A Random Call from Cheryl

Every step of the way I have been asking God to help me. I was really bummed that the hospital was giving me a hard time when I asked about the cost of the procedure, and had decided to wait until after Christmas to contact the hospital again. But Cheryl called me. She was trying to get the message to another Janet for she is working with two of us with that name. When I told her of the run around she got in touch with Ann the regional access rep and Ann got in touch with Clora James, the billing supervisor in charge of the billing for the branch hospital that I will be using. That was the message on my voice mail this past Friday. Clora is suppose to call me. It is the holidays, so there may be some lag time.
But what that call did for me was to assure me that somehow, maybe Someone was watching my frustration and stepped in. Don't know, but willing to bet on it.
Maybe some light in the dark.
My family had decided that I must fund this alone. No help from them. But I should not be bitter. I have asked for money before, and like the boy that cried wolf once too often the request goes unanswered. The requests before were for starting businesses, but I did not get any money anyways. Let me also say that the requests were given in a jesting way, not really seriously, and once every couple or three years. Still I will trust in God to work it out. He has done so for everything else in the situation that is this depression.

(God did work it out. The insurance ended in paying for all but 2500 dollars, and then the insurance stopped paying for the procedure because the government stopped paying for the procedure through medicare. I don't know what the insurance status would be now, almost 4 years down the road-editor)

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After the first Road Trip

The meds that Dr. Fig ran out of did not cost the amount that I thought they would. Apparently Aetna now covers the Provigil. It cost me 60 dollars, not almost 400 as it was the last time I bought it.
The doctor visit to Deland to Corbyon's office took 3 hours. All but 15 min was waiting for him to come and talk to me.
He gave me a thumbs up for the procedure, but wants me to talk to the hospital and find out the cost, for my peace of mind. I called the finance office and they gave me a phone number for the estimate line. It is a voice mail setup that one can record the code attached to the procedure(s) and get an answer sometime in the future. I will wait two business days and then call back. I think that the hospital is giving me the run around about the cost, for they are hesitant to talk about it. First they give me number to the finance office and the person there would not quote me any prices, and gave me an estimate line.
The doctor gave me more hope that the device would work, for 70% of his patients that had this have felt some relief from the depression. That is better than the Cyberonic figure of about 50%.
The doctor said that perhaps if the hospital knew that I would be paying 30% of the cost that maybe the they would cut some of the cost.

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Up to Deland

Today is roadtrip day.According to Mapquest it is a 55 mile trip. It sounds as if adventure is about to begin. I hope so.
Yesterday Dr Fig's office ran out of Provigil. That's another 400.00 for the meds. I told John and he will help me pay for it. But to me that is a stop gap measure. I feel so frustrated and impotent when that happens. But perhaps today will start a new episode in my treatment.It is worth the amount that it will cost, just to fight it on a new level.
I doubt that people can really understand what mental illness is.It is a blanket smothering the very essence of life. At least depression is. I notice that everything is muted and stunted when the disease is raging. Even taste is effected. I can't experience a deep sense pleasure, happiness, fullness (as in eating). I crave Reese's Peanutbutter cups when at work. And will eat two packages at a sitting. It is good as it goes down, but afterwards I am the same. Then of course I am irritable, unstable emotionally, wanting to cry most of the time. I can not concentrate, little things distract and I cannot get through a task. I want to sleep a lot, just to get away from it all. This is just the part that at this time I can write about.
As I look back at the past I belittled myself constantly, in everything I did, said, and thought about. This even included religious things. So I became one without religion, but I knew that God was still there, just waiting to punish me. No love or understanding in that relationship.

