Trying to Talk to Friend

I am documenting my dealing with depression in order to let others know just what this disease is about and how other people in my circle deal with what I tell them. I mention that I have had a medication failure. And my friends know that this occurs about once a year. I have a "down" time. This is a time of intense deep depression and frustration. A period of why is it here again, what can I do to stop it. I think that I have some part of depression always. I don't have memories that are incensed with pleasure. In fact my memory is so bad that I can't remember much of what happens from day to day. People say, that memory problems are experienced by every one. But I can not remember pleasurable things when the depression is at its deepest. And if I remember anything, on a day to day level, pleasure is not at all intense.
On to other's reactions. My Christian friend, Annie, says that I am at fault by not trusting God enough. I must trust Him to heal me in His own time. I should get involved with others and my own problems will seem small as I open myself to others. Well, this is good advice, but when I look at no motivation, no energy, and a black pit surrounding me, it gets harder.
On the other extreme, the other friend, who is bi-polar, Vanessa, says that how can I do anything, I am depressed. Period. She has at least suffered the depression that I have.
But I do not want to wear it as a badge. But everyday comes the challenge to do my best.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Now the Battle Starts

I finally got in touch with the Cyberonics(the Vagus Nerve Stimulation) people this afternoon. I got the information to start the process. I need to get a form that is called an IVEA form. IVEA means Insurance Verification Educational Authorization. This form is provided to doctors to get the process started. Then the Cyberonics people will go to bat and deal with the insurance. The insurance will more than likely deny the payment for the implant, but they will take care of fighting the insurance company. It may take one or two years to get the implant. But I have had to take medications for fourteen years and probably will have to take them for the rest of my life. Perhaps getting this implant will stabilize the downward spiral that the depression has taken. I keep relating to it as an implant. It is a device much like a pacemaker and is used to stimulate the left vagus nerve that runs up the side of the neck. The powerhouse of the system is a disc about the size of a pacemaker and implanted in the chest in the same area. This disc holds the battery that supplies the electricity to stimulate the nerve. This nerve goes deep into the brain where the sites for pleasure and happiness are located. When stimulated it produces pleasure. To a person that can't even remember a happy event on their own, this is a miracle. On the average day I have a hard time remembering a pleasant feeling, when a medication fails, I can not even make myself think a happy thought. So now the process begins.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Trying to connect with Cyberonics

I have some interesting things to note about trying to connect to the Cyberonics company.These are the people that have the Vagus Nerve Stimulation (VNS) Therapy that I have been investigating. I called the number off the internet and constantly the message would ask me to redial the number that I had just called. When I looked up the company's main number and got in touch with an operator, I found out that the person responsible for my part of Orlando was on vacation. Then I left a message on a another representative's voice mail. The voice mail promised me a return call in 48 hours. That did not happen either. The phone number I got from my doctor turned out to be answered by a "Rachel", not a Cyberonics company rep. Now, just minutes ago I tried to contact the Cyberonics people again and the phone system just shuts off. Meanwhile the extra dosage of Cymbalta (now 90 mil),which the doctor gave me is making me a bit more creative and "floaty".

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Thought Bubbles: Little Tricks

I have to thought watch more. It's a process whereby thoughts that need to be changed are called on the carpet and forced to defend themselves. If the thought can't be reasoned with, and it has no basis, it must leave, being replaced by a hopefully happier thought. Eventually the thought and its accompanying depression disappear. At this point it is a head game. But if persistent, it works. And cleans up the clutter in the brain. The fight for happy day to day living is a fight that goes on each and every day. I don't expect a manic type happiness, just a more up position to deal with the things that come my way. Another kind of "trick" is a thing called The Sedona Method . The main basis of the therapy is to picture your problem as an object in your hand and that you have let it go, and it has dropped away from you.You do this until the problem is cut away and is no longer a part of you. They have a website www.thesedonamethod.com.  This works. But one must again be persistent. This release of the past is also a part of Christianity's forgiveness of sins. But with Christianity Jesus is with you always. Which solves the empty pit inside. Hebrews 13:5

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

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Reseach and Comments

I have gone to a search engine and am now seeing what others are saying about treatments. Having done this a million times before, my eyes glaze over.

What if you have been on 15 different medications, some in combinations, and still the depression lingers? Natural things don't work, except exercise. That tends to work almost right away. 5HTP, fish oil, massive vitamin C, massive calcium, trials with zinc, copper, magnesium, vitamins A, B, and D, E separately and combined all have been tried. So has thyroid medication. The thyroid medication has had a good effect. But it too has not been my savior. I have been tested for mineral and vitamin deficiency. Nada. It also could be a condition call Wilson's Syndrome. I have been waiting to try the supplements, but it is costly, not being covered by insurance. Sometimes I have to look at this as challenge, a work of detection. Writing about it does many things: clears my head of the anger and frustration of it all. Teaches me how to be articulate about the problem. And, as I try these treatments I will document the effects, (which I have tried to do before) and maybe, just maybe, these records will help me or others searching for what combination will work.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Trying to recover

The nurse practitioner doubled my paxil dose. In doing so the prescription was kicked back from the insurance. This has happened so often over the years, and I still get frustrated about it. All that I want to have is a way to get to the medicines in a discounted way ( insurance coverage). I just want sanity (NON-DEPRESSION) and to be dependent on a medication to have it is so, so, so, belittling. But thank God that they are there. I have been further researching the VNS therapy and have determined to watch it, and see if the results get better. If the insurance covers it, well, I would be willing to try it. I ordered the book
Out of the Pit by Charles E. Donovan III which should give me some insight into the procedure that is involved.
I have decided to investigate magnetic therapy as well. Something has got to be in place to level out the changes that occur when a medication fails. I will write about thyroid medications soon.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

VNS Therpy for Depression

I am beginning to look into Vagus Nerve Stimulation for my depression. Today I tried to call the Cyberonics Corp. to get more information on their device. I am fed up with the run around with the antidepressants that I am on. When they are changed constantly because they are not working, I am unable to deal with the decisions necessary to take charge of my depression. Aetna, the ever present watchdog of the medicine cabinet does not let me have what I need when I need it. They deny the increase that is prescribed, and I am left out in the cold. I feel so cheated. Cheated of the dignity of being mentally competent to deal with fighting the insurance. I would be forever in debt to any procedure that would let me stand tall and drug free. But because I can't do that because of the nature of the disease, I remain frustrated. Pause: Stop, think, live.
Every day I fight. I fight my own mind. As I write this I keep thinking to even mention this problem to myself, or to others, has become boring, passe and nerve wracking. Depression sucks. But hey! There is always the fight, the fight to remain suicidal thought free. I want to try anything, or procedure that is available that would let me have a deep feeling of true joy and is legal. Also it would have to work on my memory. I have very few memories of joy. I have a good life, and I am treated well by all around me, but my mind treats me like a piece of crap.  Hey enough already, I am bored with myself.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Life at Work

Everything in my life seems to center around "THE JOB". And as this takes place in a special place I touch the souls of thousands of guests a year.
It is, of course a major theme park here in Orlando. But what I do is create a silhouette of that guest that they will have for---for ever. I like the job, but not all that goes with it.
But it does give me the chance to create. I have created two children's books that have come from ideas that I have thought of as I await guests.
I also suffer from depression and that also rules my life and I have created ways to combat that ongoing, never ceasing pain. I will lay those ideas out as I go along.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com