What Wiki pedia says

Just shortly ago my doctor diagnosed me with mood disorder. Shortly before that it was OCD both faces of one disease. This depression has more than one face. In fact many faces. When people tell you to snap out of it and you can, that probably is 'the blues'. Not to be laughed at in itself the 'blues' are a minor form of what I have, and many others have. This form of depression can not be snapped out of.

It is major depression associated with anxiety. But there are ways to use to help one survive.
But back to what the title of this blog.

Specific treatments for depressive disorder

Many forms of treatment are available. Treatments may include cognitive-behavioral therapy, music therapy, art therapy, group therapy, psychotherapy, animal-assisted therapy (also known as pet therapy), physical exercise, medicines such as antidepressants, and keeping a gratitude journal. A more holistic approach is required to address the problem of depression and mood disorder.

I have not tried cognitive-behaioral therapy, but all others. The blog is a gratitude journal, a record of medical things going on with me dealing with the depression. The VNS has not helped me as I thought it would. But I think brain stimulation in some what will help. The VNS does work somewhat, but not to the freeing from the depression.

Soothing yourself in depression

I got an email from a friend for me to look at this:

Press the “stop” button on negative mental tapes. Do you catch yourself ruminating on the worst that could happen (“The insurance company won’t pay, my friends won’t help and I’ll wind up living on the street”)? Replace that “awfulizing” refrain in your head with a more realistic scenario (“My premiums are paid and I can stay with my cousin while my home is being repaired”). Also, remind yourself of a past challenge that you faced successfully as you inwardly repeat the mantra, “I survived that, so I can survive this, too.” As a physical reminder, write your mantra on an index card and stick it in your pocket—then take it out and read it whenever negative thoughts threaten to overwhelm you.
Trim your to-do list. The idea is to make the rest of your life as stress-free as possible while you concentrate on the big challenge at hand. Cancel or postpone obligations that add to your burden…request that family and friends make fewer demands on your time, at least temporarily…take a mental-health day off from work if you can. There will be certain things you can’t let go of, of course—but you can always find some wiggle room in your schedule.
Be as kind to yourself as you would to a loved one. “It’s common to focus on our own flaws while ignoring our strong points, then berate ourselves inwardly for our weaknesses,” Dr. Block noted. To halt that stress-expanding habit, speak to yourself in the third person, showering yourself with the same care and compassion that you would show to a troubled friend. Example: Rather than chiding yourself to “stop being a big baby,” tell yourself, “Life is hard just now, so it’s OK to feel unsettled. Remember that you have many fine qualities—strength, persistence, intelligence—that will help you through.” Then close your eyes and visualize yourself moving through your struggle successfully, utilizing your wealth of inner resources.
Source: Joel Block, PhD, is a senior psychologist at Long Island Jewish Medical Center in New Hyde Park, New York and an assistant clinical professor of psychology/psychiatry at the Hofstra North Shore-LIJ School of Medicine in Hempstead, New York. He also is the author of more than 20 books, including Saving My Life: A Least Likely to Succeed Success Story. www.DrBlock.com

Mood Disorder

Since last writing I have been given the go ahead to try lamictal. It is a drug that I am severely thankful for. It melts on your tongue and so it is in your system far sooner than any other drug that I have been on. I am also on abilify and wellbutrin.
My psychiatrist says it is a mood disorder, but did not mention bipolar. Maybe it is not as severe as the latter. But it is helping me to get things off my chest and calm things down emotionally and give me some peace. I am now not so anxious about my putting my foot down about certain things and not to much ruminating on it afterward. The things have bothered me emotionally for some time. As I am feeling less anxious about things in general, I feel that it has helped me greatly to have this drug. 

Thought Bubbles: Aristotle

                           We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit. — Aristotle

Has anyone ever applied this to depression? If we practice the depression, each and every day, then we become excellent at what we do. Depression is as much a physical thing as a mental thing. If I fill my mind with it in the morning, gripping about this or that,  then the rest of the day I head down that path. The day is no different than the day before no matter what happens. It is you and your reactions to your situation that rule you. Keep your thoughts as near to doing your chores, work, spiritual things, and realize that you are the one that controls what goes on in your mind. Kick the depression to the curb as best you can. Kick it a little more each day. There will be a day that comes where when the depression occurs that you will automatically kick it to the curb. Then you will see that you will become excellent at defeating the monster within.

Risperdal

I am having dreams in which I am very active, talking or moving. The dreams are about escape, running in fear away from something that fills me with terror.  But I do stand and fight.  I have awoke with the words 'CHECK YOUR WEAPONS' coming from my lips. 

I have for years clenched and ground my teeth, and I wear a teeth guard. I have begun picking at sores on my thighs and buttocks. I pick my ears most of each day. These are nervous anxious habits.

I wake up early in the morning  and  when I get past that drowsy stage I write. On my current book, or on what is happening to me. Then as I get tired I slowly sink back asleep.

I have my highest anxiety when I am at work and when I am driving to and from anywhere.

There is a burning in my chest at first.  I counter with a deep breathing exercise. After a while of this anxiety the depression comes on. Some times I can control it through the deep breathing, but that is getting harder to do.  Typical scenes that appear in my imagination are things akin to dogs biting me, relatives or myself having a road accident. 

