Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Caroline at Aetna Behavior Health

A bubbly voice who's owner's name is Caroline called and left her number. After four return calls I wonder if the bubbly is in her head. She has left the line dangling. I am proceeding as if all is cool. I called Dr. Fig and told him that I had to go up to 150ml of the drug Cymbalta. He said that I could not do that and to return to the 120ml level. I asked what I should do once the depression returns. He said I would have my ups and downs. I am fed up with a doctor that has never had depression before. down means images of bloody knives, accidents, relatives dying, anger, irritability, floods of tears and much concern over sanity. So I upped the dosage of another drug. Just a wee bit. I can hide it better. Yes this is not right. But when is the desire for sanity not right. Possible liver damage. But relief from the bizarre thoughts and the crushing"brain hurt".
Brain hurt is a term that I've come to use to describe the get me outta here, this is insane, @#$%& it's here again feeling. It's much more than the last sentence can describe. It's hopelessness that nothing can do anything for me, it is anger that people close to me can not see it. They see me after the tears are dry, once a week for an hour or two. Yes, I can hide it too. Specially to people who don't want to hear about it anyway. I take more medications, and the pit moves away, for a little while.




Wednesday, January 23, 2008

I Awaits

I called Corbyons office to see if they could combine the pre op visits so I did not have to drive 88 miles and spend 5 hours three different times. No response yet.
Aetna has called me and left a message, I will return the call today.
I was on the web to see what else the VNS implant could do. I ofcourse have done this before and I am convinced that this is the way to go.
Voice mail tag.




Saturday, January 19, 2008

The call from Jennifer Bette

We finally made contact with each other.It has been fully one month since I made contact with the hospital to ask the question of how much. She said that the surgery would be 5000, but she had a few more costs to nail down. This is a way for her not to be pinned down to the figure of 5000.
Maybe I'm wrong. But for it to take this long to get a price, and that price not really complete, well, can we say that she knows I have to go through her hospital to get it through insurance so she has me hooked anyway. Boy what great customer service.
I called Dr. Corbyon's office to schedule the next appointment. This means a road trip on Feb. 14th for another consult and then the surgery on the 26th of that same month.
The cocktail of drugs that I am on just barely keeps me going. Wanting to cry sometimes, for no reason, seeing in my thoughts a paring knife slitting my arm and blood, are just some of the thoughts. I also dwell on family members dying. And what if senarios that drive me nuts. I back off and mentally know that I can't live like that. What happens, happens. It's the blood and crying, and the wanting to run away from it all that gets me.
I know I have it good. On the outside. Good family, and work, and friends. On the inside I go through the blood, the desparate scenes of devastation, and the loss of hope for any change. The lag time for a return call and information on the price is just typical of how the drugs treat me. They lag and come up short when under stress. So I have to try to eliminate as much stress as possible. This is hard, because everything is a stressor of some sort.



Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Another contact

Jennifer Bette called me today and stated that the out of pocket expense would be about 5000 dollars and there were some other costs that she has to nail down. There would be at least 1000 dollars in deductible to pay as well. for me anything under 10000 would be a go. Of course, the less the better. So it took a month to get this information. And it came with a stipulation that there are a few more costs as yet unknown. I swear that I almost went to the newspaper and was going to let them know that the hospital staff was uncooperative, and ineffective at best. We shall see.
I called Cheryl and let her know that Jennifer finally called and thanked her for help. We still have to get through the implantation and activation of the device.
Dr. Corbyons appointment is for 2/14/08. He will at that time go over a few more things, and then we will set the appointment for the procedure. I am not so sure about why this appointment is necessary, we will see.
I am trying to realize that this procedure will not be a panacea for the thought patterns that persist. I have OCD thoughts, thoughts of terrible sins for which I will be rejected from heaven(?) Just plain stupid continuous thoughts, but they are not there when I am up. So I know somehow that they are connected. Whether it is caused by lack of serotonin or one of the other nerotransmitters, OCD thoughts are insidious and just a part of the condition.
Also memory is impaired. I can write to someone on one day and completely forget about it just the next day. This happens everyday all day long with just about everything in my life. Perhaps this procedure will help the memories come back.
I can see a movie and not remember any of it just a few weeks afterwords. Maybe this is common when the movie is a dud. But this happens almost with every thing I engage in.
Self esteem has always been a problem, and now at 52 it seems that I have developed a compassionate inner voice that is at times small, but it is growing. this is important, for if you can not accept that your mind, your mental part is deffective your self esteem falters. And you crumble. People on the outside can not see that you are incompassitated, for physically you are whole. So there can't be anything wrong with you. If you appear "up" in your dealings with people it doesn't matter that you
are on 5 different medications just to get along,so that you can work, and not cry and not dwell on suicidal thoughts all the time.