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Walgreens Mistake

The medication foul up was that Walgreens miscounted the tablets and shorted me two weeks of meds. It scared me at the time because if they hadn't owned up to the mistake it would have cost me hundreds of dollars. That's another reason to switch to another method to control this disease of the mind.
This depression causes me to have a short temper. For years I ceaselessly berated myself for not having the patience that one should have for the small things in life. This is a part of how the disease is intertwined with my assessment of my self worth. I have searched the Bible, self help gurus, Buddhism, Wicca, hypnois, meditation(regular and sound vibration induced) Eckencar(a kind of religion), psychoanalysis, The Sedona Method, and am still searching for some kind of path. I am praying now and feel the presence of God. But the question still remains: why me?
So the answer is 'it just is' and to deal with it. Period.

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Medication misshap

Apparently the last time I had my paxil refilled they gave less than half of the amount for one month and I have no recourse but to pay full price for another month's worth of the medication. At a time when I can least afford it. But if I don't have it I will have a bad Christmas and lay abed and moan all day and cry. All this over the fact that some tech can't count.. I guess I must count every pill that I get right at the counter.
Dave says "why do druggists screw with mentally ill patients medications". Medications that I can not do without.
I went Doctor K for a referral for the surgeon for the implantation of the VNS. He usually will not go for new things in the medical field. But with the chance that the psychiatric drugs that I have been taking will destroy my liver and kidneys he told me to go ahead with the implant. He ordered blood tests that should help the surgeon determine if I can do the procedure.

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Peggy's response suggest the NIMH

Have you had any contact with NIH, they have a mental health also. It is very close to us. That is where Bob went for his cancer. They are wonderful people and because it is govt. it is free. There ia also Johns Hopkins in Baltimore. Talk to your Drs and see if there is a chance you could get into either place.

Peggy,
thank you for your reply and comments on the constant monkey on my back. I am looking into this implant right now, and we will see what it does for me. I am writing about it on my blog. Keeping correspondence and recording what actually takes place when one goes through this problem.
time to view this situation from the personal view of the mentally ill person. I can write about it as a record of when I am down, and the different patterns of thought as I go down, then maybe I will be able to grasp it's triggers. This is what I am concentrating on. I am well enough at this time to do this. In the future...... we will leave that time to the future, and not worry about it now.

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To Edna about daughter Elaine.

About Elaine:
Mysterious aches are probably not in her head. She maybe very sensitive to stress and the stressors bring on the depression, moodiness, irritability and This is biological in nature. Her body and mind maybe trying to adjust to the stressors, but she may not have the amount of serotonin that she needs to soothe over the aches and pains that she has from the stress. She is not crazy. Just let her know that no matter what is wrong with her that I still believe in her. What she perceives as pain is real pain and is coming from her ability to be sensitive to aspects of life that the rest of us can't even perceive. This point must be brought up and discussed. It is, if I am right, a disease that will carry on for life. It is how she is. Period.
If I am right, she should be on a steady flow of antidepressants. Or she may be able to change up her diet to help. But just diet and exercise may not be enough.
That's all for now.

(Elaine passed away October 12-13 2010, unknown causes-editor)

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Letter to Misao

Depression wise I am looking into getting a pace maker for the brain. It is a therapy known as VNS. It sends pulses to the brain and stimulates it in the mood area. It is hopeful to help with the long term treatment of the illness. As it is now I am on the highest amounts of 4 drugs and I still have bouts of depression..It stems from stress. When under huge amounts of stress, the migraines come and so does the depression. Only problem is that I can withstand very little stress before the depression starts. Even loud noises are stressors. So, I await this new procedure and will see what it can do. I can not just give up on life because it stresses me too much. I have to try to manage the disease and put myself in charge of the stressors and eliminate them the best way I can.

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Letter to Edna

Thank you for your last email.
I walk every day and eat more fruit and veggies each day. Only one day at a time and no "it could have been, or should have been, or would have been" comments about anything in life. Life is just that. The "now" and how one perceives it. One can't become consumed about thoughts of bloody knives and family members in in tragic accidents, for as scary as this is, and it comes unbidden, it has happened before and nothing has come of it. So what if I cried all day and stopped just the hour before, I may be exhausted emotionally and can even feel spent physically from the emotional out pouring, but it is over with and get on with life. I can't become consumed with the past I must live now.
John gave me a massager pillow that I just adore. I over did it and am sore. But it does help to rid the body of stress.
You get on with your bad self in your musical endeavors. It trains your brain to think creatively. This helps in everything your do. It also releases serotonin in the brain, because, believe it or not, I can feel it when it happens to me. That is why artists love to create things.