Last night I went to bed depressed, and am now struggling with not going deeper into the depression. At least at this time I am not overly critical about it, that this whole situation is my fault. I did that for years. When I get into that mode I suffer the most. 

Dreams

I can usually tell when the drugs I am taking are either not the right strength, or are not working. I have awoke to dreams that seem terror filled. And yet the actual subject matter is benign . I wake up to feelings of It has happened again.
At three in the morning I awake. Again I am trying to use suggestions, positive affirmations to help de-program my overly tired brain. I am trying to come off of Colonapren and down on risperdal simultaneously . Not a great picture.  Half a sleep when I write, but do so anyway to get angst out about the early risings .
I have restless movement of trunk and legs as well . Try to sleep, does not relieve the problem.  Seems to me that this was the same problem the last time.
The the naggings of the Chiropractor come to mind. Put anything into the body and you affect it's normal function.

I decided very shortly afterward that I would go back up on the tranquilizer and the risperdal. I am  happier, less frightened, though I still go through bouts of anxiety. It is as if my brain once it has walked down the path of anxiety and depression has trained itself to run down that path when I am reacting to most anything. But there are certain things that trigger it more than other things.
Travel, especially in cars, and working doing my job. Both things I have done all my life. So what is it? The psychiatrist says that I need to have my mind filled with creative happy thoughts. When driving I am better when distracted with singing with the radio or just listening to it. When it is slow at work is when the anxiety is worse.

Thought Bubbles: Holley Gerth says it Again!

I think that God has sent this lady to help many. Here are her words

On the way to a crazy 50 mile bike ride with my husband I text back and forth with my wonderful friend. Our conversation sounds kinda like this: Me: Why am I doing this? Friend: I have no idea. Me: Because I like a challenge? Because my hubby wants me to? Because there will be free snacks along the route? I can’t put my finger on the motivation. I turn from texting to the screen of my Kindle. These words from Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard jump off the page at me… “We essentially ask ourselves three questions when we have a decision to make: Who am I? What kind of situation is this? What would someone like me do in this situation?” –Chip and Dan Heath We think we make decisions based on facts and rational thinking. It turns out a lot of times our decisions are based on our identities–both who we believe we are now and who we aspire to be in the future. I was doing that 50 mile bike ride because I wanted to be the kind of wife who does stuff like that with her husband. Huh. That identity push was powerful enough to get me up at the crack of dawn and take me through 50 miles of riding. Why does understanding this matter? Because it means if our identity is based on untruth then we will make decisions that are out of line with God’s best for us. If I believe I’m someone with nothing to offer then I’ll hold back. If I believe my life doesn’t have a purpose then I’ll be more likely to live without intention. If I believe God should have made me different than I will be hesitant to use the strengths and gifts He’s placed within me. On the other hand… If I believe I’m who God has created me to be and He’s given me what I need to accomplish all He’s called me to do then I will make decisions that move me forward in His purpose for my life. Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. Heb. 12:1-2 What hinders us? Often it’s what we believe about who we are. Do we all struggle with this? Of course. And we will until the day we’re home in heaven forever. But we can stand at the starting line of a new day together and say, “This is who God says I am. And because of that, I will be different today.” Let’s persevere in our race, friend. Are you ready to move forward together? You just finished reading Why who you think you are matters ! Consider leaving a comment! Would you like to subscribe by email? {yep, it's free} Book: You're Already Amazing {e}coaching: I'm the girl to know when you're ready to grow.

ACCEPTANCE IS HARD

Since going on Abilify insomnia is a constant companion. I messed up and took a tranquilizer at the wrong time of day at the wrong dosage. In an effort to get some 'useful' time out of the day, I took a risperdal in the late after noon. WRONG! Thing to do. 36 hours later my body is still messed up. 
The risperdal caused insomnia, causing over tiredness causing a weakness that started an anxiety attack. 
When the attack happens, it is not a panic attack. It starts with a feeling in the chest that feels like heartburn. If I start in with slow deep breaking the anxiety can be delayed. If I start with this(anxiety) in the morning by early afternoon I will have depression. The chemicals in anxiety will push the brain into depression.
I think that I am developing agoraphobia. I am safe inside the house,that is if the house doesn't fall in on me. But safer here than all the other places and scenarios in my life. I still dwell and ruminate on horrific (at least to me) things. 
The Chiropractor says that my atlas bone is severely out of place. It is twisted and possibly tilted. We do not know if this is from the 5/5/11 accident or if I had it before. No x rays at that angle to determine that were taken before the accident. The X-rays before the accident were taken at a certain angle, not the angles of these latests shots. That is the difference. I can not prove that the accident has worsened the depression through external tests, but it did and has.. But I signed a waiver and can't get any more money. Acceptance of the way that this disease effects me is the worse part of this disease right now. 

True Inner Happiness is Rare

In the search for what will make me happy, I have done many things. (Don't we all). But I don't mean just material things, even spiritual things, I mean I want to laugh. Over silly things. It seems that that doesn't happen very often. A really deep sense of happiness and silliness. I did have a small amount last night. Listening to silly ringtones. I was laughing like crazy!  Serotonin was surging and for about an hour I was silly/happy. I think with all the stress in today's world and the seriousness of the state of things more silly things are called for. Not demeaning, just let loose silly things.

