Thank you so much for your support and prayers. I think the more people that we have sending petitions to the Guy upstairs the better off we are.
Depression is not the once and while moody down in the dumps that we all experience. It, in part, is the malfunction of certain brain chemicals. Terrorizing scenes of bloody knives and car accidents come unbidden. Sudden crying spells come in uncontrollable bouts, incredible anger pounces on me out of nowhere. Lack of motivation plagues my every ambition. At first I criticized myself constantly, for could, or shouldn't , I be able to control this bewildering behavior?
Then the research began. Surely just a few re-ordering of priorities and more discipline will pull me out of the quagmire, but all to no avail. I sought talk therapy, and that helped with some issues. You know, we all have issues. Then I began to realize that when depressed I viewed everything differently. Good memories of happy times, could not be found anywhere in the storage bin in the ol' brain. When forced to remember, the memory seemed to be black and white and spots of the memory where not viewable. This memory was a happy memory. When the medications work and the level of stress is low I can remember that same memory, but vividly and in full color and in full high definition, with sound and feelings. So it comes down to the fact that I can not experience pleasure as a normal person does.
I have tried to rid my body of the medication six different times. All to no avail. Crushing despair and hospital visits resulted.
The medications are enabling me to work, but only 32 hours a week and eventually it will get worse. I can not endure stress of any kind, for it triggers, even while on meds, a deep dive into the frothy waves of an unsettled mind.
This is mental illness. This and much more.
Depression is not the once and while moody down in the dumps that we all experience. It, in part, is the malfunction of certain brain chemicals. Terrorizing scenes of bloody knives and car accidents come unbidden. Sudden crying spells come in uncontrollable bouts, incredible anger pounces on me out of nowhere. Lack of motivation plagues my every ambition. At first I criticized myself constantly, for could, or shouldn't , I be able to control this bewildering behavior?
Then the research began. Surely just a few re-ordering of priorities and more discipline will pull me out of the quagmire, but all to no avail. I sought talk therapy, and that helped with some issues. You know, we all have issues. Then I began to realize that when depressed I viewed everything differently. Good memories of happy times, could not be found anywhere in the storage bin in the ol' brain. When forced to remember, the memory seemed to be black and white and spots of the memory where not viewable. This memory was a happy memory. When the medications work and the level of stress is low I can remember that same memory, but vividly and in full color and in full high definition, with sound and feelings. So it comes down to the fact that I can not experience pleasure as a normal person does.
I have tried to rid my body of the medication six different times. All to no avail. Crushing despair and hospital visits resulted.
The medications are enabling me to work, but only 32 hours a week and eventually it will get worse. I can not endure stress of any kind, for it triggers, even while on meds, a deep dive into the frothy waves of an unsettled mind.
This is mental illness. This and much more.
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