New Medications are Upped

I went to see the psychiatrist and explained the dream and the continuing depression. I am now at 250 mg of Luvox 25 of anafranil .5 of risperdal. 300 welbutrin. Anafranil seems to quiet the ruminations and stops most of the depression, but I went off of it because it was not doing the whole job, and Dr. Saavedra thinks Luvox would do a more complete job.
Something she mentioned today is food for thought. I have a tendency for my imagination to blow things out of proportion and then I ruminate over them. If I could learn to leave things alone, to drop them and not ruminate, this would be a big step for me. I will have to learn to redirect my thoughts to other areas when I note ruminations coming on. Anything I do in this fight would help.

Thought Bubbles: Unexpected Blessings

I WAS UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WHEN A FRIEND SENT THIS   




GOD SPEAKS

The woman whispered, "God, speak to me" and a meadowlark sang.

But, the woman did not hear.

So the woman yelled, "God, speak to me" and the thunder rolled across the sky.

But, the woman did not listen. The woman looked around and said, "God let me see you." And a star shined brightly. But the woman did not see. And, the woman shouted, "God show me a miracle." And, a life was born. But, the woman did not notice. So, the woman cried out in despair, "Touch me God, and let me know you are here." Whereupon, God reached down and touched the woman. But, the woman brushed the butterfly away . and walked on. I found this to be a great reminder that God is always around us in the little and simple things that we take for granted ... even in our electronic age.. So I would like to add one more: The woman cried, "God, I need your help!" And an e-mail arrived reaching out with good news and encouragement. But, the woman deleted it and continued crying . Don't miss out on a blessing because it isn't packaged the way that you expect.  Have A Beautiful Day! With God, All Things Are Possible. Mark 10:27

Nightmares Again (Ultra Loud Sigh)

I am known for extremely active motion while sleeping. Once asleep. I have fallen out of bed this morning and my husband found me trying to get into the closet. In the dream I was trying to get out of my childhood bedroom in our old family home.
I had a visit from my mother today. I view this dream as a cry to get out of the caretaker role that I am in with her. I view the responsibility of caring for her as part of the depression that I am in. That sounds selfish, but the subconscious does not care it just wants out. I want to get out of the depression and I view any responsibility that takes attention away from trying to heal myself as taking away from me. From my health. That is one reason I ended up in a mental hospital late last year.
But I can't give up the care of a 91 year old that needs me. So I have nightmares instead. Makes sense to my waking mind. To my subconscious mind, which is just trying to protect me, it makes sense to run way and shirk the responsibility of her care. I can understand what is going on. How does one take care of the situation when one loves one's own mother?and subconsciously one wants to stop the stress that is part of the cause of the problem? Ultra loud sigh (Again)  

Low Again

I have been on Luvox for about three weeks and reducing the anafranil. I feel really low right now. I usually don't try the share the low points of this depression in order not bring others to the same point. It is to record how I feel at what point with what medications so that in the future I will make some process on this journey.
Frankly, I do not remember if after twenty years whether or not I have taken this drug before. I would remember if I have kept a blog that long ago.
I am having problems with welbutrin. I believe that it is making the sole of my right foot sore. Medications at present are

• Luvox at two hundred
• Risperdal at .5x2 per day
• Welbutrin at three hundred a day

I am also on singular and claritin as well for allergies. Sometimes I feel that what I am going through with the allergies is affected by the high anxiety I am having. Sometimes I am so fearful of accidents on the road that riding with another person driving is beginning to get on my nerves. Can't let that happen, will lose job.

Another Night

The psychiatrist upped the strength of the Luvox to 200 mg. The Horror Dreams have stopped. Most of the healthy habits that I have developed over the past two years are down the drain as I rebel against a life style that reminds me of compulsive and obsessive behavior patterns. This is not good for the other aliments that plaque me. I am angry that I have given up most everything in the line of food that was fun to eat in fear that I was allergic to it. And somehow that the depression was linked to the allergic reaction. I am constantly wanting a reason for the depression. I think that is logical, but it isn't when you deal with a scatalogical disease like this depression.

• There is a song written with these lyrics that talk of God: You must think I am strong to give me what I am going through. It keeps running through my head these days.

Nightmares on Luvox

Since going on Luvox at it's maximum strength for me (which is 150 mg a day) I have been having nightmares. Just disturbing dreams. Nothing that leaves images past awakening. Instead it leaves feelings of fear itself. I find that to write about it dispenses the fears somewhat and gives me a mirror to see just what the night tears(terrors) are. They seem to be images of unknown fears.
This seems to happen many times when I change medications.
Something that FDR said. 'We have nothing to fear but fear itself.' I agree with that. I dance with sleep. Sometimes a waltz, sometimes the mamba. Thoughts are rambling and sleep is stalking me. To let go of the fear is more than half of the battle. I picture a huge fist opening up and the fingers radiating like the spokes of a bicycle wheel. The fear is the fist, releasing the fear is when the hand relaxes and the fingers radiate. I am a small person dropping through the fingers, dropping- hitting the ground and rebounding. Standing up, fists on hips, feet about a foot apart. Ready to do battle again. Battle with perceived fears. Note the word perceived.......

Medication Dip

In the search to find the right med combination, I am frequently dealing with inadequate levels of the drugs that would slow down the rampant anxiety that I seem to have most of the time. This morning is not so bad and I can create which produces serotonin and that stabilizes me. That is the saving grace of creation, that it does produce directly the one chemical that I need, serotonin, Right now I am going up on Luvox and down on anafranil. Here are to other drugs that I am on right now:    

• Risperdal at .5 mg two times a day, morning and night.
• Wellbutrin at 300 mg once a day, morning
• Luvox, eventually a 150 once a day
• Anafranil at 25 mg once in the morning
• Claritin at 10 mg 
• Singular at 10 mg

So since the hospital visit late 2011 I have been on six different meds and am still trying to find the right  combination. I really do not think that one is available for me and this condition. But at least I am getting some relief from the above combination. I can tell, besides the anxiety and depression when the drugs are working. Dreams are different and my lower jaw is more relaxed and I am more alert.

This morning I feel like writing. I am writing a novel along the lines of an Indiana Jones plot. It is a good mental exercise and creative as well. It is the easiest way to get serotonin in the brain quickly.
Then there is sculpture. I have a bent with caricatures and I love to see them in the 3D versions in my head. So to anyone searching to manage the depression or anxiety that you are having, try being creative and lessen up on that critical eye you might have and enjoy what ever you can create whether cooking, photography, writing, sculpture. It doesn't matter the quality of the product that you create, it is the process of creating that matters. Do not be critical of what you create, it is the process of creating that is the medicine here.