I have to learn to let go, and back off of ruminating thoughts. This is after 9 months on medications. and eight different ones at that. Any thought can become ruminating. Most are negative, and full of anxiety. But if I can just dwell on the words "Drop it and back off!" The feeling of control of the thoughts empowers me. Even just a little bit. So if I can replace the thoughts with silly things on intention, it does help.

Writing is a therapy for depression

I have found that the journaling of my experience with the VNS and depression is in itself therapy. This latest mix of drugs and doing my creative things has given me more serotonin  and other calming brain chemicals. I have been writing some novelettes about an archeologist an her beaux who is in the same business as she. Just to put words to the keyboard and letting things flow keeps my mind off of the anxiety and depression. Replaces the negative with adventure, with other's thoughts, with others problems and then I solve them. Something, the solving part, I have not been able to do very successfully in my own fight with anxiety and depression. It seems that I am developing a type of agoraphobia. just another face of the sickness.

In the mix!

It seems that the mixture of all the drugs seems to be slowly working. I am more productive in the artwork, writing and blogging. I have a good level of energy through out the day for projects in the evening and in the mornings as well. A reminder of what the mixture is here
http://draft.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=3729535059627039435#editor/target=post;postID=137343103729171494
I realize that I go up and down in this battle. I am not bipolar, just that I go in and out of depression. Certainly as well in anxiety, It is just that when I am up I have several projects I would like to do.
Projects in art , writing and sculpture (see last post!)

The Abilify is working.

The last time I took Abilify I suffered greatly from the sleeplessness. But now it seems that I am doing fine. Creativity has really blossomed and I am sculpting. I am organizing an-epub. for IBooks for the Children's Historical Fiction Nick Anderson:Timeflyer  the American Revoloution. Then I will go to Amazon to do a Kindle version in color.

nickanderson@gmail.com

And I have started to write again I and am almost ready to publish it and do so to IBooks. Three novelettes. The third one is being written right now.
They are about an archeologist that suffers from anxiety and depression.

I have to do these things while I am "up" 

which usually lasts just a few months.

Some are projects that have taken months to get to 

this stage. And when I am capable  of doing it, up enough I go hell

bent for leather.

Kinda a Catch 22. Work hard, stress, then depression. This time I have a new

doctor and perhaps with her knowledge I will remain up longer this time.

I have the VNS implant as well as 5 different medication for the depression.

One other thing!

Hitch Hiking Ghosts!

I am bloging about the artwork that I do at a local Orlando theme park. Some of the work is for sale at this famous World class park. And all my work will be for sale on

www.thesilhouetteshop.blogspot.com

jkmatthews@cfl.rr.com

New Drugs

Current Drugs
Abilify at 2.5 mg
Luvox at 300 mg
wellbutin at 300 mg
clonazepam at .5 mg
risperdal 2.5

I am going to try abilify again. I told Saavedra that I had trouble last time, just a few months ago.

Alpha lipoic acid: treatment for depression

Abstract

Insulin resistance has been associated with people diagnosed with depression. Conversely, it has also been documented that diabetics have an increased risk of depression. Evidence suggests that insulin activity plays a role in serotonergic activity by increasing the influx of tryptophan into the brain. This increased influx of tryptophan has been shown to result in an increase in serotonin synthesis. In accordance with the serotonin theory of depression, it may be possible to treat depression by increasing insulin activity. The antioxidant alpha lipoic acid has been shown to increase insulin sensitivity and is used to treat people with diabetes. Therefore, the nutrient alpha lipoic acid should be clinically tested as an adjunct treatment for depression.

Source: Click Here

Alpha-Lipoic Acid is a fat soluble antioxidant and protects nerves from free radical damage. Generally, 100 - 300 mg per day is enough to be of benefit.

Source: Click Here

Reactive Hypoglycemia

Reactive hypoglycemia (or alimentary hypoglycemia) is low blood sugar that occurs after a meal — usually one to three hours after eating. Low blood sugar (hypoglycemia) usually occurs while fasting. Signs and symptoms of reactive hypoglycemia may include hunger, weakness, shakiness, sleepiness, lightheadedness, anxiety and confusion.

Reactive hypoglycemia is often difficult to diagnose, because it's possible to have symptoms that are similar to reactive hypoglycemia without actually having the condition. Generally, a medical evaluation is done to determine whether symptoms are caused by low blood sugar — and whether symptoms resolve once blood sugar returns to normal. Further evaluation of reactive hypoglycemia depends on the severity of signs and symptoms.

For the majority of people, reactive hypoglycemia usually doesn't require medical treatment. It may help to pay attention to the timing and composition of your meals:

• Eat several small meals and snacks throughout the day, no more than three hours apart.
• Eat a well-balanced diet including lean and nonmeat sources of protein and high-fiber foods including whole grains, fruit and vegetables.
• Avoid or limit sugary foods, especially on an empty stomach.
• Be sure to eat food if you're consuming alcohol and avoid using sugary soft drinks as mixers.

For some, particularly those who have had intestinal surgery (gastric bypass or surgery for the management of ulcer disease) further evaluation by a doctor may be warranted, but dietary changes are still recommended.

It's also important to include physical activity in your daily routine.

