Thursday, January 29, 2015

Nights of Terror: Days of Brain Fog

I am walking down a path that is untrodden. Not much data is known about switching from drugs to a VNS unit. A VNS unit simulates the brain to produce serotonin.

Messing with the levels of serotonin produces anything from terror dreams to deep depression. But the VNS device produces a strong shock directly to the brain. Drugs do it slower. It has been less than a month and I can see some results.

Terror dreams start about a week before a downfall. I am having them all night long now. Dreams of losing abilities such as simple brain functions and inability to do simple tasks such as using a phone to call for help. An inability to get help and foggy brain. As I go along the dreams usually get worse. They involve movement. Now I have a rail on the side of the bed to keep from rolling off and hurting myself.

I have a job to maintain. Terror dreams of the nature above do not seem much. But this is the start. I have a been there before. I want to feel somewhat in control. I will go slowly. I have two doctors on my case now. They have told me that they don't know much either. The company that makes the device no longer has the nurse I was working with in 2008.  Not knowing what I am getting into is also frightening. Last time, before two mental hospital stays, I did not know what was ahead. I really don't know now, but I have some inkling. I pray for God to lead me. And if you who are reading this are a praying individual please pray for me.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015


Yesterday while I was looking in my 'this drug doesn't work' bag I found some Latuda. When I looked in this blog I found no mention of Latuda. I would have brought this up to the doctor if I had remembered. That is what this blog is for. Arrrgh! That and spreading the word about how things effect me.

I am going to have the VNS (vagus nerve stimulator) device adjusted. Perhaps it will help me at this time. It seems not to work anyways. The adjustment will happen on the seventh. I will document it one way or the other. The last time I had it adjusted was right before my 2011 hospital stay. That stay was for mental health. I felt good for several days. But it was too strong because it caused increased appetite. I had to eat every hour even throughout the night. I had to eat or the metabolism caused me pain. I had to reduce the device down. We will see what it does this time. We will work at the adjustments more with more patience and perhaps it will, at 100 dollars a pop be adjusted correctly.

Monday, December 29, 2014

Latuda-Right for me?

I have started back on Latuda. I was having arthritis in both feet and read about it causing the problem. I called the doctor when that pain was also accompanied by breast pain.
She has written a script that would test my prolactin  levels. That test includes the serum levels. This will tell if it is the Latuda or something else.

Friday, December 19, 2014

Latuda effects

I was put on Latuda about 10 days ago. Now I keep wanting to move. I am up writing this because I want to move around constantly and typing seems to help. First it was my breasts that hurt as if I had eaten way to much caffeine. So the method of breast massage was employed. That seemed to help vastly. Anything to stop the misery and pain. Now the inability to stay still. I am waiting for the side effects to get worse.
I am waiting to go to the doctor for the VNS.  He is a neurologist and usually works with epileptics. I was not there since 2011 so I have to register as a new patient.  This is a pain. I should have taken better care to have it adjusted and watched. It was not bothering me, and I thought it wasn't working as it was supposed to so I let it go. I was neglectful about the matter. If it is not working, I should have it removed. That is cost prohibitive. The thing was put in in 2008 and has been turned on since. The battery was supposed to be working for only six years. So I expect it to stop any day. My level of usage was low grade, only a very small shock was used to stimulate the brain and create serotonin.  Perhaps the low level of stimulation will enable the battery to last longer.

I am back on effexor. I know that that drug was tolerated by me some time ago. As a matter of fact about three years ago. It seemed to work for a short time and then it quit. Same as the other drugs. I  have had about 18 different medications over the past 21 years. They work for a time then they peter out.

There is a strange phenomenon with depression. Unless the drug is working the right way memory is impaired, joy is also. I have very little memories of the day before. And if you were to ask me how the joy that I experienced was remembered there would be nothing there.  Nothing there, just a vague memory there. Not joy, and over time nothing. I can't remember what joy is about. That is pitiful now isn't it?

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Stress: The Common Enemy

From the web:
Blog from Linda:
I highly recommend Dr. Gabor Mate’s book called “When the Body Says No; Exploring the Stress Disease Connection”. This book is truly amazing. At first he goes into the chemistry of stress hormones and how they eat away at the gut. Then he goes much further. This book allowed me to see myself slightly differently. Just a more compassionate view of the child I was and who I am now really opened some doors of perception at just the right time. I recommend anyone suffering from autoimmune disease to read it. And also look him up on

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Your Brain and Its health

From the Web:
Your brain is the command and control center of your body. If you want a healthy body, the first place to ALWAYS start is by having a healthy brain.

9 Things that Enhance Our Brain

1. Positive Social Connections — the people you spend time with determine your health and longevity.
2. New Learning — when you stop learning your brain disconnects.
3. Diet — we either consume the nutrients that help us or the toxins that harm us, the SAD is associated with heart disease, cancer, diabetes, depression, ADD/ADHD, Alzheimer’s. Food is medicine or poison.
4. Sleep — essential for blood flow to the brain, without sleep there are very serious consequences.
5. Physical Exercise — acts like a natural wonder drug for the brain
6. Healthy Anxiety — for inspiration to change
7. Meditation/Prayer — calms stress, chronic stress restricts blood flow to the brain which lowers brain function and prematurely ages the brain
8. ANT Killing — don’t believe every stupid thought you have
9. Gratitude — write down 3 things you are grateful for every day and within 3 weeks you’ll notice significant difference in your level of happiness, this is the best anti-depressant

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Depression: The Great Imposter

When I heard that Robin Williams had died I wanted to write right away, wanted to make a statement. But I decided to wait for the comments of others to see if they could understand what he was going through. On a Fox News web page I ran across  the following information. Doctor Keith Ablow got it right when he wrote the following article click here.

The statements that he makes are, frankly, the best and most accurate description of depression that I have ever read.
I believe that I am going through the last of the most recent bout of the disease. I began to break it's hold on me when I inserted a phrase into the constant streaming negative comments running through my mind: these people around me are not thinking the same negative thoughts that I am thinking. I other words I worked on bringing myself back to reality. Over and over again I applied this to my thinking. Gradually reality would set in and I felt better.
As this was going on so was something else was as well and when I realized it and used it again and again reality again set in. The thing that was going on was that I realized that the time that I was enjoying laughing, feeling content, the depression ebbed. One might say, well of course! But it meant that I could control it. Just that realization set me to thinking. I said it over and over. Finally it started to work. I was fighting an Imposter. The negative thoughts (depression) were(are) the Imposter.
This is not all my own work. God had a lot to do with this pattern. I  see God as all powerful and would lay these negative thoughts on His back and realized that I would feel better. I knew the Bible was Holy and True. If the Bible said to do this, and It does, then He will follow through and take the negatives and turn them positive.
I find that one has to accept something as true and unassailable (unshakeable). To me that is God and His Word. Doubts will rise up, that is why the thought that God would help me had to be unshakeable. I realize that this pattern of thought is working. Yes, there are going to be lapses, but Hang on, strap yourself to the idea and use it time and again. It does work to break the depression. But to get to this place it am on a high level of drugs as well. But just the drugs alone were not enough to bring me to the current level of contentment.