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A letter to Peggy, my cousin

Thank you so much for your support and prayers. I think the more people that we have sending petitions to the Guy upstairs the better off we are.
Depression is not the once and while moody down in the dumps that we all experience. It, in part, is the malfunction of certain brain chemicals. Terrorizing scenes of bloody knives and car accidents come unbidden. Sudden crying spells come in uncontrollable bouts, incredible anger pounces on me out of nowhere. Lack of motivation plagues my every ambition. At first I criticized myself constantly, for could, or shouldn't , I be able to control this bewildering behavior?
Then the research began. Surely just a few re-ordering of priorities and more discipline will pull me out of the quagmire, but all to no avail. I sought talk therapy, and that helped with some issues. You know, we all have issues. Then I began to realize that when depressed I viewed everything differently. Good memories of happy times, could not be found anywhere in the storage bin in the ol' brain. When forced to remember, the memory seemed to be black and white and spots of the memory where not viewable. This memory was a happy memory. When the medications work and the level of stress is low I can remember that same memory, but vividly and in full color and in full high definition, with sound and feelings. So it comes down to the fact that I can not experience pleasure as a normal person does.
I have tried to rid my body of the medication six different times. All to no avail. Crushing despair and hospital visits resulted.
The medications are enabling me to work, but only 32 hours a week and eventually it will get worse. I can not endure stress of any kind, for it triggers, even while on meds, a deep dive into the frothy waves of an unsettled mind.
This is mental illness. This and much more.

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More Letters

Hi Janet,
The only assistance program available at Cyberonics is for indigent patients
who do not have insurance. I am currently working with Dr. Figueroa to find
a surgeon and hospital. Once we have that information for you, you may
certainly speak with the surgeon to see if a rate can be negotiated or if
there is a payment plan at that office. You can also speak with the
hospital's business office regarding a payment plan if you desire. I will
call you as soon as I have the surgeon information.

Thank you,
Cheryl

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Support and response for request for prayer

Donna,
Thank you for your support. Yes it is hard. I have tried every thing I know of. My sugar is borderline at last check, before I lost some weight. I still battle with cravings, but I have re-added exercise to the regimen. When I get moving about I am better mentally. I have done the vitamin route, the Omega 3 route, am on thyroid med and cholesterol path. I have kept what works. Eating fresh veggies and fruit every day. I admit I am addicted to caffeine, but I can do without if necessary.
John suffers from migraines when stressed. Mine are every day at this point. Some days worse that others. I am on the most amount of drugs that I have ever been on. The depression is lifting at this time, how ever this has happen sixteen times before. The meds last a few weeks sometimes a few months then they stop working, and on to another one. I am on a 32 hour week at work, any more and I get sick with anxiety and depression attacks. As it is with a low grade migraine almost every day something needs to be done that is more permanent .
Yes I intend to call you.
Thanks for the prayers too.
Janet


Janet,
I am sorry to hear of the troubles you are having. I know it must be very hard. Give me a call when you get a chance. You know depression is common with diabetes too. My brother Michael struggled for years and years. I am off next week Nov. 19, all schools are out. You like to be well educated about an illness like I do, nothing is ever the same after surgery. I just had surgery on my right hand Nov 5 for a trigger thumb. I tried 4 alternatives before that. Have you tried vitamin and mineral therapy and chiropractic adjustments?Tri Vita has a gluco balance to cut carb cravings and balance blood sugar. I am taking many of the vitamins and 3 diabetic medicines and am getting better control now with my last A1C test. 18009917116. M. and I will be praying for you. Please give me a call after 5 one day when you get a
chance.