The above is from here

Stevia, Hypoglycemia, Low blood sugar

Browsing through the internet, I came across these statements:
"I would be careful about using stevia for hypoglycemia, depending on the causes. Stevia is traditionally used to treat diabetes because it raises your insulin levels. But, for those who are hypoglycemic because their insulin levels are already too high (like myself) could be sabotaging themselves. Also raised insulin levels affect all your other hormones, raising them across the board, which, if you are a woman, can be very bad, leading to polycystic ovaries."
Clicking on this link will get you to the source 

One staple in natural, sugar free baking pantries is stevia, an herb native to South America and used as an alternative, healthy sweetener. Stevia does not raise blood sugar levels, as it has no carbohydrates (or calories, unless fillers are added, like dextrose or maltodextrin). Stevia does, however, raise insulin levels, which can be good, or bad.

clicking on this link will get to the source

What should my blood sugar levels look like if I’m in control?

The American Diabetes Association (ADA) recommends the following guidelines for blood glucose levels for most patients with type 2 diabetes:

Before meals or upon waking:	2 hours after the start of a meal:
70 - 130 mg/dl clicking on this link will get to the source	< 180 mg/dL (less than 180 mg/dl)

This is Janet again. A reader sent me this email link dealing with hypoglycemia:

click here

Diet and supplements for hypoglycemia

Hypoglycemia: reversible? Click here

Insulin Resistance

From the Hypoglycemic Health Association Of Australia:

OCD is a sub-class of anxiety attacks. Both OCD and anxiety attacks are marked by excess adrenaline production mainly caused by unstable blood sugar levels that can easily be tested by medical tests, such as the test for hypoglycemia as explained here.

The real question is why is the body overproducing adrenaline and at the wrong time and circumstances? The answer lies in the the function of adrenaline. Adrenaline apart from being a fight/flight hormone is also a hormone that converts sugar stores in the body (glycogen) into glucose. (See image) Glucose is the brain’s major source of energy. It requires about 70% of glucose to fuel the biochemical machinery of brain cells. Without that energy brain cells will soon die. Thus whenever the brain senses energy starvation it will trigger the release of adrenaline so as to feed the brain again with energy. For the effects of insulin resistance on the body see here.

The next question is: why is the brain starved of energy with all that sugar being consumed in our society?

The reason is that a person may have a physical disorder that prevents the conversion of sugar sources in food (carbohydrates) into biological energy called ATP. That energy is essential in the production of feel good (relaxing) neuro-chemicals, such as serotonin. Without it we will feel anxious, insecure, in danger and panicky without knowing why.

This is usually the case when a person suffers from Insulin Resistance. Insulin Resistance is usually associated with the development of Diabetes Type II. Most doctors can test this, but they appear to have problems testing for pre-diabetic insulin resistance, because they have not been trained for this. We have a test for hypoglycemia at our web site. This condition is called “The Hypoglycemic Syndrome” which is characterized by unstable blood sugar levels, going up and down. Unstable blood sugar levels, due to insulin resistance, causes the body to release stress hormones, such as adrenaline and cortisol. Whenever there is a sudden drop in brain sugar levels, adrenaline kicks in to attempt the redress the imbalance. One immediate remedy to stabilize blood sugar levels is by taking Glycerine as one tablespoon mixed in glass of water and mixed with a dash of lemonade to improve taste.

Thus now we have an explanation how excess adrenaline can cause OCD, and for that matter many other so-called “mental” illnesses.

Allergic reaction: Adrenals

From what I understand when you eat what you are allergic to adrenaline is pumped into your system. Same thing with stress be it emotional or physical, adrenals are called into action. Now from what I have been reading,  too much adrenaline can cause anxiety. The anxiety can cause OCD which will lead to depression. Anxiety and depression are linked chemically in the brain. When too much anxiety occurs the brain kicks it over to depression.
Now let us go on from there. If one has hypoglycemia which is low blood sugar the adrenals are constantly turned on to give one energy one usually gets from normal blood sugar. So one has to monitor what one eats and eat high protein and low glycemic fruits and vegetables. About every two hours. No caffeine either. Screen out the foods one is allergic to.

Screen out the foods one is allergic to.

OCD : Subclass of Anxiety

OCD is a sub-class of anxiety attacks. Both OCD and anxiety attacks are marked by excess adrenaline production mainly caused by unstable blood sugar levels that can easily be tested by medical tests, such as the test for hypoglycemia as explained here.

The real question is why is the body overproducing adrenaline and at the wrong time and circumstances? The answer lies in the the function of adrenaline. Adrenaline apart from being a fight/flight hormone is also a hormone that converts sugar stores in the body (glycogen) into glucose. (See image) Glucose is the brain’s major source of energy. It requires about 70% of glucose to fuel the biochemical machinery of brain cells. Without that energy brain cells will soon die. Thus whenever the brain senses energy starvation it will trigger the release of adrenaline so as to feed the brain again with energy. For the effects of insulin resistance on the body see here.

My Psychiatrist said that I will have a bout with OCD then go into depression. If I drink  a protein drink  with complex carbs, than I feel much better. In my case I will drink about six tablespoons of protein drink every two hours, keeping my sugar a bit higher and I will kill the depression. I had low blood sugar. Not in all the years that I have had this problem and all the psychiatrists that I had, not one suggested to eat protein  and complex carbs for depression. But if one or ones family has hypoglycemia  then one should put oneself on this regime  to see if it works. Did it yesterday, and I felt great all day. Remember the protein drink can not be high in sugar. That would defeat the purpose.