Sunday, January 13, 2008

What is the problem?

This is getting ridiculous! and I am about ready to give up. But I won't. It has now been one month since I have seen the specialist in Deland. I can't get any information from the hospital as to the cost of the procedure. What I would like to do is contact a reporter, or other media person and see if they can mention the problem in print or in video.
Is this the result of no one caring for the little gal, the person that can't do much to call attention to the problem? It is time to apply myself. I doubt that I can do anything because if I want the procedure I have to go to them. Is there some kind of state regulation protecting the consumer? I would like to find out. Is it the fact that if they come out with a price that they can not tack on more costs later? What is the problem?


Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Finally, contacted!

Jennifer Bette and I connected and she is working up a price. I can pull about 15000 dollars together, but I do not want them to know just how much. Jennifer said that the price she will give me will include the discount that the hospital has negotiated with the insurance. Even if I give them a lump sum they will not cut the price any more. I will want to call Dr. Corbyons soon, after I get the amount from Jennifer. At that time I will schedule the proceedure, ask for time off and time off for David. He will need to be with me in the fact that I can not drive home, and we usually take a winter vacation at this time anyways.
If we can't take a full week, then anytime together will help. Gad! 44 miles and all day to see the doctor. No doctor closer.

(I found a closer doctor later.-editor)




Sunday, January 6, 2008

The billing supervisor

Ann called me at work and let me know to watch out for a call from a woman by the name of J. Bette. I did not catch her first name. This was on Friday the fourth of January. Ann said that she would follow up to see if this person calls me.
It gives me hope to have someone help me "run the rapids". This hospital seems to be the huge giant and I the small ant. It indeed seems that way. I don't want a huge debt after this operation. Making the decision to fund this from my retirement fund is chancey enough. It don't need a bill every month draining my peace of mind and my savings. Maybe if we can find a price and offer full up front payment I could get a better deal. We shall see.




Friday, January 4, 2008

Getting through the Holidays

It has been a stressful two or three weeks. Mom went into the hospital because she did not feel right. Good thing too, for she found out that she has a problem in her kidneys and the veins in her neck are too narrow for good health. She would not have found this had she just gone to the doctor. So, it was a stressful new year. She is back home today.
Now the billing supervisor for the Deland branch of the Florida Hospital still has not called back. It has been two weeks. Ann Stefurak, the regional Cyberonics person has called me today and left a message. I called back and told her the story, once again, about no information from the Hospital.
I am having problems getting my Cymbalta. Usually the doctors office has had it when needed, but not this time, so I requested a scrip for the med. I must have it or in two days time I probably can't work. I feel crippled by the need for this med, but I can not do without the stability that it gives me. That is the life I lead, and I feel if I make to much of it, the people around me feel that my problem is self administered. That if I were strong enough that I could just make myself stop crying, make my depression go away. I get that feeling from that lack of concern that prevades the relationships around me. Perhaps that part is all in my mind. Don't know for sure. Maybe the meds, when they work, allow me to be very near to normal, and in so doing the seriousness of the problem is not readily seen. But long term kidney and liver function is in question and the quality of life is not there.
Hey the medical office of Dr. Fig has just called, and the Cymbalta is waiting for me. The drama continues.