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Questions have shown up

John, my brother, has asked how long will the effect last.It has occurred to me that he was asking about the VNS device's length of effectiveness and I must ask about this factor. But the thought that this device is much like a heart pace maker has occurred to me as well. The device may not last as long as is profitable for the initial investment.Or will I have to come up with a large amount of money every, what, seven to ten years? Not to mention the cost of the insurance to replace the batteries every five years.
But if it gives me renewed hope for life and renewed motivation to do things. Even for just those few years. Would it be worth it? How much for a replacement device? How much for the replacement of batteries? What kind of warranty do I get. I mean if they put it in and it, God forbid, malfunctions. But a pace maker could malfunction as well. Questions to be answered.

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Before Initial Consult

The surgeon is Dr. Thomas Corbyons out of Deland, about fifty miles north of here. I will set up a consult and see if I can proceed from there. This gives me a sense that I am doing something about my health.. A good feeling, even if it doesn't work. At least I tried. Let's look at the positive side of the experience. If it does work, so much will change.
I think that the new motivation that I should feel will help towards getting more art work done. More projects started. More hours at work to help pay off more bills. We will see. One can only approach things of this nature with cautious hope, and not expansive dreams.

(Corbyons is a doctor that likes to talk, and this causes extreme waits in waiting room.-editor)

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A letter to Edna, my Sister

Hi from Orlando!
the weather here in town is very enjoyable and refreshing. 70's during the days and 50's at night. Dry and crisp.
Please have me in your prayers. I am making a decision to have a VNS implant to fight the depression. It is like a pace maker for the brain. The insurance from work will cover most of it ( 70%) but I need to come up with the remaining cost. This could be up to 10,000 dollars. My IRA will most likely to be used. If it works, it could slow down the parade of drugs through the system, thus good for the liver. Good for the pocket book, and good for the over all income level, for I could have more energy to work a 40 hour week. I can only work 32 hours. Any over that and I have a break down. Anxiety and depression attacks. Migraines come and stay for weeks. And this is for an average 40 hour week, not a hugely busy week either. I am presently on 4 drugs. two that I can afford and the two that I can't, the doctor gives me from his samples. I can't go on like this for ever. But what ever works for the time being I am willing to try. I have turn it over to the Lord and it is a great peace of mind to do so. Also I am writing about what I am going through. It is on a blog www.mylifemyreflections.blogspot.com . I write when something new occurs in the VNS side of the treatment. But it helps me to see how I am doing on a month to month basis with the treatment with the drugs, and exercise and diet program that I try adhere to. I crave Reeses Peanutbutter cups and the machines at work have them a plenty. It is a comfort food and I find that the more comfort I have the tighter my clothes fit.
When the medications work I don't crave the comfort, for I don't need it. I am more confident, self assured, I remember happy memories. The memories are in and of themselves images and when depressed the memory images are not complete and are not as saturated with color as when I recall the same memory when I am "up". Some times the memories can't be recalled at all. I have to work on the recall and manually change the saturation of the image in order to help change the depression to a more "up" state.
However there are depressions that this will not work. I have tried to fill the bleak images with color, when it works I feel a little relieved.
I am trying a new way to fight this disease. I am using photographs to help me remember the good times. When I look at the photos I can recapture the feeling of the moment, and can try to concentrate on every detail, to magnify the effect. This phenomenon is from NLP tapes that I ran across years ago when I studied hypnosis. Training the brain to avert attacks. Or fight back.
Right now I am waiting for more info from the Cyberonics folks. They are getting a surgeon lined up for my procedure. Neurologist I believe. I will be in touch with the insurance specialist nurse that the Cyberonics folks use as a way to deal with the prospective implanted patient.
So all for now.