Hypoglycemic Problems Could cause OCD

I have been noticing that I have worse OCD symptoms when I drink caffeinated drinks, or eat highly sugary fruits-bananas. Simple carbs slow me down. Drops in blood sugar will trigger an adrenaline response. This will trigger anxiety, and then go into depression.
One should take the time to review the information at this website: click here and here

The Australians are up to par on info on this subject. And I respect their knowledge.
Check out their suggestions for a diet:

In brief the nutritional treatment of the hypoglycemic condition consists of:

1) Avoidance of sugar, coffee, strong tea, nicotine if possible, refined carbohydrates, such as white bread, white rice, cakes and sugary drinks, candy bars, colas, cookies, ice cream sweetish fruits such as bananas, grapefruit, melons, honey and dates (these fruits may be reintroduced at a later stage in moderation) etc.

2) High protein + complex carbohydrates snacks every three hours or sooner, to provide a slow release of glucose, and to prevent the hypoglycemic dip. A high protein breakfast must be considered the most important meal of the day. Good sources of proteins are eggs, white meat as in chicken and fish. Eat plenty of green vegetables and fruits and the more varied the diet the better it is.

3) Supplementation of diet with Anti-stress vitamin B-Complex tablets, including vitamin B6, B3, B12, chromium picolinate, magnesium, zinc + Vitamin C, and fishoil (omega-3 fatty acids), vitamin D. For a fuller list of nutrients, deficiency of which can be responsible for mood disorders see: R Hemat, 165 See 6 studies in support of omega-3 fatty acids for Depression and Bipolar Disorder.

4) Other supplements that could slow down the absorption of glucose (thereby avoiding blood sugar peaks and the release of stress hormones) are: Psyllium Seeds Husks (1 tbsp per day), Glucomannan including pectin (follow instructions on bottle), Grapefruit and Cinnamon. Also see “Herbs with Hypoglycemic Effects “ at:Research Evidence for Hypoglycemia

The Hypoglycemic diet aims at normalizing blood sugar levels, thereby normalizing stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol, that are thought to be responsible for the symptoms of mood-swings, depression, anxiety, phobias, alcoholism and drug-addiction.
Such a diet needs to be adjusted to the individual needs and nutritional biochemistry. It needs to take into account the influence of allergies.

I was doing a heck of a lot better when I did a diet like this. I also need to pay attention to eating every three hours and see what that does for me.

New Medications are Upped

I went to see the psychiatrist and explained the dream and the continuing depression. I am now at 250 mg of Luvox 25 of anafranil .5 of risperdal. 300 welbutrin. Anafranil seems to quiet the ruminations and stops most of the depression, but I went off of it because it was not doing the whole job, and Dr. Saavedra thinks Luvox would do a more complete job.
Something she mentioned today is food for thought. I have a tendency for my imagination to blow things out of proportion and then I ruminate over them. If I could learn to leave things alone, to drop them and not ruminate, this would be a big step for me. I will have to learn to redirect my thoughts to other areas when I note ruminations coming on. Anything I do in this fight would help.

Thought Bubbles: Unexpected Blessings

I WAS UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WHEN A FRIEND SENT THIS   




GOD SPEAKS

The woman whispered, "God, speak to me" and a meadowlark sang.

But, the woman did not hear.

So the woman yelled, "God, speak to me" and the thunder rolled across the sky.

But, the woman did not listen. The woman looked around and said, "God let me see you." And a star shined brightly. But the woman did not see. And, the woman shouted, "God show me a miracle." And, a life was born. But, the woman did not notice. So, the woman cried out in despair, "Touch me God, and let me know you are here." Whereupon, God reached down and touched the woman. But, the woman brushed the butterfly away . and walked on. I found this to be a great reminder that God is always around us in the little and simple things that we take for granted ... even in our electronic age.. So I would like to add one more: The woman cried, "God, I need your help!" And an e-mail arrived reaching out with good news and encouragement. But, the woman deleted it and continued crying . Don't miss out on a blessing because it isn't packaged the way that you expect.  Have A Beautiful Day! With God, All Things Are Possible. Mark 10:27

Nightmares Again (Ultra Loud Sigh)

I am known for extremely active motion while sleeping. Once asleep. I have fallen out of bed this morning and my husband found me trying to get into the closet. In the dream I was trying to get out of my childhood bedroom in our old family home.
I had a visit from my mother today. I view this dream as a cry to get out of the caretaker role that I am in with her. I view the responsibility of caring for her as part of the depression that I am in. That sounds selfish, but the subconscious does not care it just wants out. I want to get out of the depression and I view any responsibility that takes attention away from trying to heal myself as taking away from me. From my health. That is one reason I ended up in a mental hospital late last year.
But I can't give up the care of a 91 year old that needs me. So I have nightmares instead. Makes sense to my waking mind. To my subconscious mind, which is just trying to protect me, it makes sense to run way and shirk the responsibility of her care. I can understand what is going on. How does one take care of the situation when one loves one's own mother?and subconsciously one wants to stop the stress that is part of the cause of the problem? Ultra loud sigh (Again)  

Low Again

I have been on Luvox for about three weeks and reducing the anafranil. I feel really low right now. I usually don't try the share the low points of this depression in order not bring others to the same point. It is to record how I feel at what point with what medications so that in the future I will make some process on this journey.
Frankly, I do not remember if after twenty years whether or not I have taken this drug before. I would remember if I have kept a blog that long ago.
I am having problems with welbutrin. I believe that it is making the sole of my right foot sore. Medications at present are

• Luvox at two hundred
• Risperdal at .5x2 per day
• Welbutrin at three hundred a day

I am also on singular and claritin as well for allergies. Sometimes I feel that what I am going through with the allergies is affected by the high anxiety I am having. Sometimes I am so fearful of accidents on the road that riding with another person driving is beginning to get on my nerves. Can't let that happen, will lose job.

