work done. More projects started. More hours at work to help pay off more bills. We will see. One can only approach things of this nature with cautious hope, and not expansive dreams.

(Corbyons is a doctor that likes to talk, and this causes extreme waits in waiting room.-editor)

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A letter to Edna, my Sister

Hi from Orlando!
the weather here in town is very enjoyable and refreshing. 70's during the days and 50's at night. Dry and crisp.
Please have me in your prayers. I am making a decision to have a VNS implant to fight the depression. It is like a pace maker for the brain. The insurance from work will cover most of it ( 70%) but I need to come up with the remaining cost. This could be up to 10,000 dollars. My IRA will most likely to be used. If it works, it could slow down the parade of drugs through the system, thus good for the liver. Good for the pocket book, and good for the over all income level, for I could have more energy to work a 40 hour week. I can only work 32 hours. Any over that and I have a break down. Anxiety and depression attacks. Migraines come and stay for weeks. And this is for an average 40 hour week, not a hugely busy week either. I am presently on 4 drugs. two that I can afford and the two that I can't, the doctor gives me from his samples. I can't go on like this for ever. But what ever works for the time being I am willing to try. I have turn it over to the Lord and it is a great peace of mind to do so. Also I am writing about what I am going through. It is on a blog www.mylifemyreflections.blogspot.com . I write when something new occurs in the VNS side of the treatment. But it helps me to see how I am doing on a month to month basis with the treatment with the drugs, and exercise and diet program that I try adhere to. I crave Reeses Peanutbutter cups and the machines at work have them a plenty. It is a comfort food and I find that the more comfort I have the tighter my clothes fit.
When the medications work I don't crave the comfort, for I don't need it. I am more confident, self assured, I remember happy memories. The memories are in and of themselves images and when depressed the memory images are not complete and are not as saturated with color as when I recall the same memory when I am "up". Some times the memories can't be recalled at all. I have to work on the recall and manually change the saturation of the image in order to help change the depression to a more "up" state.
However there are depressions that this will not work. I have tried to fill the bleak images with color, when it works I feel a little relieved.
I am trying a new way to fight this disease. I am using photographs to help me remember the good times. When I look at the photos I can recapture the feeling of the moment, and can try to concentrate on every detail, to magnify the effect. This phenomenon is from NLP tapes that I ran across years ago when I studied hypnosis. Training the brain to avert attacks. Or fight back.
Right now I am waiting for more info from the Cyberonics folks. They are getting a surgeon lined up for my procedure. Neurologist I believe. I will be in touch with the insurance specialist nurse that the Cyberonics folks use as a way to deal with the prospective implanted patient.
So all for now.

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