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Cheryl takes a vacation

I have to wait to talk to my contact at Cyberonics, for she is taking some time to be off. What has occurred is that I have contacted the insurance company and I will have to, if my estimate of the charges is right, have to come up with $10,000 for the procedure. I have released the need to the universe. God, help me now. We will see what comes of this. Several things come to mind. My IRA. A new refinance of the house. Perhaps a better job, that has better benefits.
A better job, is what Dr. Figeuroa has suggested. Easy for him to say. But we will look for what we can. This would happen to anyone that is facing a high cost medical procedure.
Thank God that it is not life threatening, quality of life threatening, yes. It is a wake up call about the high cost of insurance and the fact that I can not make much more money at the job that I am at, I am topped out. I am beginning to look at options.

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The co-pay Sucks

On October the tenth the insurance company came through with the coverage for the implant of the VNS device. But there is a big block to getting the procedure because of the copay of 1000.00 and the need to pay 30% of allowable costs. My work place insurance has over the years been cut bit by bit and now I am thinking of getting some kind of supplemental insurance.
Cheryl called me on Friday last and said she could talk to me about the copay. I've not have had the time to call her back; I've been working long hours and all day shifts. I will get back to her very soon.
I believe the cost of the procedure is 30,000,and I don't have that kind of funding.
A co-worker reported that maybe I can work out a deal with a surgeon that would just take the amount that the insurance pays and not want anymore. This type of deal is called assignment. I will take that up with Cheryl and the doctor.As yet I have not been assigned to a surgeon.
Doctor Figeuroa said that he wanted me to wait for three months to see what the Cymbalta will do. I am at 90 mil of Cymbalta, 200mil of Provigal, 60mil of paxil, and 50 mil of melaris. I am hoping if I have this procedure done that the amount of medications will go down, that I will be more stable emotionally, that the medications that I do take would work better and that I can better manage the disease.
I have noticed that when I am up and not on the borderline with depression that I am
more confident, less sheepist, quicker in response, more witty in combating sarcasm, and less clingy to negative thoughts. That is in essence the quality of life is there. I can handle life better in many ways. This may indeed sound selfish, but I don't have the time to sit and stew and try new self help plans that sound good, but in the end go nowhere.
In the vein of self help, I have tried everything under the sun. Nutritional pathways have worked for a few weeks, and then they are impotent and I am at square one again.
This up and down, uneven life that I have had to live only makes problems seem larger than life itself.

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Information Quest

The Cymbalta upgrade did the trick. I can now remember when I have been happy. (Having to have a drug to remember when I was happy.) Over the past month Dave and I have gone to LA to celebrate our 30th anniversary and we had the best time. It is the quality of life that I am after.  On the vacation the colors seemed so rich, so vivid, and they had a quality of cuteness about them that had me laughing. Upon returning to the daily routine of work the depression came on strong again. I tried to recall the vacation experience, and the colors were less vivid. Some of the images were not all there. Partial images floated around in my memory. I manually put the colors back into the memory and the depression decreased.
The Cyberonics Corp. has paired me with an insurance specialist by the name of Cheryl and she has sent more paperwork for me to follow up on. The folks at Dr. Figeuroa's office have sent info in to Cheryl and I will follow up on my end. When I tried to contact therapist Anne Bercik I could not get in touch with her. Her phone number(s) are not working. But I will try through the State of Florida licensing board. Cheryl wants a list of the pharmaceutical medications that I have been on and the people at Walgreens said that all I needed was an ID and they could research it for me. I will also find out what I need to know on how I am to get my hospital records of when I went in for psychiatric problems.
I know that I have not had as much a problem as some people in the area of hospitalization, but there are and were days that I should have gone in, but I felt that others would stigmatize me for that.

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Dr. Figueroa and VNS

I have been to Dr. Figueroa, and he tells me that my insurance will not cover the VNS procedure. I had prepared myself for this and I am now going to work with the insurance specialist at Cyberonics.I signed a medical release form yesterday and faxed it to Dr. Figueroa. Now he will release the records to Cyberonics so that the insurance specialist will have a starting point to work with to get the ball rolling. I have been feeling better. It has been seven weeks since Dr. Figueroa upped the medications. I now look forward to work, I can remember happy times. I have been over to a friends house, something I would not have interest in before the medications were increased. I will enjoy the moments now, because in the future they will be hard to find. but if I write about it, I will remember how long I remain up and when I go down.