Another Night

The psychiatrist upped the strength of the Luvox to 200 mg. The Horror Dreams have stopped. Most of the healthy habits that I have developed over the past two years are down the drain as I rebel against a life style that reminds me of compulsive and obsessive behavior patterns. This is not good for the other aliments that plaque me. I am angry that I have given up most everything in the line of food that was fun to eat in fear that I was allergic to it. And somehow that the depression was linked to the allergic reaction. I am constantly wanting a reason for the depression. I think that is logical, but it isn't when you deal with a scatalogical disease like this depression.

• There is a song written with these lyrics that talk of God: You must think I am strong to give me what I am going through. It keeps running through my head these days.

Nightmares on Luvox

Since going on Luvox at it's maximum strength for me (which is 150 mg a day) I have been having nightmares. Just disturbing dreams. Nothing that leaves images past awakening. Instead it leaves feelings of fear itself. I find that to write about it dispenses the fears somewhat and gives me a mirror to see just what the night tears(terrors) are. They seem to be images of unknown fears.
This seems to happen many times when I change medications.
Something that FDR said. 'We have nothing to fear but fear itself.' I agree with that. I dance with sleep. Sometimes a waltz, sometimes the mamba. Thoughts are rambling and sleep is stalking me. To let go of the fear is more than half of the battle. I picture a huge fist opening up and the fingers radiating like the spokes of a bicycle wheel. The fear is the fist, releasing the fear is when the hand relaxes and the fingers radiate. I am a small person dropping through the fingers, dropping- hitting the ground and rebounding. Standing up, fists on hips, feet about a foot apart. Ready to do battle again. Battle with perceived fears. Note the word perceived.......

Medication Dip

In the search to find the right med combination, I am frequently dealing with inadequate levels of the drugs that would slow down the rampant anxiety that I seem to have most of the time. This morning is not so bad and I can create which produces serotonin and that stabilizes me. That is the saving grace of creation, that it does produce directly the one chemical that I need, serotonin, Right now I am going up on Luvox and down on anafranil. Here are to other drugs that I am on right now:    

• Risperdal at .5 mg two times a day, morning and night.
• Wellbutrin at 300 mg once a day, morning
• Luvox, eventually a 150 once a day
• Anafranil at 25 mg once in the morning
• Claritin at 10 mg 
• Singular at 10 mg

So since the hospital visit late 2011 I have been on six different meds and am still trying to find the right  combination. I really do not think that one is available for me and this condition. But at least I am getting some relief from the above combination. I can tell, besides the anxiety and depression when the drugs are working. Dreams are different and my lower jaw is more relaxed and I am more alert.

This morning I feel like writing. I am writing a novel along the lines of an Indiana Jones plot. It is a good mental exercise and creative as well. It is the easiest way to get serotonin in the brain quickly.
Then there is sculpture. I have a bent with caricatures and I love to see them in the 3D versions in my head. So to anyone searching to manage the depression or anxiety that you are having, try being creative and lessen up on that critical eye you might have and enjoy what ever you can create whether cooking, photography, writing, sculpture. It doesn't matter the quality of the product that you create, it is the process of creating that matters. Do not be critical of what you create, it is the process of creating that is the medicine here.                  

Off Anafranil, On Luvox

I am starting on Luvox. I can't remember if I have taken it in the past 20 years.  This is the result of a conversation I had with someone at work. I was ruminating on the thoughts of the blood coming out of my wrist when I cut it accidentally. Although the cut was accidental in nature, the thought that came into my head was: that this is how a suicide would start. Then my OCD came in and I got stuck on that thought. Scary thoughts. I went in and saw the psychiatrist and she said that the anafranil was not doing the job as well as it should have been doing.
I have all these drugs in the system and the VNS as well. Somehow I don't think that the device in the chest (VNS)  is working for me anymore. However,  I don't want to turn it off and try that way either. 

