Reflections on Life: Meds are Only Part of the Fix

In a email to my sister Edna, and a friend, Mary:

Sorry I have not called. Combination of several things that are long and involved. Waiting for the drugs to build up, anxiety to face things and people again, etc. Mom is coming over today, and we will do in town running and visiting. We have to go get her hair cut, maybe just visit with other friends. Time to enjoy her. With her kidneys going, she is passing.

Wind and more wind outside right now, glad to be inside this morning. Dave will have to work out in it this afternoon, in about six hours. At least the sun will be up.

Met some people in the hospital and witnessed to one while there. She is in a mess of things and needs a person to talk to. Actually she is a soap opera of problems. But we all are at times. Something tells me to be her shoulder, but to be careful as well. Her life and problems do not need to cartwheel into mine. 

They have therapy in the hospital. The first stay I was so depressed that not much of the therapy went into this brain of mine. Could have been the chaotic atomsphere of the unit they had me in. Lots of screaming, crying and near violence. This time, I went into that unit first and was then transferred into another, more subdued unit that helped me cope with what I had to cope with.

I think that I need talk therapy  to deal with some of the problems that I have. I have always thought that medications would fix me up fine, but now I see that it can make a difference if I get into a talking situation. Clear out the brain and work through some preconceived thoughts.

I am a multifaceted person, and why should I think only one thing will help me? Not to overwhelm myself, I will prioritize the problems and work on them a little at a time.

Life is not your problem, but your thoughts can be.

Return to New Normal

The day after the nightmare incident I was anxiety prone. But by the end of the day I was better, and on the 29th and now the 30th I am fine. More than fine. I went out on the 29th with Edna to the Orlando Museum of Art and I was fine, and came home tired, but not depressed. I worked on sculpture, and as aways it was a therapeutic experience. I want to get into caricature images. I feel much more motivated to do art now than before the implant. Some other things I notice are related to self improvement. The weight issue still remains. I believe that I am burning more calories since the implant, because I am eating about the same carbs and am not gaining as easily. But other things are happening. I can let go of anger now. I am less judgemental of people. I enjoy more fully the little things that happen, like birds interacting with each other, like shadows and how they take shape. Tiny things, but things all around me now interest me. This is only part of what the implant has done for me. (Enjoyment of everyday things is happening here, first time in my life I felt true joy,-editor)

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Letter to Edna

Thank you for your last email.
I walk every day and eat more fruit and veggies each day. Only one day at a time and no "it could have been, or should have been, or would have been" comments about anything in life. Life is just that. The "now" and how one perceives it. One can't become consumed about thoughts of bloody knives and family members in in tragic accidents, for as scary as this is, and it comes unbidden, it has happened before and nothing has come of it. So what if I cried all day and stopped just the hour before, I may be exhausted emotionally and can even feel spent physically from the emotional out pouring, but it is over with and get on with life. I can't become consumed with the past I must live now.
John gave me a massager pillow that I just adore. I over did it and am sore. But it does help to rid the body of stress.
You get on with your bad self in your musical endeavors. It trains your brain to think creatively. This helps in everything your do. It also releases serotonin in the brain, because, believe it or not, I can feel it when it happens to me. That is why artists love to create things.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

A letter to Edna, my Sister

Hi from Orlando!
the weather here in town is very enjoyable and refreshing. 70's during the days and 50's at night. Dry and crisp.
Please have me in your prayers. I am making a decision to have a VNS implant to fight the depression. It is like a pace maker for the brain. The insurance from work will cover most of it ( 70%) but I need to come up with the remaining cost. This could be up to 10,000 dollars. My IRA will most likely to be used. If it works, it could slow down the parade of drugs through the system, thus good for the liver. Good for the pocket book, and good for the over all income level, for I could have more energy to work a 40 hour week. I can only work 32 hours. Any over that and I have a break down. Anxiety and depression attacks. Migraines come and stay for weeks. And this is for an average 40 hour week, not a hugely busy week either. I am presently on 4 drugs. two that I can afford and the two that I can't, the doctor gives me from his samples. I can't go on like this for ever. But what ever works for the time being I am willing to try. I have turn it over to the Lord and it is a great peace of mind to do so. Also I am writing about what I am going through. It is on a blog www.mylifemyreflections.blogspot.com . I write when something new occurs in the VNS side of the treatment. But it helps me to see how I am doing on a month to month basis with the treatment with the drugs, and exercise and diet program that I try adhere to. I crave Reeses Peanutbutter cups and the machines at work have them a plenty. It is a comfort food and I find that the more comfort I have the tighter my clothes fit.
When the medications work I don't crave the comfort, for I don't need it. I am more confident, self assured, I remember happy memories. The memories are in and of themselves images and when depressed the memory images are not complete and are not as saturated with color as when I recall the same memory when I am "up". Some times the memories can't be recalled at all. I have to work on the recall and manually change the saturation of the image in order to help change the depression to a more "up" state.
However there are depressions that this will not work. I have tried to fill the bleak images with color, when it works I feel a little relieved.
I am trying a new way to fight this disease. I am using photographs to help me remember the good times. When I look at the photos I can recapture the feeling of the moment, and can try to concentrate on every detail, to magnify the effect. This phenomenon is from NLP tapes that I ran across years ago when I studied hypnosis. Training the brain to avert attacks. Or fight back.
Right now I am waiting for more info from the Cyberonics folks. They are getting a surgeon lined up for my procedure. Neurologist I believe. I will be in touch with the insurance specialist nurse that the Cyberonics folks use as a way to deal with the prospective implanted patient.
So all for now.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com