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Cognitive Therapy

I am perusing my library and have come up with David Burn's Feeling Good, and I am hopeful that reading through it again will help me pinpoint the negative thoughts that I seem to have, almost all the time.This surprised me because I thought that I had been through this some time ago. Surprise, I found all sorts of negatives floating around in the gourd on my shoulders. This is the basis of cognitive therapy. Thought watching. I an do this. I will work on this.

(This is the basis of the work by Sally-Anne McCormick Stop the ANTs.  ANTs are automatic negative thoughts -editor)

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Hanging in There

The upgrade to my medications has not really worked yet. It's been 14 days now. I feel as if I am living in a hole, with no lights and slippery sides and I can't get out. I lay in bed and think how angry I am. A smoldering soul eating pain. I blog less, create less, enjoy less and all my thoughts center around me and how I am being cruelly used to further this restricting pain. Can I climb up the side of my hole and peak out, even for just one minute?
I will, by the nature of it being a job, get involved with people at work. This will help and I will climb to top of the hole and teeter on the brink, giving out my "happy work smile" to the people who are there. It is not a fake smile, at least not the one given to the tiny kid. The one that really did try hard to do what I told them to do. Don't I contribute to my own mixture of blackness, by concentrating on it? Uh! What a mixture of **%%#*% and !!**@arrrraugh!
Now that's enough. Was prayed for by one of my Christian friends.

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Family's Reaction

I had hoped that of all the people in my circle that would understand my plight would be my brother, John. I love and respect him and honor the fact that more than likely he will always be there for me. He has steadily maintained that if I just eat right, exercise, and pray and learn to balance stress that everything would be OK. To a certain extent I can see his point. I have been doing that very thing for the last six months and over the years that this has affected me I,  have tried all sorts of combinations of food, meditation, medications, prayer, exercise and psychotherapies that I could afford. I am by no means perfect in following all these programs either when they are combined or separate. But, I'm going through yet another down turn at this time.
I just would like to point out if I had a viewable handicap instead of a deficient brain that it would be socially inexcusable to ask me to carry on as if everything is normal. This treatment of "just buck up","hunker down", or any such advice is frustratingly constant. I guess because I am not lying under covers and crying constantly (which did happen about three years ago) that I can cope with life, and I better well stop my quest for living a higher quality of life. Ah, that is the quest, the quality of life, the feeling of a happy memory that can be recalled at any time, an ability that most people have. It is the difference between living the life that God intended, or existing as a shell. A shell pumped full of drugs.

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In the Mean Time

Happiness was short lived. I haven't been this down in a long, long time. My period came, first in 6 months. But both in the same week. Let's get back to the VNS info. I found a site that offers info on medical grants. It is a pay site, so I paid and haven't used it yet. I also found a site vnsdepression.com This last site has a message board and is documenting the VNS implant of several persons. Meanwhile I have faxed Dr. Figueroa the information that I need to get started. He is going on his annual vacation so I don't think much will be done. I will follow it up later.
Internally I having been praying, asking God to bless this Quest. An undertaking to stabilize the depression and increase the quality of life. Annie, my Christian friend, was right, that I should think of others. But at this stage all I can do is email more of them and let them know that I think of them.
I just noticed that the other day that I no longer cook much anymore. Part of it is that I have changed to salads, but it is getting to much for me to cook.Even grilling. I used to love to grill. Now I could care less. Just another thing that I cared for.
I can count many things that I cared for once, but now just don't care for anymore.
I am looking forward to getting some of that back sometime. ***%$# this depression has robbed me! I shall fight on!