Pills or Chiropractic Deals

In an effort to help myself in my quest to be free from this depression and anxiety I have studied hypnosis, and meditation and different religions including Buddhism and Wicca.  I have bought supplements of all kinds, in some cases the best that the market has produced at a high price, to boot. I have a VNS implant-which did help at the beginning, and perhaps still does. Diet was improved and I lost a hugh amount of weight, good for my overall health. I have sought alternative medicines and treatments to help. All in an effort to find a way to conquer the anxiety and depression that literally controls my entire life. I am now back on meds after almost two years of being off and I must say that I am doing better now than I was just six months ago. I have yet to tell my chiropractor that I do not want to continue with his adjustments and that I have felt that I have belong to a cult these last two years that I have followed the chiropractic life style.
Yes, much of it is just good, old common sense, and I will keep what makes sense and will not be as heavy as I once was. Although since Jan. I have gained about twenty five pounds. I am dealing with that. Still exercising on a six day schedule-it makes me feel good, so I will do it. But  it must come to a head with the chiropractor, because I feel he brow beats me by telling me that the medication is wrong for me. That I am just killing myself early. Maybe so, but to belittle my decision and do it regularly, I will not have it. I can a least work now and get more accomplished, and be happier as I do it.
I have an employer that knows that I am a depressive and knows that I am trying to live with it to the best of my abilities. I have worked for them almost thirty years now and have had ups and downs with them, but mostly up. And they are concerned with my health as well. So I will stay to the very end ( retirement) if they will have me.
I would like to investigate the treatment of rTMS. Usage of magnetic current through the upper front portion of the brain. It is supposed to help the brain regenerate the dendrites that transmit the neurotransmitters. But I will know more after some reading.
I have just re-read my own blog and found that because I have a VNS device, I can not try rTMS.

DNA Testing for "Correct" Drug Usage

I had a DNA test done by my psychiatrist and had variations in four genes. Two genes marked me for depression two marked me for other dangerous things. One was vulnerability to euphoric effects of drugs of abuse and the second was the possibility of weight gain with one of my drugs, risperdal.  What the test was for was to find our what medications would best suit me. Fortunately the psychiatrist had already put me on the drugs that the findings of the test suggested. This test was done with saliva and sent to a lab in PA. Web address genomind.com

Relief at last!

Dr Saavedra diagnosed me with OCD and Depression about 6 weeks ago. In my research for OCD I found a site that deals with these two mental illness through homeopathy. Since one can take these products with any medicines that are currently being used I am first trying the OCD product called Compulsin. It seems to be working. Working so well that I slept with out the guard for my teeth grinding for the first time in a long time last night.

OCD and Depression:My Life

I have been relatively quiet on the blog these last few weeks. Mainly assessing the diagnoses of my latest psychiatrist. And getting used to the drugs once again.

• Wellbutrin 300 mg
• anafranil 125 mg
•  risperdal .5 Two times a day
 

I am slowly pulling up and out of the depressive circular thought patterns. Slowly.

What happens is that I find a thought and fixate on it, make it a scary thought in anyway that I can, and then run that thought over and over again, rampping up the anxiety. Then I see no way out of the situation and go into depression.This, as I look at my life,  has always been. I am now reading David Burn's Mood Therapy. It is about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. This is what  my psychiatrist suggested that I needed to learn about and to use this therapy to pull out of the OCD.

Verdolaga aka Purslane

In looking for a ground cover to plant in the yard I ran across this information for a plant called purslane, or in Spanish verdolaga. It is used in salads and can help with depression.
Verdolaga is also valued in Latin America for its medicinal properties. Purslane contains more Omega-3 fatty acids than any other leafy vegetable plants, and may have positive effects on the brain and may aid in such conditions as depression, bipolar disorder, Alzheimer's disease, autism, schizophrenia, attention deficit disorder, hyperactivity and migraines. For other medicinal uses see: http://www.ansci.cornell.edu/plants/medicinal/portula.html#efficacy

New Mix of Medications

I was diagnosed with OCD sometime back>knew I had it for sometime. Now I am 25 pounds heavier that when I started on anafranil and risperdal and another tranquilizer. The mix is for the high level of anxiety that I am currently suffering. The risperdal will make women lactate. and the doctor  is taking me off of the drug and has put me on wellbutrin. So now I am at 125 mg anafranil and wellbutrin, at 150mg 12H.
The anafranil was causing drowsiness and I have been hitting the energy drinks hard and the chocolate for the  craving for sweets that the anafranil is giving me.
But the allergy shots for the pollen, dust, dust mites, rag weed are working somewhat. I am at the top level and when I got my first shot the other day the welt was a big a a silver dollar, then later that day as big as two silver dollars, almost 6 inches long, and 3 wide. I was told to take another antihistamine and by the next morning the crisis was under control.

Thought Bubbles: Detachment from Constance

In going through this depression and researching the different aspects of what is happening to me, I have begun to look at the depression very differently that when I started on the pills almost twenty years ago. I have learned to look at the situations that surround me with a quiet detachment. It is a way to bare the pain, stop the ostracizing that I sometimes feel when relating my depressive moments to others, who at first seem interested out of compassion, but who are really just fascinated about a story of "mental illness", glad it is happening to someone else and not them.
I met a woman in the mental hospital the second time I went in. She had far more physically wrong with her than I, and much more going on in her personal life. So I followed up the hospital with a few phone calls to her personal number. As we talked, I tried to reach her mentally, give what support that I could. At least I know what depression is, and can talk to a person about it. But I think she was reminded of the hospital and the low mental situation she suffered there (and still continues to suffer at home). But one sees so much hurting all about one's self if one chooses to only dwell on that aspect of life.
I have begun to detach from what I can't do anything about, and attach to goals that I can accomplish. More positive, more in control. Hard if you have not tried it before. Sure, we all have tried to do it before, and maybe it is the anafranil that I am on that makes it easier to be successful in these attempts at this time. Who knows?
Detachment as a survival mechanism, what a delightful answer to problems that could bring on the depression. Too much detachment is a flight from reality and bordering on apathy, just enough should save me.

Fisher Wallace Laboratories: New Hope?

I found an interesting article in The Wall Street Journal that details a device that I have heard of sometime ago, but that is now gaining momentum, CES.
Cranial Electrotherapy Stimulation (CES), which sends very weak microcurrent into the brain, was widely used in Russia in the 1940s as a sleep aid. Several battery-powered CES devices won FDA clearance to treat depression, anxiety and insomnia in the 1980s and 1990s, largely because they were similar to other grandfathered devices, and some have been quietly selling to home users ever since. Electromedical Products International Inc. has been selling its Alpha-Stim devices for both pain relief and anxiety and depression since 1981. Many users are military veterans.
Then the bit about Fisher Wallace Laboratories that really got me:
Last fall, a newcomer in the field, Fisher Wallace Laboratories, launched a YouTube campaign lampooning the side effects of anti-depressants and promoting its cranial stimulator as an alternative. Powered by two AA batteries, the device was sends 1 milliampere of alternating current—1/1,000th the voltage used in ECT—through a patient's head via small, wet pads placed at the temples. The company recommends using the device 20 minutes once or twice a day for 30 to 45 days, and several times a week afterward.

The company, founded by electronics entrepreneur Charles Avery Fisher and Martin Wallace in 2007, says the device works by boosting endorphins, serotonin and dopamine and reducing cortisol

Does it work? Columbia University psychiatrist Richard P. Brown says he has used the device with 400 severely depressed patients and that more than 70% find relief—about twice the rate of anti-depressants. "I'm seeing some patients smile for the first time in 20 years," says Dr. Brown, who, like other doctors interviewed for this column, has no financial ties to the company.

Other neuroscientists are wary. "In my assessment of the literature, the level of evidence to support those kinds of claims is not sufficient at this point," says Dr. George. I believe that this is the doctor that I either emailed or spoke to before the VNS was put into my chest.

Dr. Mayberg adds, "It's not a great idea to be exposing your brain to electricity of any type without medical supervision."

Much of the clinical data supporting CES devices is outdated; a few small placebo-controlled trials of the Fisher Wallace device are planned at Harvard, Columbia and the University of Toledo.

"I think a lot of people who use it will tell you it can be very helpful," says Andres San Martin, a Columbia psycho-pharmacologist who says about 50 of his patients use the device, along with antidepressants. Some use it just half the year for Seasonal Affective Disorder, and some have found it helpful in quitting smoking. "But I am looking forward to the double-blind placebo-controlled trials," he says.

"The Trumpet" on Depression

I was reading an article from the The Philadelphia Trumpet magazine entitled Defeat Depression-Master your Mind published in December 2011 the article written by Dennis Leap, and he works out an outline on how to operate your mind. He does so by quoting the Bible and digging into scripture.
He states that twisted and distorted thinking is the major cause of suffering for people flattened by depression. The twisted thinking is illogical, but it seems so real that you have convinced yourself that your depression will go on forever. This was shown to me in a most dramatic way.
I was suffering from allergies big time, so sensitive that even being outside a small amount of time would send me running inside to clear anything out of my lungs by breathing the filtered air from the air conditioning system. I would do slow breathing through a cloth and in about twenty minutes I would calm down. I would have an air purifier in my bedroom and a dehumidifier in there as well. I could not sleep because of the noise. The air, being drier, stopped the dust mites but being drier gave me trouble as well. These things played on my mind. Did life have to be this way? I was already on a restricted diet because of allergies, now even my work outside in the pollen and dust filled air and house full of dust mites were against me. I had been involved in a car accident in May of 2011, and so the body was in shock as well. I had, in essence, a nervous breakdown and ended up in a mental hospital, twice in a six week period for depression and anxiety.
Now I want to illustrate how this mind of mine works and relate that back to the Trumpet article. My allergy symptoms were greatly exaggerated  and multiplied and when the time came to get an allergy shot I let them know about how the allergies were affecting me. The doctor came in and told me that he could handle the allergies, what ever else I had was something else (ie in my mind). I came home and the room that I was in was not as clean as I wanted it to be, and for me a source of some of the allergies. But as my mind grasped what the doctor had told me, the allergies symptoms abated immediately. My mind had made the hell that I was experiencing. I began to relate this experience to the depression and my brain began to unlock, to wake up from the depression. I began to trace my thoughts just as I have been tracing food, and environmental and chemical allergic problems.
The article in the Trumpet quotes David Burns, author of Feeling Good: "Every bad feeling you have is the result of your distorted negative thinking. Illogical, pessimistic attitudes play the central role in the development and continuation of all your symptoms."Dennis Leap in his article states "To recover from depression, people must learn that every depressed feeling has its corresponding distorted or illogical thought. That negative thought came before and created the depressed feeling. If you are depressed, you must isolate, examine and replace all your illogical thinking with thought that is based on true facts. 
This stunned me each time I thought about it. I had been told of this time and again, but until I suffered it blatantly in my experience with the allergies, I did not believe it. Preferring to blame it on outside sources I have wallowed in depression for most of my life. Perhaps I am working toward a real release here.