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Cymbalta strikes again

In leu of nothing much to say Cymbalta is sweeping me away. My dreams are back, colorful and wacky as they should be. Another sign is that I could forgo my nightly chow down of beef jerky. I am getting motivated again to keep to my diet. When "down" comes around Reeses peanut butter cups seem sound. I am much more creative in everything I do. It is as if life is worth living again instead of just existing through. I am going to see if there is any type of medical grant than can be applied for. Because of the newness of the VNS therapy and the general cost of the procedure I think that I must have all options available to fund it. The reason that I feel that I must at least try to obtain this therapy is that I can at least tell myself with all due truth that I tried to do the best for myself.

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Trying to Talk to Friend

I am documenting my dealing with depression in order to let others know just what this disease is about and how other people in my circle deal with what I tell them. I mention that I have had a medication failure. And my friends know that this occurs about once a year. I have a "down" time. This is a time of intense deep depression and frustration. A period of why is it here again, what can I do to stop it. I think that I have some part of depression always. I don't have memories that are incensed with pleasure. In fact my memory is so bad that I can't remember much of what happens from day to day. People say, that memory problems are experienced by every one. But I can not remember pleasurable things when the depression is at its deepest. And if I remember anything, on a day to day level, pleasure is not at all intense.
On to other's reactions. My Christian friend, Annie, says that I am at fault by not trusting God enough. I must trust Him to heal me in His own time. I should get involved with others and my own problems will seem small as I open myself to others. Well, this is good advice, but when I look at no motivation, no energy, and a black pit surrounding me, it gets harder.
On the other extreme, the other friend, who is bi-polar, Vanessa, says that how can I do anything, I am depressed. Period. She has at least suffered the depression that I have.
But I do not want to wear it as a badge. But everyday comes the challenge to do my best.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Now the Battle Starts

I finally got in touch with the Cyberonics(the Vagus Nerve Stimulation) people this afternoon. I got the information to start the process. I need to get a form that is called an IVEA form. IVEA means Insurance Verification Educational Authorization. This form is provided to doctors to get the process started. Then the Cyberonics people will go to bat and deal with the insurance. The insurance will more than likely deny the payment for the implant, but they will take care of fighting the insurance company. It may take one or two years to get the implant. But I have had to take medications for fourteen years and probably will have to take them for the rest of my life. Perhaps getting this implant will stabilize the downward spiral that the depression has taken. I keep relating to it as an implant. It is a device much like a pacemaker and is used to stimulate the left vagus nerve that runs up the side of the neck. The powerhouse of the system is a disc about the size of a pacemaker and implanted in the chest in the same area. This disc holds the battery that supplies the electricity to stimulate the nerve. This nerve goes deep into the brain where the sites for pleasure and happiness are located. When stimulated it produces pleasure. To a person that can't even remember a happy event on their own, this is a miracle. On the average day I have a hard time remembering a pleasant feeling, when a medication fails, I can not even make myself think a happy thought. So now the process begins.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Trying to connect with Cyberonics

I have some interesting things to note about trying to connect to the Cyberonics company.These are the people that have the Vagus Nerve Stimulation (VNS) Therapy that I have been investigating. I called the number off the internet and constantly the message would ask me to redial the number that I had just called. When I looked up the company's main number and got in touch with an operator, I found out that the person responsible for my part of Orlando was on vacation. Then I left a message on a another representative's voice mail. The voice mail promised me a return call in 48 hours. That did not happen either. The phone number I got from my doctor turned out to be answered by a "Rachel", not a Cyberonics company rep. Now, just minutes ago I tried to contact the Cyberonics people again and the phone system just shuts off. Meanwhile the extra dosage of Cymbalta (now 90 mil),which the doctor gave me is making me a bit more creative and "floaty".

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Thought Bubbles: Little Tricks

I have to thought watch more. It's a process whereby thoughts that need to be changed are called on the carpet and forced to defend themselves. If the thought can't be reasoned with, and it has no basis, it must leave, being replaced by a hopefully happier thought. Eventually the thought and its accompanying depression disappear. At this point it is a head game. But if persistent, it works. And cleans up the clutter in the brain. The fight for happy day to day living is a fight that goes on each and every day. I don't expect a manic type happiness, just a more up position to deal with the things that come my way. Another kind of "trick" is a thing called The Sedona Method . The main basis of the therapy is to picture your problem as an object in your hand and that you have let it go, and it has dropped away from you.You do this until the problem is cut away and is no longer a part of you. They have a website www.thesedonamethod.com.  This works. But one must again be persistent. This release of the past is also a part of Christianity's forgiveness of sins. But with Christianity Jesus is with you always. Which solves the empty pit inside. Hebrews 13:5

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

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Reseach and Comments

I have gone to a search engine and am now seeing what others are saying about treatments. Having done this a million times before, my eyes glaze over.

What if you have been on 15 different medications, some in combinations, and still the depression lingers? Natural things don't work, except exercise. That tends to work almost right away. 5HTP, fish oil, massive vitamin C, massive calcium, trials with zinc, copper, magnesium, vitamins A, B, and D, E separately and combined all have been tried. So has thyroid medication. The thyroid medication has had a good effect. But it too has not been my savior. I have been tested for mineral and vitamin deficiency. Nada. It also could be a condition call Wilson's Syndrome. I have been waiting to try the supplements, but it is costly, not being covered by insurance. Sometimes I have to look at this as challenge, a work of detection. Writing about it does many things: clears my head of the anger and frustration of it all. Teaches me how to be articulate about the problem. And, as I try these treatments I will document the effects, (which I have tried to do before) and maybe, just maybe, these records will help me or others searching for what combination will work.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Trying to recover

The nurse practitioner doubled my paxil dose. In doing so the prescription was kicked back from the insurance. This has happened so often over the years, and I still get frustrated about it. All that I want to have is a way to get to the medicines in a discounted way ( insurance coverage). I just want sanity (NON-DEPRESSION) and to be dependent on a medication to have it is so, so, so, belittling. But thank God that they are there. I have been further researching the VNS therapy and have determined to watch it, and see if the results get better. If the insurance covers it, well, I would be willing to try it. I ordered the book
Out of the Pit by Charles E. Donovan III which should give me some insight into the procedure that is involved.
I have decided to investigate magnetic therapy as well. Something has got to be in place to level out the changes that occur when a medication fails. I will write about thyroid medications soon.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

VNS Therpy for Depression

I am beginning to look into Vagus Nerve Stimulation for my depression. Today I tried to call the Cyberonics Corp. to get more information on their device. I am fed up with the run around with the antidepressants that I am on. When they are changed constantly because they are not working, I am unable to deal with the decisions necessary to take charge of my depression. Aetna, the ever present watchdog of the medicine cabinet does not let me have what I need when I need it. They deny the increase that is prescribed, and I am left out in the cold. I feel so cheated. Cheated of the dignity of being mentally competent to deal with fighting the insurance. I would be forever in debt to any procedure that would let me stand tall and drug free. But because I can't do that because of the nature of the disease, I remain frustrated. Pause: Stop, think, live.
Every day I fight. I fight my own mind. As I write this I keep thinking to even mention this problem to myself, or to others, has become boring, passe and nerve wracking. Depression sucks. But hey! There is always the fight, the fight to remain suicidal thought free. I want to try anything, or procedure that is available that would let me have a deep feeling of true joy and is legal. Also it would have to work on my memory. I have very few memories of joy. I have a good life, and I am treated well by all around me, but my mind treats me like a piece of crap.  Hey enough already, I am bored with myself.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com

Life at Work

Everything in my life seems to center around "THE JOB". And as this takes place in a special place I touch the souls of thousands of guests a year.
It is, of course a major theme park here in Orlando. But what I do is create a silhouette of that guest that they will have for---for ever. I like the job, but not all that goes with it.
But it does give me the chance to create. I have created two children's books that have come from ideas that I have thought of as I await guests.
I also suffer from depression and that also rules my life and I have created ways to combat that ongoing, never ceasing pain. I will lay those ideas out as I go along.

nicktimeflyer.com

cafepress.com/bubbledreams

thesilhouetteshop.yolasite.com